My toxic mother is turning my daughter against us! V Long

[Mrsambition]

I'll try & explain as much as i can but it would be impossible to tell you every detail of my life so please don't assume or try to read between the lines. it's a very complicated situation & I don't know what to do, I really need positive & constructive advice.

My mother & I have never had a good relationship for many reasons. The biggest problem I believe is that she is my adoptive mother & we have never really had a connection or a bond even though she had me from 2 months old.

She told me about the adoption from 4 years old & said it was because I wasn't wanted by my mother & that I was abandoned. (years later I find out that this is in no way accurate). You can imaging how this would effect a child, not understanding wage situation.

As I grew up her behaviour evolved into awful bouts of nanipulation & abuse towards me.
she would take me to school & then not pick me up again leaving me to find my own way home usually walking for miles & miles through the countryside to get home. Telling her immediate family that I was a dirty child who wouldn't wash or clean & that her house was in squalor because of me. In actual fact I was immaculate & she was dirty & lazy. She didn't work & would sit & eat & smoke all day but never provided food for me or my father. my friends would stop coming to my house as she would sit in her underwear & be very embarrassing squeezing her belly at them (she is a very large woman).

I was popular at school & was good at my studies. I wanted to go to university to become a teacher but she told me that I would have to stay at home & look after her for my life. She began to keep me at home & soon my teachers became concerned that I was failing my subjects. I told her & she began to encourage me to go out with my older cousins to night clubs & drink in my house with them before hand ( I was only 15 at the time). Then she told my family that I had become a bad teenage a rebel & a lost cause who abused her verbally daily then felt sorry for her. Adopting such a bad child who was ungrateful for her christinging hospitality & bringing me up.

Anyway at 20 I had a daughter & had to live with my mother as I has secured a wonderful career but because I had no father for my daughter I had no child care for the crazy shifts I worked. I moved out a few times but she would play nice until she got me to move back in again & then it would begin again. Calling me names, telling me I was a bad mother & I should kill myself, my daughter would be better without me etc

Eventually I met my now husband & moved 40 miles away from her (my husband has witnessed this awful behaviour first hand) I let my daughter & mother continue there relationship as she was almost 7 when I moved out & it would have been difficult to cut her off from the only family she knew (my great granny & Granda are wonderful people who I couldn't be without)

Now my mother resents me for taking my daughter away from her & tells her lies about me such as I am a bad mother because I work I shoukd be at home with her, I don't but her enough things, we don't go on holidays enough, I am to protective over her, I hate my mother & I am bad to her, i moved her away frim her family & friends because i want to hurt her & i dint love her as much as my mother does. You can imaging the effect this is having in my daughter who loves my mother & is unaware of how she treats me.

My daughter now cries & says that she misses my mother (I have limited contact with her as much as possible considering that I want to see my dad & my other family). When she sees my mum, mum fills her head with lies & it has become very hurtful for me to see my daughter like this she is slowly being manipulated against me.

Sorry that's a book but I havt been able to tell all the bad things she had done. What can we do? If I cut contact my daughter will for sure hate me & if I don't I fear it will get worse & my daughter will eventually hate me.

I am a brilliant mother and have devoted my life to my child as I never wanted her to feel how I do. So please don't doubt me on that aspect. Thanks for reading.

How old is your daughter now?

Sounds dreadful, how old is DD?
I would be cutting all contact.

You have no option but to totally cut all contact. God, you poor woman having to deal it all that. When your daughter is older, she will understand.

cut all contact asap

you have to cut contact. it will be very hard for you, but you know her and what she did to you.

Do it gradually. You will have to explain to your dd over time why though, but don't make it a huge issue. iswim

I understand how difficult it must be because of the rest of your family. However, they must have been aware of what you had to put up with growing up and didn't help much by the sounds of it.
I'd cut contact completely with your mother. Could you still keep in touch with the others without letting your mother know?

So true posters above, that your DD will understand later.
She really will.

Poor you! You sound very hurt and angry at how your mother parented you. It's great that you are able to see what she did so you can try to avoid the same mistakes. Your daughter is young enough that if you cut contact to a minimum with your M (not DM) she will settle to a new way quickly. Just explain something suitable like "Granny isn't very kind to Mummy sometimes"

And well done you for shaping a good career despite her. Where was your DF in all this?

