NC'ed for obvious reasons. Its long and yet its only scratching the surface.
I have a messed up narcissistic family, for most of my life I have been the black sheep, hugely under confident, deeply unhappy and felt it was always me and my fault for not fitting in. Significant scarring from self harming as a teenager, one overdose at 17. I was the butt of every joke since I was a child, the one who was too tall, too fat, too stupid etc etc. My mother was physically abusive towards me (never my sister) as a child, other family members saw but nobody stopped her - my absolutely beloved father died when I was started A levels - I left home at 18 and have never returned although foolishly moved very close to family a few years ago seeking help with my disabled DC1.
I have had counselling since the beginning of 2011 because of being unable to deal with my first child being brain injured during a horrendous labour. As part of this counselling it became apparent that I was depressed, overwhelmed and in a negative abusive relationship with my mother and my sister. My expectations of them being nice and treating me like they treated each other were quite honestly unrealistic and no matter how I attempted to mould myself it was never ever good enough.
During 2012 I reduced contact with my younger sister, she was deeply unpleasant to me on a number of occasions, refused to listen at all when it came to my child and eventually I simply stopped making an effort. I sat and explained to my mother in late 2012 that i was tired of being spoken to and treated the way I was, that I felt some form of mediation/family counselling would help and my mother agreed - going so far in fact as to say that my solution seemed fair and amicable. I asked my mother to come along to at least one session and she agreed - I knew full well she was the cause of the way my sister has learnt to treat me and wanted her exposed as such and to hear it from both of us. Another element of the frustration was my sister constantly asking to 'help' with DC1 but never being free, or always being unavailable, she didn't acknowledge my recent pregnancy because I hadn't sent her a birthday card.
In March this year (2013) when 5 months pregnant with a much wanted and much loved rainbow baby my mother over stepped the line by ranting at me and applying significant EA in a phone call to the extent where I was almost sick - flashback to six years old again and terrified, I went cold turkey and no contact. Although I sobbed my heart out at the time since then I have never been happier and my relationship with my husband and DC1 (cerebral palsy, seizures & development delay) has gone from strength to strength in that time.
I have reiterated to various family members that I was happy to attend mediation in a neutral environment but a few weeks ago the emails began. First one from a friend of my mothers suggesting very critically that I was a little old for such sibling rivalry and stating that I had to allow my mother access to 'see the kids' and enable my sister to look after the children for 30min sessions while I went to the shop. I have taken legal advice re the access, and having spoken to my HV been informed that to leave a child with a seizure disorder in the care of someone who doesn't know them or their meds or who wouldn't listen to how to give them (my sister always knows best) would be failing to look after them.
Then another email from mother requesting she take my DC1 out for a bit for their 3rd birthday - I said no. Then a beautifully composed, positively dripping with BS sentiments arrived from my sister begging not to keep up this bizarre behaviour - that she just wanted aunty 1-2-1 time with her beautiful wonderful nieces. The ones she couldn't be asked to see or even acknowledge. Then several ranty emails from my mother about my terrible behaviour impacting on my children.
I foolishly replied to both emails explaining I wasn't going to be spoken to that way ever again, and both of course replied with more vitriol.
Why do I care?
Well I don't - but the wider family has now become involved and we have been uninvited from a number of events, the pressure it on to 'solve' these issues. Ultimately nobody can turn the clock back, my pregnancy was exhausting and frightening and I was ill afterwards. I am now suffering from clinical depression (not PND) caused by the family stress and the events surrounding my first childs birth. But I am once again being painted as the (very) unreasonable awful slightly unhinged nut case and the one cousin who has been supportive is now withdrawing their support. I should add I haven't ever bitched about these family members - I have just accepted I cannot change peoples behaviour only my expectation.
I am being pushed very hard, railroaded into fixing the issues, I suspect not so that they can see me but so that they can see my DC1, its clearly becoming embarrassing that they haven't met 3mo DC2. But I think the issues are insurmountable - three decades of abuse and narcissistic behaviour can't be switched off - I hurt more and more each time I think how much of my life I wasted listening to them tell me I was a failure.
This is impacting on my ability to get well mentally and look after my children - so many years of hurt and pain are rising to the surface every time I close my eyes.