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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think my exH is seriously ill - I'm really upset

23 replies

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 10:28

We've been apart for over 8 years. It was a co-dependant relationship. He drank too much from the beginning and by the end was a chronic alcoholic. He hardly worked all the years we were together and lost most jobs he did have when he'd be too hungover to get out of bed.

Since we separated, I've moved on. He hasn't. He hardly goes out, has never worked again and I think just worries he has enough money for drink every day. I have felt so sorry for him over all these years. I have felt so guilty for leaving him and not being able to save him.

I help him out with money when he needs and speak to him maybe once a month. We did have good times despite his addiction and but for that I still feel he was the love of my life. What upset me most at the time of separation was his unwillingness to do what he had to to save our marriage.

Now he has to me that he has some very worrying symptoms. He has promised to see the doctor this week. I've googled the symptoms and I'm devastated by what the search brought up.

I feel so selfish that I'm upset. And that maybe I've no right to be. What do you think?

OP posts:

TimidLivid · 03/09/2013 10:30

your not selfish you clearly still care about him very much. I hope he goes to the doctor. it isn't you fault you know and he is lucky that he still help him out and call him. I think it is natural to be upset that the person u consider the love of your life may be very ill. I hope its not as bad as you fear

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 10:37

Thanks for your reply Timid. I've posted here because no one in my life now knows I'm still in touch with him. They'd all think I was stupid to still help him when he put me through so much. You can imagine how it was......

OP posts:

TheUnsympathetic · 03/09/2013 10:43

I've just broken up with someone who I think will take the same path and I'm so upset. The thought of being in your position is horrifying and you're not selfish. It could have been different and it's completely understandable to be sad.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2013 10:44

I would argue you have not moved on at all.

It still is a codependent relationship and this is still an unhealthy one even though you are apart. You're still aiding and abetting him and its not working for you or he for that matter. You likely learnt how to be codependent a long time ago, perhaps in childhood.

You need to realise and accept that his primary relationship is with drink. You did not matter when you were together and you don't matter now. There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could go on to lose everything and still drink afterwards.

Helping out with money is not helping him at all; he sees you as a cash machine and a soft touch and you're doing that because you are still codependent and doing all this keeps you needed. How do you know he is not spending your cash you hand over on alcohol?. You are likely continuing to fund his alcoholism. He is using you as a listening ear as well probably because everyone else has got sick and tired of him.

He may well not go to the GPs either; he is not your problem any more but you continue to make him your project to rescue and or save. You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. You had history together and I can see why you are upset but he should not be anywhere near you any more because basically you are not good for each other, never have been and never will be.

You can only help your own self ultimately. I would suggest you start by reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and contact Al-anon.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/09/2013 10:47

Hello OP.

I don't think you are selfish at all and think you still care for your xdh very much. This is understandable, and the fact you help him so much is because you love and care about him.
Alcohol is a horrible disease, and you don't stop loving somebody because of this, even though you can't be a part of their life.
I hope it isn't as bad as you suspect and so sorry you are coping with this without rl support.
I don't have much experience of this but wanted to offer support. Please keep posting as there are very caring, supporting and knowledgeable people here.
Sending you a virtual hug and

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 10:50

But what if google is right Atilla? He has no one, and you're right, he's probably just burned his bridges. But am I to leave him to it? The suspected diagnosis may be terminal. How would I live with myself if I abandoned him now?

OP posts:

Stropzilla · 03/09/2013 10:54

You're a very caring person and so right to make him go to the dr. However please don't rely on dr Google. I googled my symptoms and the only thing that came up was alien abduction (which it wasn't. ......I don't think. ....) and I got told off by my Dr for trying to self diagnose. It's awful when alcoholism is responsible for keeping you apart from someone you love.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 10:55

Thanks for the book reference Attila, I know this about myself. I've ordered it off Amazon

OP posts:

TheUnsympathetic · 03/09/2013 10:56

Realistically you care deeply about him and that's not going to change. You will support him through his diagnosis and it will be very hard for you to see someone you love (even platonically) in pain. But it's his choices that have led him to this place - you are not to blame. It sounds like you feel guilty but you have done nothing wrong and need to remember that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2013 10:58

Why put so much faith in Dr Google?. He has not had any sort of firm medical diagnosis, all he has done is made some promise to you that he will go to the doctors this week. This man is responsible at the end of the day for his own health, if he won't go to the doctors (that is likely) then it is not down to you to make him attend a GP surgery. Nice of him as well - NOT - to tell you about his current problems; this just puts more worry and responsibility onto you. By doing this he absolves himself of all responsibility because you're carrying the can instead.

He chose and continues to choose alcohol over you and everything else; alcohol is truly a cruel mistress.

He uses you because he can and you allow him to do this due to your own co-dependency issues. Do not give him any more of your hard earned cash!.

