Toxic mum (and advice to reassure adopted DS)

[2starsandawish]

Hi, I have been reading MN for awhile but this is my first post. Sorry if it's long.

Background: I have 4 DCs. DS2 is adopted. He has lived with us since he was 2 and he knows he is adopted. He is now 6. I also have DD1 (9) DS1 (7) and DS3 who I had 3 weeks ago. We were worried about DS2 because he is the baby of the family but he loves his new brother and he is very excited.

My mum can get a bit jealous. She is also very opinionated. However she always says that she loves being a GM and she seems to love my DCs.

Anyway... My mum turned up today (unannounced as usual) My DCs were drawing by the table my mum asked what they were doing and DS2 said that he was doing a picture for his little brother. My mum said 'DS3 isn't YOUR little brother' I said 'Don't be silly mum of course DS3 is his little brother because DS2 is a part of our family' My mum just looked at me and walked off.

DS2 then got his homework out to show DH (who had just come home from work) He had to write about something that happened on his holidays. He wrote about DS3 being born. My mum said 'why didn't you do that at the beginning of the holiday?' DS2 explained that DS3 wasn't born then and my mum told him to 'stop back-chatting' then she turned the TV up.

DH went to drop the DCs off at PILs house and I was feeding DS3 in the living room. My mum started going on about the disadvantage DS3 would have in school and I should of planned it so he wasn't born in August. (DS3 wasn't planned but I didn't want to tell her that) I just said that we would cross that bridge when we came to it.

DH got back and was asking about my day and my mum kept cutting in asking when the DCs were coming back. DH then went to the corner shop and I was carrying DS3 and my mum grabbed him by the leg. I told her to get off which she did and I told her never to do that again.

She flipped and started shouting that I was an unfit mother and I didn't deserve my children because I loved DS2 more and she hated me as a child and I was still fat after having DS3 and just awful stuff.
DH got back and saw her and told her to get out she pushed down on my C-section scar and spat at DS3 and left.

I am gutted she has since called our house phone and left a message saying it was because she was jealous because PILs had looked after the DCs whilst I was in hospital.

I don't want to see her ever again but I am not sure how she will react and this will cause a massive family row.
Also DS2 has come home and is upset because my mum said that DS3 wasn't his brother. I explained that she was wrong and she didn't understand. But he is still upset. SO does anyone know how to reassure him at all because it breaks my heart to see him so upset.

Sorry I am mostly just venting but I was so shocked she hasn't done anything like that since I was 13 years old. If anyone has any advice feel free to comment.

[RegTheMonkey]

She spat. At a baby. She spat at a 3 week old baby! Even just this one single act is enough to show she's deranged. Then to try and hurt you on a surgical scar - her own daughter. I am beyond amazed and bewildered by this behaviour.
I think you sound like a wonderful mother and your DS2 is part of a lovely family. You are doing the right things, keeping him involved with the new baby, praising him for being a brilliant big brother.
As for your mother. Me? I'd never see or speak to her again. Ever. She spat at your baby!

[FondantNancy]

She is poisonous and deranged. PLEASE don't let her near your children again. She deliberately physically hurt you and spat at your baby?

[Buswanker]

Do not let her anywhere near you or your children ever again, threaten to and go to the police if necessary.
Your adopted child is your child and should be treated as such, and should be loved by everyone in his family.
Her behaviour is unacceptable to you and your children.

[Mumsyblouse]

Any one of these things would mean I wouldn't let her in the house again (I can't imagine my mother or even my rather difficult MIL doing any of them)- all together, and she's out I'm afraid.

She hurt you, spat at a baby, insulted your husband and told your dear son he didn't have a brother.

I wouldn't excuse this. And in some ways, that's the best for your whole family anyway.

[deXavia]

Your poor DS. I don't know much about adoption but I do have my own 6 year old DS who had a few problems to deal wit. We got into the habit of a small walk every weekend usually just to go get the papers, or something trivial but we did it every weekend and if we forgot we'd squeeze it in on sunday evening to "see if we could spot a star". I know it will be so difficult with the other kids and such a new baby but please try to find some time for him over the next few weeks. In my experience 6year old boys sometimes need a bit of time to let hurtful things come out.
As for your mother I would never wish to speak to her again, but I get how family pressures etc make that hard and maybe you don't need that stress just at the moment. I agree with the poster who said cut off contact for now - you have different priorities. If and when you decide to remake contact you can choose the timing. But that might be less stressful and less likely to cause a scene than and out and out "forever"

[RegTheMonkey]

Just wondering how you were feeling now OP?