Do I say something?

[Trying2feelbetter]

NChanger.

I compulsively overeat. Through many sessions of counselling across the years I know this is to deal with the feeling of not feeling good enough, mainly linked to my emotionally unavailable/sometimes verbally nasty DF. I am still in close contact with him and DM and as a rational adult I can understand he is a product of his childhood, the he isn't just like it with me and that he does show his love in other ways.

Due to the overeating I have always struggled with my weight. Although actually I was a chubby child too. I am currently 6 stone overweight following a recent pregnancy.

My latest attempt to address my issues at an eating disorder place seems to be working and I have managed to loose over a stone since I dared to get on the scales post birth. However, it is a daily battle, I sense it probably always will be.

I have just received an email from my DM asking if I am still loosing weight/why I should as my DC could be teased about me etc. It was written with the best intentions and is kindly put however two things come to mind:

1)She has always been and still is overweight, it feels very the kettle calling the pot etc. As a child I recall thinking "I am ok as I am not as fat as mum", so clearly her weight issues did have an effect on me.

2)I have never talked to her (or DF) about the reason for my overeating, or actually the overeating itself but part of me feels angry that I am how I am thanks in part to my upbringing.

I feel like I want to tell her why I overeat but I am not really sure what she'll then do with that info. I am actually very close to her and don't want to upset up, nor do I want to have a discussion with DF about his behaviour. I generally avoid conflict and try to keep the peace. However, I know some of the overeating is about swallowing my feelings instead of dealing with them/the causes of them etc.

I am sitting here crying over this email.....

Any advice?

I don't think it will help to be seen as blaming your parents. (I'm not saying you are, but that is how it may come across.)
Why don't you talk this over with someone else first? I have heard that Overeaters Anonymous can be a great help, and people there might be able to give you the most helpful and relevant advice.

The pot is trying to look out for the kettle, as it were? Take her email in the spirit it is meant, and don't tell her why you overeat as I presume she's still with DF?

Well done on losing that first stone.

I'd probably let sleeping dogs lie TBH as I think you run the risk of setting yourself back if your words fall on deaf ears. You could find yourself transported right back to the child you once were where no one validates your POV.

If your mum was capable of really understanding where you are coming from, she'd probably have lost weight herself and/or left your father years ago. The fact that she's done neither of those things suggests very strongly that her state of denial is a state she's quite content to remain in. She'll find it far easier to believe that you eat too much because you have no impulse control than she will to believe your compulsion to overeat is a physical response to psychological hurt received as a result of her (and DF's) parenting.

She'll interpret this as blame and say you're lashing out at her because you're unhappy about your weight and want to hurt her rather than address the real cause. That will probably make you feel worse than ever and somehow guilty even when you've done nothing to feel guilty for.

One of the first steps to letting go of past hurt is to accept that quite often the people responsible for it are incapable of behaving in any other way. Then you can accept that it's about them, not about you.

Congratulations on your weight loss.

Are you still receiving counselling? Could you discuss how to address the subject with your parents with the counsellor?

I am wondering whether a brief factual note "I have been receiving treatment, I have lost a stone so far and everything is going well" is enough for now and then you talk to your mum from a position of strength some time in the future when you don't feel so raw.

Thanks all v much for your replies.

As much as I'd like to 'let rip' like you all say it probably isn't going to help. I am just hyper aware of my weight and also of passing on my habits/setting a bad role model for my DC so it is always on my mind. When she emails things like that all I read is "You are not good enough as you are fat" which I know is more about how I feel and not what she intended to convey.

sister unfortunately I am not in counselling at the mo, I am on SMP so there is just no spare cash. But your approach of being factual sounds like the way to go.

DH will be home later so he'll lend a sympathetic ear.

I really appreciate your feedback and thoughts. Thanks.

Only you are responsible for your own weight as an adult and it sounds a lot like you're trying to shift the blame on your parents. You might benefit from CBT; you can find some free material online. You could ask her not to mention your weight but as you say, she meant it kindly. Perhaps you could take up exercise or a diet plan with your DM?

I think she may know exactly how you feel about your weight, from her own personal experience. And is trying to help you, her DD, as best she can. That's what I meant by kettle looking out for pot. When people tell you things you already know, with the best intentions, it doesn't really help though does it?