The 3cs re alcoholism are again ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Stropzilla · 03/09/2013 10:59

Attila speaks wisdom. Giving him money isn't the best move. And if he isn't going to try to kick the booze I think Yes leave him to it, for your own sanity. You can only help people if they need it no matter how much you want to be there. Found that out the hard way its not worth it. Concentrate on yourself you say you've moved on but it doesn't sound like it.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 11:03

I try not to give him too much cash, maybe pay his elec or his rent when there's a hiccup with benefits. But this is something else I feel guilty about - that I've been helping him kill himself

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2013 11:14

Stop paying his electricity and or rent as of now. That is money down the drain and that money should be used instead on you and your needs.
This is not helping him at all, its certainly not helping you is it?.

Your enabling has not helped him kill himself; after all he is still alive and he is choosing alcohol above everything else. What enabling does is give you a false sense of control. He made a conscious choice to drink and he was likely on the road to alcoholism long before you actually met.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 11:18

Thanks Atilla, I'll read the book......

OP posts:

ageofgrandillusion · 03/09/2013 14:51

From reading this it seems to me that you have actually moved on OP and largely detached - being in contact with somebody once a month is hardly co-dependency. You loved guy once and cared greatly for him so it is very basic human nature that you should want to help him in whatever way you can, be it helping him out with bills now and again or whatever. Yes, he may spend that money on drink but he will find a way to kill himself with drink come what may. What you do or dont do give him really is neither here nor there so if it is something you feel is the right thing to do i would follow your instincts. I really wouldnt beat yourself up about it, just keep being a friend where you can, he may not be here much longer and it does sound as though you are the only one who has given him much support through his addiction.

Pawprint · 03/09/2013 15:18

I'm so sorry. You are bound to be upset. The cliche about not being able to help addicts until they help themselves is true.

You do have the right to be upset, of course you do.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 15:22

Thanks ageof I hadn't really been thinking I should stop supporting him until I read Atilla's post! I really am the only person who cares a jot about him. He has one friend who he sees rarely. His parents are dead and his brother and sister don't bother with him at all. I suppose thinking I might lose him (even though I'm only in touch once a month. I know he's still there IYKWIM) has brought back a lot of memories and I'm so sad it has turned out this way.

OP posts:

ageofgrandillusion · 03/09/2013 16:05

Well i gues you do what you need to do or what feels right OP. I've had a not dissimilar situation, and am glad i remained supportive to the end.

stepmooster · 03/09/2013 16:24

OP, my mother died young due to alcoholism. None of us could save her, we enabled her for years and then one by one her family stopped 'helping' her because it wasn't really helping her at all. Her sister did remain in contact with her but only when she was sober.

She was quite abusive when drunk and I had to go no contact myself. Plus I couldn't watch her drink herself to death.

You cannot save an alcoholic they can only save themselves. Some like my mother refused all help that was offered her by professionals. She knew the likely outcome. In truth the people we care about who are alcoholics love the bottle more than they love us/their lives.

If you can accept all that like my aunt could and still remain in contact (no money handouts and only when sober) then by all means you can still be there for him as a friend.

However if like me you are a sensitive soul, its best to walk away and accept as I did that one day you will hear some bad news and prepare yourself for this.

I told myself my mother when well would have wanted me to move on with my life and not waste my life caught up in her alcoholism (which left me deeply depressed and suicidal). I am sure your ex would want the same for you.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 03/09/2013 16:39

Thank you for these kind comments. I will do what I feel is right. I'm going to call him after he has been to the doc tomorrow. If it turns out he is ok, I feel I should get more involved in trying to get him to stop while there's time to reverse the damage. But you are so right stepmooster. I'm a bit like your aunt, if I reinvolve myself to a greater degree, I'll be back to the emotional mess I was before I finally took the decision to leave him in the first place.

OP posts:

Original poster

ivmessedup · 05/09/2013 00:44

He went to the doc today. This is good, normally misses appts for everything. Doc was apparently quite upbeat and said lump maybe due to a major op 10 yrs ago. Glad he has been and hanging onto those positive words.

Now to wait an appt for MRI/ X-ray

OP posts:

dolcelatte · 05/09/2013 08:48

So pleased that the outcome may be better than you think. And don't be downcast by all the negatives on here. Lots of people can and do overcome addictions, including alcoholism. He is lucky to have your support!

Lemonylemon · 05/09/2013 09:18

OP: My Mum was pretty much at death's door 3 years ago. I could give you a long list of her symptoms, but that's beside the point. 9 months into her treatment, I was told by our GP that she had about 6 months (ball park figure) to live. She's still with us, she's quite well, stopped drinking about 2 years ago and is on AD's (amongst other things) and her mental outlook is much improved.

My GP, the consultant and hospice nurse have all said that she has confounded everyone by her recovery.

However, the emotional toll on my siblings and myself has been immense. My sister (the golden child) has more or less washed her hands of my mum because my mum won't do what my sister tells her to. My brother has detached emotionally as well and doesn't see so much of my mum. Me? Well, I've had my fair share of tragedies (ie. deaths of people) so I've toughened up a bit and don't get caught up in the emotional stuff. That is the key. You must keep your emotions well protected.

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