Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long does it take to know the 'real' him?

11 replies

StillDiscovering · 04/09/2013 11:39

Would anyone like to share their stories with me of how long they think it takes to get to know someone properly, or to spot a red flag?
:)
Has anyone had any experiences of a guy taking awhile to show his true colours?

I am newly dating someone. I am a bit skeptical because I was in a long term relationship & I haven't dated before. I am surprised that I have found a nice genuine guy so quickly. I am happy to see how it goes & I am very laid back. I have been thinking how long will it take me to get to know the 'real' him properly is all! :)

OP posts:
Emptychairs · 04/09/2013 11:47

How does he treat the staff in restaurants, check outs etc?
Usually being polite to people working in service jobs is a pretty good indicator if he's nice all,round.

Dahlen · 04/09/2013 12:12

There's no set amount of time because some people are more open than others and a lot depends on how much you see of each other and in what context.

Scientific studies suggest that it takes between 6 months and 2 years for the honeymoon period to wear off, and after this you are able to view the person more accurately rather than seeing only what you (and they) want (you) to see.

Someone who sees a new partner 1x a week for 6 months will probably not know someone as well as the person who sees their new partner pretty much every day for 3 months. However, you could spend two weeks constantly in each other's company and if you are in a little bubble in which the normal trials and tribulations of work, family, DC and family life aren't intruding, that could be less insightful into a person's true colours than a few hours in a stressful situation. It's all so variable.

If you're trying to assess someone there are a few things you can check for. The so-called waitress test emptychairs refers to is a pretty good one for starters. There are lots of websites out there about red flags in dates which contain great advice.

IF you want to be more specific to him and whether he's right for YOU, I'd say don't make the mistake of thinking you really know him until:

? You've had your first disagreement (not necessarily a row as such, but simply a subject on which you have completely polarised views. If it's personal to one or both of you, so much the better as it will be a more genuine indication of what he'd be like to live with). Is he able to agree to disagree? Can he make his point without belittling yours? Does he let you talk without interrupting you? Does he sulk afterwards?

? You've spent some time at each other's houses and seen his approach to domestic tasks. If you cook, does he volunteer to wash up? Does he leave things lying around your house and expect you to pick up after him or is he respectful of your belongings and space?

? You've been together long enough to experience a few plans scuppered at short notice because of whatever reason. How does he handle those? If he's cancelling it, is he apologetic and considerate? If you break a date, is he understanding and sympathetic and keen to see you again?

? You've talked about his attitudes to women and the sex industry. This is usually better if it comes up naturally - e.g. "I was on MN today and there was a discussion about how sexist that song by Robin Thicke is because.... What do you think?" Mens' attitudes towards women can become very clear when discussed in a context like this. Porn is another important topic because if you hate it and he loves it, or vice versa, it WILL cause problems in your relationship. Best to get it out in the open straight away - preferably before either one of you attempts to give the 'right' answer because you don't want to threaten the relationship over something you secretly think is insignificant.

? You've talked about your approach to money. Ideally you'll be the same. It's not impossible to make it work if you have completely different styles, but you do need to understand each other's approach and work out how you could manage that so that it doesn't cause either financial problems or frustration.

? You've talked hypothetically about marriage and children. There isn't a right or a wrong answer to this and talking about it hypothetically doesn't mean it has to happen. Saying "I want to get married when I meet the right person and have children" does NOT mean "I want to marry YOU and have your babies NOW".

Good luck with the new man. Most of all, remember that if it's not fun, it's not worth it. In the meantime, enjoy.

tallwivglasses · 04/09/2013 12:24

Some good answers here. I'd add how does he talk about ex's?

StillDiscovering · 04/09/2013 12:43

I didnt expect to get such great advice, thank you for your replies :)
Very interesting things to look out for!

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/09/2013 15:29

Agree with above posts.

It takes longer than you think sometimes. Good luck!

witchofmiddx · 04/09/2013 21:49

Amazing advice here. I waited 5 years before marrying my dh as I believe it really does take time to know how people react to the different things life throws at you... And that takes time. My patience paid off and he is who he showed me at the beginning.

A friend met someone online, married quickly. Wonderful life together. Three years later her dd confided to friend her step dad had sexually abused her. That is a worst case scenario but you just have to "be" with someone an awful long time, especially if children are involved.

lurkinglorna · 04/09/2013 22:55

Dahlen I love that post Thanks

anyone got anything else? or any more tips Dahlen? cheers Smile

Leavenheath · 05/09/2013 00:38

Great post Dahlen

Can I add this?

See what he's like with other people e.g. his family, your family, his friends, your friends, his colleagues.

Watch how people relate to him and how he relates to them.

I remember going out with a man for a couple of months and then meeting his friends in a pub. There were so many jokes about moths flying out of his wallet and him always being in the loo when everyone's glasses were getting empty and it dawned on me.

He was as tight as a badger's arse.

lurkinglorna · 05/09/2013 00:51

bump bump Smile love this thread!

i don't have form for picking "bad ones" as in violent or "really nasty" - so i'm not afraid of that- but if i was to enter a long term relationship i'd want it to be good and us to be compatible and to actually be happy with room for personal growth in it. last one was a LDR (and might be resuming with him at some point but in the same city) so need to think about what it would be like seeing each other more regularly!

thats my tip i guess? room for personal growth and change? as in does he want you to stay the same, what would his reaction be if you wanted to make a life change that made you happy

would he be, or is he, supportive and flexible and adaptable?

i've seriously dated guys who are TIED to one city or a job path or aging parents (mothers!) or whatever, and though of course past a certain age we all have commitments, think carefully about how they might affect you as once you're a team they'll be "your commitments" too?

lurkinglorna · 05/09/2013 01:00

to add to last point:

watch for the parents. not as in they have to be cookie cutter perfect, ideally he and his parents won't be in each others pockets and he'll have an independent life.

but if he's "too" close to them and/or mother/father is domineering it can be an issue if things get serious. set boundaries to start off with so you can observe at a distance.

Viking1 · 05/09/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page