How do i escape narcissist ex?

[Ghirly]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for some serious advice.

I had been seeing someone for just over a year whom I loved very much - I still do. But whilst seeing him it was actually one of the unhappiest times of my life.
We 'split up' last year but nothing much changed except our relationship status.

I ended up in counselling - which I still attend - even though we are split almost a year. This man destroyed my self esteem, confidence, everything.

It was only during my last session that my counsellor made me realise my ex is an extreme narcissist. He hasn't been diagnosed (although he too was having therapy, it was never picked up, or if it was, he never told me).

If you read any article (and I've researched extensively) on narcissism it describes him exactly, it's frightening.

My problem is, now I understand a bit of what he is I'm wary of how to deal with trying to escape his clutches.

He still has huge input in my life, questions everything I do, where I go. If he upsets me its always turned round to being my fault. I struggled to cope with this but I now realise its 'him' not me.

We had another falling out tonight and its made me realise I cannot continue to have this man (who unfortunately is a very close friend of my brother) in my life.
I tried to stay friendly due to the connection but now I understand a bit about his mental health condition I know I'm just going to continue being his scapegoat, him dragging me down and me taking the 'blame' for any thing, however minor, that upsets him.

There are so many examples of his extreme narcisstic behaviour I could write a novel.

Is there anyone who has had experience of NPD who can help me with how to appropriately deal with cutting contact? I'm aware I can't handle him in the same way I would any person who didn't suffer NPD.

I'm almost ashamed to admit I still love him immensely and cutting contact will be the hardest thing I will ever do.

But I cannot let him continue destroying my personality, and ultimately, my life.

Sorry this is long, I truly appreciate any advice.

Thanking you in advance.

Can you tell me about your Brother?

It is awkward with the connection to your Brother. Are you a close family? Can you explain to your Brother this Man could be a danger to you and him?

Have you read any of Melanie Tomia Evans, she touts for business a bit but there are free articles and some free ebooks on cutting contact with narcs plus a free newsletter. As you say yourself, your ex has a large input in your life and he can only have that if you let him. Ignore ignore ignore - even though he will know all the buttons to push to get sympathy or a reaction, but never react immediately to anything he says or writes and take time to think about it and interpret it.

cutting contact might be the hardest thing you ever have to do but it is the only way to recover from having a narcissistic person in your life. I wish there was some good news I could give you but sadly, the no contact rule seems to be the only answer.

Although it will be hard to do, you do very quickly start to feel a lot better!

Do you have children with him? If not, why on earth does he still have "a huge input in my life" - see, that aint right.

Cut contact. You don't love him. It's an addiction to him. Break it. Five minutes at a time, hour at a time, day at a time. Distract yourself by arranging things to do, decorating, hobbies, challenges. to him but don't send the messages. If you feel an uncontrollable urge to contact him then draft email or letter...but save as draft and don't send it. Get a notebook and purge all your feelings and thoughts and fears onto the page. Do not speak to him or respond to him in any way. Stay away from your brother for a while if necessary.

There is some excellent advice if you scroll down to the end of this article

You have to become really boring to him and stop giving him narcissistic supply. Never, ever get sucked into dramatic scenes where you try to justify why you cannot be with him despite your Great Love - he'll feed off that hugely.

You yourself have got to dial down the drama in your own mind too. You mustn't think of him as The One I Love But Who Will Destroy Me. He's just an unpleasant little man who knows how to push your buttons. It sounds petty, but it helps a bit if you can cut him down to size by use of a derisive nickname. The one I use is the poison dwarf. If you read Alex Nouri's website,

Logistically, it's really not hard. If he's in a room, don't go into it. Don't answer the phone to him, don't respond to emails or texts, of do so in an utterly banal and boring way. Cut him off by telling him you need to go to the toilet. Don't play Heathcliff and Kathy. Bore him. Bore yourself. A dramatic renunciation is just another drama - what you're aiming at is "can't be bothered", and fake it till you make it.

Oops, Alex Nouri's website So you're in love with a narcissist calls this type of man Toads.

I spent a lot of years under the spell of someone who I now know has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I found an article about narcissism in the paper, looked it up on the internet, and then read in horror as he 'ticked' all the boxes for NPD.

It was a relief to find this out, as I now know that none of his behaviour was due to mine, there really is nothing I can do to help him, and I know now the unpleasant and spiteful things he says to me are just him deflecting his own insecurities on to me and trying to keep control over me.

Walk away (slowly and quietly; NPDs can get nasty if you fling their NPD in their faces) and cut off ALL contact - no FB friendships, no popping in for cups of tea.. I would even have to think seriously about going to a party if I knew he was going to be there, because I know I'd be trapped by those basilisk eyes, while the most appalling abuse comes out of his mouth...

(I make him sound like a cartoon villain, doesn't it? Well, you ain't met him..)

Bibiomania's advice is bang on the money!

Mr X's saving grace is that he is actually the most appalling shag, and this makes it easier for me to give him the swerve. I think many NPDs are like this, as only their needs matter to them, not yours, and they tend to see their partners rather like blow-up dolls to wank over. To them the chase is everything, and in Mr X's case, I could literally feel him losing interest once I was in position (sorry if TMI!).

