just too many problems and all at once!

[QueenofWhispers]

Everything that can ever go wrong for someone has gone wrong for me.

I've made my share of bad decisions.

This week is a stressful week, my sister has just gotten engaged, graduated from university (tomorrow is my future brother in laws graduation from the same uni) and Saturday is my son's birthday...because of all these celebrations, my mother has come from out of town to stay with us to join in the festivities. My mother is already a severely toxic individual and I only tolerate her for the sake of my sisters who she adores. However, my mother is a whole other thread.

I had been putting off buying a few bits and bobs for my son's birthday party due to waiting for my paycheque to hit my account. This is not an unusual situation. DH and I are quite good with finances but he has one seriously annoying habit.

Every single time I have to do an online shop (for the past 7 years) he over checks my order and takes out things that he feels are inappropriate. I have explained to him several times that if I don't buy them when I need them, the cost to me is more as I'll either have to go buy it on the day, make it or buy it and rush deliver it. Last week he decided to cut out the meat in our last grocery order to save money, however as a result, we have now had to entertain hungry bellies and I am having to make daily trips to the local grocery store for food everyday. This is pissing me off to a whole other level. I just don't have the time or money to spend at the local tesco metro per meal; where I could have just had all my groceries delivered to my home in one go like a normal human being.

Today, while I was buying birthday party stuff, he decided to re-do the shop through quidco to save some money. In the midst of him copying over the shopping list, he decided he was going to cut my list shorter and kept saying 'we don't need this...we don't need that'. I'm afraid I lost the plot and just started screaming at him to just "FOLLOW the damn list". He argued, and I raised my voice over and over and over again until he had in fact followed the list. Now generally, I don't do this. I don't raise my voice like this, and I don't get worked up...but to me this behaviour is controlling and abusive and I am terribly upset by the whole episode. I never 'throw my toys out of the pram' ... I don't generally raise my voice like this either; but the anger that has built up inside of me over this behaviour is ridiculous.

What is worse is that he expects me to apologise to him for raising my voice; but I just cannot apologise regarding the voice raising because he knows how UPSET this behaviour of his makes me and he continues to do it to me on a very regular basis. This party has been budgeted for, it has been planned for and it has had a LOT of careful consideration before we have it. None of this has been on a whim, none of it for any other purpose than to have a sweet little party for my little bear.

DH has gone off to have a shower and is refusing to speak to me unless I apologise...and I'm not so sure I can.

I think the simplest solution would be to agree with him that everything he takes out if the list, which is needed later (like meat), he has to go and buy when it's needed.

Also he sounds horribly controlling, but maybe this could help him understand the problem

He sounds like a control freak. He should not have to check your shopping and then remove things from it. That's unacceptable really. He he must check it, he should accept your reasons for why you need these things.

I don't see why you should apologise but you do need to get him to see that his behaviour cannot go on.

Oh, and change your password, then he can't check it!

Well done on getting him to follow the list.

It sounds horrible and makes your life far harder when you have to go out and buy it all, I don't know how you have kept your temper so long.

Enjoy the peace and just speak to him normally.

Send the order before he checks it. He sounds like a twat. Sorry

He is just refusing to speak to me all together.

He came in earlier (while I was posting) read over my shoulder and asked me 'why do you have to complain to mumsnet; you know every penny saved is a penny earned'.

He then went to shower and afterwards told me I was being silly and he was going to refuse to speak to me until I apologised. I just can't do it. Even if I tried forcing myself to do it, I cannot at all justify an apology for this.

For what it's worth, I think he's a twat too.

He came back again and apologised and told me his budgeting is terrible and so is mine...and this party is not an essential.

I won't be cancelling, as I have budgeted. It is a seriously cheap as chips party with a few friends and children.

He has apologised for being annoying. He is still sulking because I won't apologise.

You've covered for his controlling behaviour by buying in the shortfall. If it ever happens again, just sort the kids and you out and he can go hungry till he goes and gets his own. And you don't apologise for his unreasonable behaviour

His behaviour is quite absurd. It does sort of remind me though of exh having tantrums in Tesco over me trying to meal plan and trying to get me to leave without a weeks shopping. In hindsight I think his motivation was to keep me stressed at all times. He would then use needing to go to the shops to obstruct other stuff. It's complicated behaviour.
The refusing to engage with a party he doesn't approve of rings strangely true as well. Again maintaining Los level stress and controlling and obstructing. Good luck x

See, on many levels I agree with you ham this does keep me quite stressed. I cannot understand, comprehend or justify the nuisance it's been to do the groceries this way.