Also how do you know your M is saying all these things? Is it to you directly or to others who relay it to you? Maybe best not to know what bile she is spreading??

Some people should never adopt! I would be heartbroken in my 2 (adopted) DC ever doubted how much I love them and how important they are to me.

Going NC because of 1 person is hard when the rest of your family is great (I too have a toxic mother), can you discuss this with your father? Will he help you limit contact with your mother further, without it meaning the loss of the rest of your family? With your father's support you might be able to explain to your DD that Grandma sometimes says things that are very hurtful to you and that's why you don't see her much.

I know your all right but a part if me is scared of her & what she will do. I know she will tell her side of the family how bad I am etc etc & how I've hurt her by cutting contact. Lots of mind games will be played by her. I have tried to resolve this by talking to her about it & she will never admit her behaviour & says I am making it up & that I bland her for everything.

My grandparents live with her & my dad do if I cut contact with her I will have to visit them at her house with my daughter. I can't cut contact with them as I love them dearly & they have been wonderful role models for me.

My daughter is 9 1/2 now, this is heartbreaking. My husband thinks we should cut contact but again knows that it's very complicated.

I have a great relationship with my in laws & have made good friends here. My aunties & my Gparents would never believe me as my mother is a maryter in their eyes, she is a "Christian" & spends her time involved in the church & taking care of my elderly grandparents who admittedly she is very good too. My dad worked 6 days a week, 8-8 so never seen our relationship but did see the filthy house & no food etc but says that my mother is a Christian woman & that she has her faults but that she loves me very much. She never once has behaved like this in front of anyone only my husband (thank god he knows).

The family are from a very rural area with no education & it's hard to even try & explain what's going on to my dad. They are baptist Christians so if any body knows what that involved you will see why this is so difficult.

Ok so if you cant cut contact, what about only visiting her for short periods and never ever having dd out of sight/earshot whilst there? would that work?

Your role is to protect your child from such toxic influences; your DD will not hate you for doing this. How old is your DD now?.

I would say that if your adopted mother is too difficult for you to deal with on any level, she is too toxic for your vulnerable child to have to deal with. Not all parents are kind and loving and such damaged people often become toxic grandparents. Your only error here was to continue any sort of relationship with this woman who adopted you in the first place.

I would also think that if this lady does have a husband, he will back her to the hilt, such women always need a willing enabler to help them. I would argue that he also failed you as a child by failing to protect you from such influences.

It is not your fault this woman is this way, you have done nothing to cause this.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they?re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents? (and society?s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children?s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different ? instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
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If your parents were not good parents and you are considering whether or not to allow a relationship with your children, consider the following factors, as well as others, before deciding:
?Have they fully addressed their issues in SKILLED long-term therapy? (A few weeks or months is nowhere near adequate if your parents regularly mistreated you).
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?Have they been treated for all the root causes of their dysfunction or abuse?
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?Have they sincerely apologized and made amends for the hurtful things they did? Not just said, ?I?m sorry?, but really talked it all through with you over many hours? time?
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?Are they very different people to you from the ones you remember?
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?Do you currently have a healthy, functional and stable relationship with them?
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?Do they respect your choices and boundaries as a parent? Do they follow your requests about how you want your children to be treated and to behave?
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?Would you recommend your parents to your best friend as babysitters without any hesitation or worry, and feel comfortable giving your word that they?d never harm your friend?s child, without any doubt?
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?Have you worked through all of your feelings about the mistreatment you experienced through your parents?

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These are just a few of the important questions to answer. The best plan is to work through the matter with a therapist of your own, who has no bias toward trying to ?keep families together? despite the presence of mistreatment.
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more Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-bad-abusive-grandparents#ixzz2dvZU7VGa

You need to take a step back, and actually allow your DH to take the lead here so that the pressure is off you.
You have already said that he wants contact to be cut.
I think that sounds very wise, and I would let him be the person who explains to your daughter and let him be the person who tells the family why he is making the decision.

Doubtless some posters will feel this is the cowards way out, but it can be terribly hard to cope with handling disengagement from narc mothers and if you can sit on the sideline and allow someone else to create that distance for you ....its not opting out, its being really well well supported by someone who loves you.
The fact that the decision is coming from her father should help your daughter not blame you too much. She is also young, and will adjust.

