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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long to forget and move on?

17 replies

confusedandbetrayed · 04/09/2013 11:50

I recently found out that DH and my best friend had a drunk sex encounter and sent drunk sex texts for a few months which they have both completely regretted and for my own reasons as situation is very complicated amongst us all have decided to forgive and move on.
However it is obviously very raw and new and as much as I am trying get it out of my head, it is there on and off all the time.

If anyone has forgiven and moved on how long will it take for me to stop thinking about it? I don't hate them just what they did. I found the texts which also indicated about the sex on DH phone.

OP posts:

Xales · 04/09/2013 12:11

This is a massive betrayal by not one but two of the most important people in your life.

To be honest I think you will never forget.

You can forgive and move on. It will take time. A lot of time. They have shattered your trust. That isn't rebuilt fast. They have to work on it and prove they deserve your trust again.

Personally I don't know how you can stand to be in the same room as them.

People who have been there and made the same decision will be along to help I am sure. I am sure in most of these cases the H has to have zero contact ever again with OW for them to feel secure.

No idea how you can do that and stay friends with her.

DottyboutDots · 04/09/2013 12:49

Why do you want to forgive? If you didn't feel that you HAVE to forgive, what would you do?

Original poster

confusedandbetrayed · 04/09/2013 13:02

It is very complicated as I love them both, her as more than a friend and she loves me too. I know we sound completely fucked up and it has been hard on my DH knowing I have feeling for someone else as I have never been interested in women before.
I am just as bad as them but this has still gutted me as it was before anything before me and my bf started and they say it was just messing no emotion which I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.

I know you will want to judge our situation and I don't really want to have to say much more about it but really want to move on from this sick feeling which I know I can do but want to know how.

I never imagined either of us would do anything like this and we have been together nearly 20 years.

OP posts:

Zoe909 · 04/09/2013 13:06

You'll never forget that. TWO betrayals.

Ask yourself why you deserve so little that you would want to push your feelings back in to a box and try and forgive and forget that.

You have to pull the plug on that relationship and that friendship. not only did they cheat but they cheated with each other!

You say "I am as bad as them". Did you betray your husband? not just feelings, but a physical infidelity, with his friend? Don't persuade yourself that you're "as bad" and that you have no right to be pushed beyond what you feel you can tolerate.

Chyochan · 04/09/2013 13:12

I think you may be asking for the impossible if you want tips on how you are going to make it all go away for you on an emotional level. Though you havent explained much I also cant help feeling these two are rather dangerous, a bf who messed arround with your husband and is now involved with you? a faithless partner, it is all sounding well dodgy, I am horibly suspicious and cynical so hopefully its just that but please consider the posibility that neither of these two have your best interests at heart.

Zoe909 · 04/09/2013 13:18

ps, to pick up on something you said, that you don't hate them, just what they did..... that sounds like what I might say to my children! but these people aren't your children. you don't owe then unconditional love. They no longer deserve your loyalty. they have forfeited the right to your loyalty.

You can leave somebody / or end a relationship for emotions less extreme than hatred. You don't have to reach the point of hatred before you have the right to call time

Lovingfreedom · 04/09/2013 13:50

These two are playing you. If your friend and your husband loved you so much they wouldn't be deceiving you and betraying you like this. Sending texts for a few months isn't a drunken mistake...it's an on-going calculated habit at best.

Original poster

confusedandbetrayed · 04/09/2013 14:04

I really don't want to have to go into all the details but I do believe them when they sent it was a mistake to have sex and regretted it immediately and that the texts which were not constant, only when drunk and said that they had no intention of carrying out what was said. I can't understand why and they can't say why it happened but it was a brief time and has been over for a while.
Neither of them were in love with one another it was just a bit of fun and did feel guilty and ended the texts.
I fell in love with my friend and vice versa having never thought of a woman in that way before which completely threw me and DH who knew as I told him how I felt. I was having an affair with her when I found the texts. So i am not innocent.
There is so much more to the whole story but I don't want to go into it and this is why I want to just move on and forget.

I know you will now think I deserve it and I probably do I just want to know how long I will feel like this.

OP posts:

SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 14:11

So you cheated on your DH with her and then while doing this found out that your DH had cheated with her before?? I think that's karma.
What a mess.

Chyochan · 04/09/2013 14:32

I dont think you deserve it but I do think you should be very wary of your 'friend'

QuintessentialOldDear · 04/09/2013 14:35

This woman is not your friend. She is a sexual predator that has used you both.

Also, I think you need to reconsider your marriage if you BOTH have betrayed eachother with the same person. Is it worth it? Why not just move on from all this mess?

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 14:43

Oh god, OP, you've got a lot going on there.

My first instinct is to say that you and your DH should get away from this woman. She's a piece of work, isn't she?

If you were to choose between them, though, who would you stay with? I wouldn't think a relationship with her would be for long, tbh.

Did she instigate it so that you found the texts?

Is she a thrill seeker?

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 14:44

How long have you known her?

skyeskyeskye · 04/09/2013 14:55

If you were having an affair and so was he, then you are as bad as each other. You cannot berate him for doing exactly the same as you were doing.

However, if there is any way of saving your marriage, then BOTH of you need to cut this woman out of your lives. If you can't do that, then end your marriage. This woman does not sound like somebody that either of you should be with though....

Original poster

confusedandbetrayed · 04/09/2013 19:17

Imperial we have been friends about 4 years and no she didn't instigate me finding the texts.

I know it is probably Karma and I deserve it but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I want to get over it and move on. I have a strong connection with bf despite all that has happened and being with her even without intimacy makes me calmer and happy.
I just need to learn to trust again and Dh to trust me. we still love each other and I never fell out of love with him it just got complicated.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 04/09/2013 20:40

Well, she's not your best friend now is she? Have nothing to do with her ever again. That goes for your dh too. If you should bump into her, be frosty but polite, and don't chat.

I don't know how long it will take to get over a double betrayal, but keeping away from this woman is a good start.

Do you love your dh and do you both want to stay together? Or be free? Go from there really. And new mobiles numbers for you both as well. If you and your dh talk about it so much the better, but it really depends on if you both think its worth it. Talk about it without mentioning this woman.

SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 20:44

I think you have some very strange boundary issues going on Op.

I don't shag my best friend and I don't expect my DH to fuck her either.
But you have and you want to 'forget and move on' but you can't.
Either you want to be with her or him.
Choose.
To be honest though i think you'd all be better off away from each other because this is fuck up beyond reasonable repair.
You can't trust him, he can't trust you and neither of you can trust her.

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