So it's easier to move on/put a narcissist out of your mind when you remember that you may fantasize sexually about them, but you will never, ever, get a decent shag out of them, and that, if you think about it now, you never really did.

Great! I've just killed my first thread! And on a topic I feel my life experience has so qualified me to endlessly blither on about!

In sensitivity to the OP, the other posts here cover the essentials of the subject well without going on to multiple pages (which can get tiresome/irritating/embarrassing/navel-gazing on some subjects), awareness of narcissism is pretty good on MN with plenty of other similar threads you can read, and there's lots of useful stuff out there on the internet you can follow up. I hope you have the lightbulb moment that I and many others have had thanks to the internet, and it brings you help and comfort.

Thank you for all the great links. Can anyone advise how they managed no contact if children were involved?
Sorry to use your post OP. I can fully sympathise with you though.
Thanks in advance.

If you can't do no contact do minimal and boring.....

even when he uses the children against you, even when you'd be within your rights to rant and rave. Expect nothing, rely on them for nothing, never be disappointed in what they do or don;t do. Make arrangements only by text or preferably email so you can refer back to it. Make them short and direct and to the point (even if you think it seems rude). Try not to ever reply within the first hour of receiving the email...always give yourself time to make sure you say exactly what you mean no more and no less. Absolutely refuse to talk about anything of any importance to you with him, if you absolutely have to talk about the children then follow it up with an email confirming what you talked about and what was decided.

Keep him out of your space, manage handovers away from your house if you can and if not keep him on the other side of the doorstep.

Detach, detach, detach.......

Yes communicate only by email, and only about times, places (of drop-offs/pick ups) and essential health/education matters. Use very business-like language and stick to facts. Never rise to abuse, or respond to praise or insults. If you have to see them face to face make it as brief as possible and stick to short boring answers, only enough to make the kids feel ok and not be outwardly too rude. If your ex puts you on the spot about something to do with the kids, money or whatever, say 'put it in an email' and end the conversation. Never defend your own actions or explain why you've done anything. Never respond to anything you don't need to. Four pages of ranting email from him - response is 'yes, thanks half past two is fine for the pick-up'. Cheerful but businesslike tone throughout. They will try various tactics to re-engage you - crying, shouting, flinging insults, threatening suicide or...worst of all...being friendly, funny or charismatic. Ignore all of these....they are just trying to reel you back in. Even if anything they say makes you sad, angry, upset, nostalgic or anything else....try not to show them. Act as if you are stupid and keep your emotional responses to yourself.

Oh yeah good point fool....don't expect them to be reasonable. Don't expect them to be nice. Don't expect anything. But if they are reasonable or nice...don't start thinking 'oh he's changed...it was me' or anything like that. He hasn't and it wasn't....he's just trying it on again (or having a random reasonable day).

I'm at college just now so I thank everyone for fab advice, I'll reply properly when I get home.
Just so you don't think I've abandoned my own thread!

Can I recommend the book "Psychopath Free", easily ordered on Amazon. There is definitely a cross-over between psychopaths and narcissists. The book (esp. last part) may help you get stronger.

Kind regards x

Thanks Fool and Loving for advice and True for book recommendation.
It wasn't until reading this thread and all the links that I realised my exDP of over 10 years is a narcissist. I always put it down to his clinical depression but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Oh good, I'm glad I didn't bore everyone off. Dealing with kids with an NPD must take things to a whole new level because you can't just run away from him then (although I'd be tempted tho I know it would be wrong).

A few years ago, my Mr X discovered he was sterile. The world and its wife (and kids) have been saved a great deal of pain!

Thanks SoWhat for the links.
My exDP left us during the school holidays saying "he needed space" yet continued to call and visit. Ive stopped that. Im trying to get on with life and he is now saying he misses home life. When i show Im weakening, he then says "Oh Im not so sure now". So time to get angry! Whilst he is not full of himself, hesees himself as a loser, he displays many of the characteristics. It is difficult arrangin child contact but advice above is great. Positive is at least my own children wont grow up in a household thinking his behaviour is normal.

Just to explain a wee but extra about my narcissist ex - we don't have children.
He lives 100 miles away from me. I have 3 brothers and he plays in a band with 2 of my brothers.

The brother who is closest to him warned me that he had 'issues' and although he loves him as a pal, he would not recommend him as a bf to anyone so he is glad we split up - he could tell I was unhappy.
I did tell my brother I didn't want my problems with him to affect their friendship.

The advice and info on here has been amazing.

I've decided just to stop replying friendly wise to his texts.

I've tried on previous occasions to distance myself from him but he always asks what he has done etc etc and draws me back in.

I appreciate any advice or harsh words!

Sorry if my reply is a bit 'all over the place' - my 8 yr old isnt settling so is distracting me!

^I've decided just to stop replying friendly wise to his texts.^

leave him to his mates, you are not his friend and he is not yours. never think that he can be or will be.

glad he's miles away :)

stay strong and don't worry about appearing to be rude.