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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP just not interested in me or anything I do

12 replies

JjLovely · 04/09/2013 07:48

DP just never seems interested or happy in anything I do. I have two major end of year exams next week and he keeps forgetting, says stuff like "got anything on next week?" or "what you upto next week?" etc. Dont get me wrong I don't expect him o hang off my ever word and know my life inside out but he's just not bothered at all. On top of my degree I've just got a new job which will help us out massively financially. When I found out I'd been successful he didn't seem that interested, said he'd take me out to celebrate and never did. Never wanted to talk about it yet said he was "happy for me" and "proud".
I started said job yesterday and he didn't seem that bothered about that either. Barely asked me how my first day went, wasn't interested in the pay, pension or anything else so when I got home we barely spoke about it. He left work at 4.30 and I left at 4.45. It takes him 10 minutes to get home - it takes me 45 minutes to get home through busy traffic yet when I got home all he wanted to do was moan about what the kids had done. I made tea, made him a drink, did the packed lunches, baked a simple cake and then started studying for my exam and he was pissed off that I'd left the kitchen a mess - we'd BOTH been at work all day, why was EVERYTHING my job?

It's not just work either, it's everything else. He's been promising me since Christmas that he'd start Badminton or Squash with me yet nothing has come of it. Last week he came home saying he'd had a great time playing tennis with guys from work. I got a bit pissed off and said "right, I'll find a friend to play with then shall I?" and he replied "yeah you may as well." - realising what was up he then added "Oh no, book it and I'll come with you" - yeah sure you will, for one day under duress. Oh what fun.

He did the same thing with cinema. Arranged to go with me a couple of weeks ago and then went with friends instead.

He's never interested in my hobbies or anything I'm doing either. I sometimes think he misses his ex wife's style of living which was just staying at home all day cleaning and tidying. No job, no friends, no hobbies - how simple life must have been for him then when his woman had nothing going on in her life but him and the kids. Is this what he wants??

He never wants to have sex either. If ever I try and initiate it he says he's too tired yet he insists on coming to bed past midnight everynight to ENSURE he's too tired for anything else. If I suggest an early night he says "but I can't sleep this early" - that's the idea!!!

God I feel like giving up. He's never happy with anything I try and do. This new job will benefit us BOTH. Why can't he be happy?

We've just booked to go to Barcelona for a few nights - he doesn't seem interested in that either saying it's "ages away" (6 weeks away) yet when he was going away with the lads to Leeds festival he couldn't contain his excitement and was constantly on the internet searching for it.

Is it just me then or what?

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 04/09/2013 07:55

What are you getting out of being with him?

Catwoman12 · 04/09/2013 08:21

OP, it certainly isn't you, love. You need to re-read what you have just written, what are you gaining from this relationship?

It sounds very one sided, you need to explain what you have written down here, to him, see what his reaction is, and if he wants to improve/change.

some wise mnetters will be a long shortly, all the best x

Lovingfreedom · 04/09/2013 08:26

I think you got it right on your thread title. He's not that interested. Find yourself another badminton partner, arrange to go away with friend instead. If you leave him out and get on with it he will probably start finding you interesting again and if he doesn't at least you'll be enjoying yourself.

LineRunner · 04/09/2013 08:30

I really feel for you. I would rather be on my own (with DCs) than in a relationship with no intimacy and no interest shown in me.

When do you and your partner communicate best?

CookieDoughKid · 04/09/2013 08:32

Reads to me he is only with you for his convenience. Why don't you just delegate your house hold tasks to him? If he doesn't do them, why don't you 'forget' to make his tea? I would start befriending some hot guy (platonic of course) and take you out for badminton. Have your dh open the door to him and see if he takes notice! Lol.. if it doesn't even register and he doesn't change then it's a lost cause.

If it were me I'd just talk to dh and lay out the problem. Give dh deadlines and lay it on the line. If no action, you leave. I'm sure he will notice then as up to now, he has no incentive!!

mrsbeano · 04/09/2013 08:38

Have you tried something as simple as eating round the table together in the evening and talking about your day? Sometimes the monotony of daily life can make you forget these things.

I would also just get on and make my own plans with my friends so you're having a social life and a work life and a life with your children. Hopefully, you'll just become so interesting that his interest in you is reignited.

This is all assuming that you want to stay with him.

purplewithred · 04/09/2013 08:40

Have you tried something as simple as dumping him?

CoffeeTea103 · 04/09/2013 08:45

If your best friend or sister told you the exact same in this post what would you advise her.

Viking1 · 04/09/2013 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbeano · 04/09/2013 11:35

Sigh, why is the answer always to dump them on MN? They have DC and its worth a shot, surely.

LemonDrizzled · 04/09/2013 12:07

mrsb maybe it is because so many people get complacent in long term relationships and forget that it needs to work for both partners to be successful. And there is a tendency for women (mainly) to think that they are there to provide domestic service and not complain when their spouse takes them for granted.

Sometimes the LTB is a wake up call to the OP to say "Actually you don't have to put up with this.. you could call time on this apparently crappy one sided relationship. You don't have to stay for the rest of your life if your needs are not being met."

OP have you heard of "Wifework" ? It would be useful for you to read.

biryani · 04/09/2013 12:45

Op you could be me! Leaving a relationship where there are kids is easier said than done. However you are working and presumably financially, at least, able to hold your own in this relationship.

I have dealt with my Dp's indifference by establishing a life of my own where his approval isn't needed. It's hard because I've had to accept that I do not matter to him. However I've developed new frienships and interests as a result, and hope to return to full-time work soon.

I appreciate that my relationship is very long term and that yours is relatively new, and that you naturally have high expectations.

I doubt your Dp will change, though!

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