Access arrangements -abusive ex

[blackcoffee]

I am so upset. Left ex years ago, no contact at first but facilitated for sake of dc. Usually day visits. Couple of years ago he had them for a week at a time, was anxious about this but seemed to go well. They have just got back. Both have been slapped, ds sent to bed without dinner and - this just kills me -not allowed to use loo til he wet himself. We are always told that fathers are vital, right? I am livid I allowed them to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to love them. Both dc are philosophical about it but I am distraught and feel really let down. No contact? supervised contact? Don't know where to post or what to say really. Would never have let them go if I'd known.

stop contact, ring children's services and ask them to do an assessment. The thing that has come across clearest in my recent dealings with Children's services, re abusive ex, is that it is best to stop contact and ask for help if you have issues than continue to let things go on.

How old are they? Not that this is OK at any age, but am wondering how come they're philosophical about it. And if they're a reasonable age, their opinions might count as to whether you could stop contact.

I'm thinking of a situation I know of where the mother had fled a physically abusive man and injunctions were in place. Against all her instincts, she maintained contact for the DCs. Recently, however, her youngest, at 8, stated she didn't want to visit her dad for the time being as he was "mean to Mum." She was adamant although sibling continued.
She checked it out with the courts and they allowed the child's opinion to count.

Of course you wouldn't have let them go if you had known. The fact that they are philosophical suggests that maybe this isn't the first time ? My kids have been assaulted and neglected by their dad but still want to see him - an abusive relationship is so complex to explain to anyone on the outside

You can and must stop contact and ask for help. Can you get the details of your local social services safe guarding team ? They are your best first point of contact.

8 and over, yeah.
I am stopping contact. I am gutted.
I will talk to them and reassure them. Philosophical's probably not the right word. Just not upset right now.
Before they went they were so excited.

onebuddha how do you manage the relationship for your dc?

Sorry am going to bed now, thanks so much for listening.
Should I tell him why or make excuses? Ironically he got our address from them this visit, I've not given it out before but after years of things going OK I'd relaxed, and he got it off ds. He won't visit or anything, he's miles away. I don't think he's even that bothered about seeing them. Apart from his image.
We did have CAF input last year re behavioural stuff. The professionals involved were bigging him up for being such a great dad because he'd maintained contact despite the distance.
I need to talk to them over the next few days. Right now they are home and safe. I'll take advice as you suggest.