To be quite fair, the reason I've coped with this behaviour was just by ordering take out or going out for meals whenever this happened, but it's just not a viable option anymore. Not to mention how horrified I feel when staff at local restaurants know what we like to eat on certain days. We really shouldn't be going out to eat.

...and I really should have more control over what goes in my fridge.

Poor Queen you need a and a and a bit of time out!

In the short term well done to your DSis and congratulations on her engagement! And keep calm with Toxic Mum and let's hope she doesn't outstay her welcome!

In the long term you have a controlling and headfucking DH who needs it spelling out that his behaviour is unacceptable. Running a household economically means buying cheap in bulk and not last minute takeaways or corner shop panic purchases. If he thinks he could do things better then give him the budget and let him do the shopping for a month. But actually isn't he just trying to sabotage you and make you feel undermined?

What is he like otherwise?

Well, because of this annoying habit of his in the past I have given him the task of doing the groceries.

Cue deliveries of £170.00-£250.00 of dry pasta at our doorstep. No meat, no fruit, no vegetables. This alone can make me want to tear all of my hair out.

Otherwise, though I'm treated well. There is affection and care and attentiveness. He is a very hands on father; he does his share of chores. I've never had to wake up in the middle of the night if our son has woken up--not ever since he was born (he requested if I could express bm in the early days so I wouldn't have to wake up...and I was more than happy to oblige). Throughout our relationship he has been kind even though he has had to work harder and harder. Instead of evenings where we used to sit on the couch to watch TV or snuggle in bed, we are both having to work late into the evenings for work; but we do this sitting together side by side. We often manage to still spend at least an hour together before bed.

When it comes to his parents, he has learned to stick up for me and has stood by me. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, but I do need to be fair because we have been together for 10 years, married for 7. I have been openly sharing this thread with him because I feel that other women can sympathise with my feelings and shed light of how restrictive the whole tesco shop situation is.

*
Thank you for reading and helping. I now have to find my mother who has run away.

It is a false economy to avoid the expense of the online shop if you then have to go and shop for the same thing, as you are using petrol to go to the shops and might impulse buy when you are there.

If you might end up eating out or getting takeaways as there is no proper food in the house to fill every one up then that is a disaster financially.

DH is BVU and unhelpful. If my DH commented on a delivery, let alone tried to change the order, he would be doing the food shopping and cooking all by himself for the whole family.

He sounds like a good husband in other ways.

It doesnt make financial sense to cut food off the bill, then live on takeaways and meals out as they will cost four times the price of eating at home.

and why would anybody need that much pasta?

If he can't stop doing it, then change the password, and order what you need.

DH has agreed to back away from the food order. He says that if he's worried about money he'll just give me a number and if I need to spend over that, we'll re-jig the budget to make it work.

I feel that this is a fair outcome. I just don't understand why it took THIS thread and a massive melt down on my part to resolve a problem I've been bringing up calmly for the last 7 years. So I suppose this is part 2 of our problem.

Why did it take THIS thread and THIS long to come to an amicable decision regarding the groceries and his controlling behaviour to it?

Mmmmm good question OP. It is as if he doesn't value your opinion without someone else agreeing with you. Very depressing.

Maybe because his fear re budget being out of control were bigger than his fears re you being upset.
This time, you blew up. Upset about you being upset got bigger than his fear of going over budget , so he listened.

Tbh if you do budget carefully, he should have been horrified at the cost of restaurant plus added groceries compare to the additional cost before he removed the offending items.
And he clearly never had to do the cooking for a week as he would have realised that £150 of pasta doesn't allow you to feed a family for a week. Or not in healthy way.

Lady

Until recently we were able to just cruise on by with blindly spending on food because our other costs were quite low. Unfortunately now, things have changed and we are unexpectedly pregnant with a second child. The upcoming increase spending that we will be facing towards a new child, a new car and an upcoming wedding is more than we had expected for this year. 

This month our expenditure has increased by 40% just through the family events (even though we aren't even paying for them). Just the cost to attend and take a gift is ridiculous. 

When DH did the cooking for a month with his £170.00 worth of pasta he complained about how bland the whole thing was so ordered pizza every other day anyway.

I am not surprised he found it bland!
Have you tried to add up the cost of the pizza, restaurant etc?

I hadn't added up the cost for the pizza at the time; because at that time in our lives we had the disposable income to just spend on pizza if we wanted; that just isn't the case anymore. I've calculated what that month cost us and an average month costs us if he continues to behave this way.