I actually do know a little about Baptists (I am guessing you are in the US?). I also know people who have very successfully cut their ties from the way of life, and in both cases the families have eventually come around -albeit distantly.

I know how scary it is, OP. I know you don't want to lose contact with the decent people in the family, but at the moment your hand is being forced and really there is little other choice. You have to put your child first. Your mothers ability to harm you is in your mind rather than in reality, now that you are an adult (I do know how that feels and how very real the fear is). There is nothing she can actually do now that you live so far away and have your own life, and community and a whole new family of in-laws who do treat you well.

OP, just re-read your update and it is really important for you to understand that you absolutely should not visit them when you go NC Otherwise the situation just continues.

The people who you say are good, and kind, and understanding, will come to you. Or they won't
If they choose to ignore what she has done to you, and do not respect your adult choices then so be it - they are enablers, and you need to be free of the whole scenario

Thank you all for your replies, i am very greatful. I feel that cutting contact is the only option available to us now. my DH has wanted to take the lead for a long time an tell her to diaprear but i kept saying no i didnt want to hurt my daughter. I realsied that i wasn't helping the situation but i really was stuck as to how to handle her and not hurt my daughter further believe me i feel a tremendouse sense of guilt for this.

My Dad like (without sounding awful and snobby) isnt really that intelligent & wouldnt even understand if i tried to eaxplain any further, i gave up trying years ago to tell people about it. she did a number on him years ago too. She told my Dad lies about his father and they never spoke again until he was in his death bed. Becuase of that i have no relationships with my dads family who are lovley people.

I am in rural Ireland not the US, where the culture is not to speak of such things and most people are very old fashioned. I broke away from that years ago. I live in a nice town, i would say my family is life is normal here as i try my best to be a good parent and give my daughter everything a child deserves. Yes i did rebel, yes i did speak back to my Mother, i was no saint but i am not the horrible person she makes me out to be.

Visiting was cut to miminal contact but my M is very manipulative. If i was at work she would call my house phone and tell me daughter that there was an event on like a church party and would she she like to go with her. Ofcorse DD wanted to go, then when we said no we were awful parents no fun etc. all the things my M has said, proving her right to my D.

recently i signed my D up for ballet classses which she has wanted to do for a while. i said that on the next free day we could go shopping and buy what she needed. she told my M this over the phone and on the next visit she took my daughter out and bought her everything she needed and more. "Shes such a good granny, Mummy".

Very complicated as i needed her in my life for many reasons until i met my DH now she hates me for building a life without her.

If you do go NC I would suggest changing your phone number

The house phone is out since that happened.

AtillatheMeerkat the short answer is no to most of that. I have love towards my mother but a huge amount of gulit for the things i have said to her and for depending on her for so long. Also i feel that i shouldnt love her as she cant love me.... i dont think she has ever told me so.

There is no such thing here as therapy for the genreation my DD & M are from. In all the times i have tried to talk her to her about it she has never acknowledged her behaviour never mind said sorry for it. I have never once heard her say sorry to me.

My intention is to seek some kind of therapy for myself and my daughter. Even though i would say i am well rounded and fairly normal, what ever that is. I am a loving wife and mother and have done lots over the years to try and become so. I am totally different from the mother who raised me and the culture i was surrounded by. I did go to university at the age of 25 and i have achieved most of the things i wanted to. This whole thing has had its effect on me but i am a very strong minded person who believes that my life, any life should be cherished and its important that we make a positive impact on our own lives and in the world as there are enough negative people and negative actions witout any more. This is why i am treading so carefully for the lonterm effect on my daughters mental health. She is only a child and i need to make sure i do my best for her. God i love her so much this is heartbreaking for me.

The absolute best a parent can do for their child is to give them a safe stable home-life with happy parents, and allow them to maximise their opportunities.
So, you are doing the best for your child in cutting contact because contact is de-stabilising you, and causing a great deal of unhappiness.

I am not sure, though, that your daughter should go into therapy. Please don't take offence, but perhaps you are projecting a little? she seems happy, and comes from a happy home, so I susoect that some understanding explanation from her DF, backed up by you, should be enough for her.

Therapy would be a really positive move for you though, OP. Often things come very much to the fore when our children reach an age which was difficult in our own childhood.

Stay strong.