how do I support DH?

[marsybum]

long story short my DH has been treated badly by his parents ask his life, was told he was a failure fir going to uni instead of finding a wife and settling down in the town he grew up in, then they complained that he had caused them financial problems as he moved out so stopped paying board - telling people they had to remortgage their house for him to go to uni - he didn't get moral support from them never mind financial.
when he met me they weren't happy
that I had children, managed to cur our engagement party short, and complained we didn't visit enough (Leeds to Nottingham) we were going once every few weeks, even hired a car when we didn't have one - they have visited once, a week before Xmas to 'collect their presents' as I couldnt drive due to a ruptured ovarian cyst.
when his sister got married my children weren't invited - telling us no children were, then sat us at a table of teenagers.
upshot was they engineered a disagreement before our wedding, to have an excuse not to go, and we've heard nothing from them since. (almost 2 months) he's had a text today from his mum saying as he doesn't keep in touch they thought they should let him know his dad was admitted to hospital Sunday with a suspected stroke, it's not a stroke but he has blurred vision and is unsteady on his feet - sister Mum and Son in law have been with him whole time.
understandably he's upset, especially as the text seems to be once again implying he's the only one at fault. he's text back asking which hospital/ward but not had a reply.

I want to help him but I feel so useless, I've said we can go tonight if he wants to, I don't want anything to do with them but I'll support him in anything he wants to do

ok that's not a short story is it!

I just feel so useless my lovely wonderful DH is hurting and I can't help

I feel sad for your husband. It must be very hard for you both.

I'm not sure what you can do other than listen to your husband. How does he feel about his families reaction to him/his family?

Hopefully somebody else with more knowledge will be along soon.

On a practical level, if there are in Nottingham with a suspected stroke then he is probably at City Hospital rather than Queens so you could try ringing them and finding out.

Other than that, there isnt anything you can do I am afraid other than support his choice and direct him into therapy. I did that with my H and it helped enormously. We had similar with his mother and for similar reasons (his dad passed some years ago) and it was only therapy that helped him come to terms with his emotionally neglectful childhood and subsequent issues.

Plenty of people are assholes and a good number of them are parents. In this instance your DH's. They're not about to change of their own accord. Like typical bullies they get their jollies by making him feel bad and he needs to disempower them. Never show that you're upset,, ridicule or ignore their pathetic need to belittle you. Better still, if they have no positive influences on your lives, cut them off altogether. You wouldn't tolerate that crap from non-related folk so, for the sake of a few shared genes, why put up with it from them? This dad sounds worse than mine,,, and I won't tolerate mine. Lives only 10 mins from me and I've seen him maybe 4 times in 10 years, 3 of them by accident. NOTHING in common, nothing I ever did was good enough - who needs that? Not me, not you/DH. Once you're a grown-up, typically people can only abuse you if you let them. Eradicate assholes from your life and be happy. It's liberating,,, really.

What SlangKing said

you're absolutely right, they tried to ruin our wedding day and failed, they are horrid people and he's struggled to loosen the grip they have on them. he likened it to Stockholm syndrome, he knows their abusive but still craves their approval? I can't begin to understand my parents have always been, well, normal?
he hardly slept last night and has had nothing more from them and given previous manipulation from them I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't true? it seems very coincidental that this has happened just when he closed down his little used Facebook account that his sister was on...