Jobless DH pissing me off!

[grants1000]

He's had a hard time with ex business partner, long story, so boring. He's on anti depressants, no £ coming in, he's had to sign on, my mum helping with the mortgage, thankfully. I get that all this is more than enough to feel shit & some. But I feel like the glue holding it ll together, pushing him every day, cheer leading, getting him to do stuff round the house, getting him on his bike for exercise, finding a good movie he likes to watch, sorting children back to school, food and all house stuff. He's so heavy & energy zapping, I am trying to be kind but my patience is running out. I get nothing from him without a huge prod/prompt from me. It's affecting me too FFS.

We are both looking for jobs, applying everyday, so it's only a matter of time til something/anything comes up. He's got loads of contacts which he could be utilising more, laterally thinking, making something happen. But he's doing nothing, des not even phone his mum or siter back. He's been referred for counselling but no ppt yet.

Help, I'm going to tip over the edge soon.

How long has he been like this ?

6 weeks plus, no improvement

Only been on anti d's for 3 weeks, been signed off from "work" for 4 weeks, but to me it's not a licence to do nothing, and I mean nothing at all with prompt from me over and over again

I totally understand your frustration - but have some feeling for him too. How badly was his confidence knocked over this stuff with his ex business partner? Has he completely lost faith in himself? I'm not saying it's an excuse to sit about doing feck all and needing to be told what to do every day, and he could be wallowing, but if his confidence is shattered then it could be hard for him to pick himself up, even with the ADs.

Hope the counselling appt comes through soon - sounds like he's in desperate need of it!

speak to rethink www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know

read www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154

set your boundaries

get a break - send him to his family for a weekend
you and dc go to yours without him

get ideas from the depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/ board

call gp every day and ask if there chance of cancellation appt with the counsellor.

Thumb witch - I have it's all we've talked for weeks and weeks, I have been emotionally supportive, in every which way, but I need some too, some ounce of support and reassurance, surely?

It's only been 6 weeks! It's not easy to find a job in this climate. It's a very heavy burden to be a sole earner, and losing his job I'm sure it's a huge blow to his ego. Depression is not something you can just snap out of.

Sorry, but you sound so unsympathetic about your DH's condition. Like you said, it's only a matter of time till something comes up.

It is frustrating, I understand this as I've been in your position. However, he's only been on the tablets for 3 weeks and they do sap your energy at first plus they can make you feel worse before you feel better. When I suffered depression, just getting up out of bed and getting dressed was a major achievement, and i saw it with my husband too when he suffered. It was like my limbs were made of lead. Give him some time, give him something tiny to achieve without pressure, even if it's only sorting a few socks, let him know that you are supportive and he will improve. Hide your frustration with him - I know it feels soul destroying and so frustrating and can make you feel so angry, I get that, but he will get better. xxx

FFS I thought you were going to say a year at least.
6 years my stbex lost his job and I've tried to support him through that.
If yours is a decent guy in every other way you've got to give him a chance.

The job thing and his behaviour has been going on for at least 8 months and it all came to ahead 6 - 8 weeks ago

He's been depressed for quite a while then and has only now managed to seek help. You really do need to have patience.

Just to give you hope, 5 years ago, my husband spent his days eating, barely washed, didn't do anything in the house bar feed the kids whilst I worked full time. He now has his own business and has been well for a long time. He has had 2 blocks of CBT and they have helped him enormously. he still uses the techniques today.

Grants - just realised that my tendency to leave the first person pronoun off my sentences made it look like I was suggesting that YOU should have some feeling for your partner too - I totally wasn't! I meant that I had some feeling for him. Argh! Must learn to type more clearly (I do actually talk like this as well, I type as I talk. )

Give the antidepressants time to work. Keep motivating him to exercise, not just on the bike but out of the house in the fresh air and sunshine. All of what you describe is depression - exercise, sunshine, tablets (and some counselling would help!) will improve this enormously. Depression is unbelievably shit. Trust me, frustrating as this is for you, you really wouldn't want to swap places.

Anti-depressants take at least a month to work, and sometimes the first type of drug doesn't. If it's citalopram it will be exacerbating the tiredness/sleeping/lack of energy. Sertraline is much better, venlafaxine better still. NHS short of cash, so usually start people on the energy sapping, sleep inducing citalopram (which kind of makes you so sleepy you don't feel your negative emotions cos you're asleep!).

Definitely depression from what I'm reading. Have hope op it will get better but its GOT to come from him. You won't be able to sit his job interviews for him. When my dh went through this, he also hit the bottle. It was an awful period which lasted 3 years when he was out of wWorking on startups which failed, he got fired once for reasons not of his own. He managed to get a lucky break, and did extremely well in one job. Then got headhunted and got a huge promotion And tripled his salary!!. What triggered it was a combination of luck and the realisation from dh that no one was gonna make it happen for him but he had to hit rock bottom. I screamed in his ear for 3 years to no avail so it's really limited what you can do other than making the choice to stick together and support him.