Abuse survivors - how do you handle the anger/rage day to day?

[Lottapianos]

I'm coming to terms with an emotionally abusive childhood caused by two narcissistic parents. I'm having weekly psychotherapy and have done for 3 years now - it's helping so much but I'm at the point where I'm feeling absolutely loads of anger and sometimes pure rage. Little everyday things set me off - rudeness, people being loud and obnoxious in public, being ignored by sales people. I don't act on my anger but it does bring on panic attacks sometimes. Not just the trivial thing itself, but it acts as a trigger for the volcanic anger I feel inside, and it comes out through a panic attack.

It's exhausting and a bit scary. I know that I need to feel what I'm feeling and stop trying to shove it away like I have done all my life. I would like to get to the point where other people's bad behaviour doesn't make me so angry, where I can just dismiss it as their bad behaviour and not take it so personally. I would really value other people's experience of dealing with anger, especially misplaced anger

Thanks

Do you see a lot of your parents? I found the rage declined to a resigned disappointment once I established some firm boundaries. Instead of DM popping in unannounced 4/5 times a week I insisted she ring every time and only see her 1 or two times now. It gave me the space to heal and allowed me to see that, yes, she has failed me as a parent, but she did the best with the tools she had available. Her childhood was rubbish too and although I have manned to break the cycle of abusive/neglectful behaviour some people don't have it in them to admit that life isn't quite right and that they can change things if they choose. I pity her now rather than hate, so I suppose that's progress!

Sorry if none of this is relevant!

Excise typos.

Seriously!

at the typos!

No, I don't see them very often at all, they live in another country. I speak to them on the phone every 4-6 weeks, with an occasional text in between. Through therapy, I am feeling a lot of anger that I had to suppress for years and years, because my parents could never ever be challenged, and I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings anyway.

Pity rather than hate sounds much less exhausting!

Do watch that your anger is directed where it belongs: salespeople etc, as I think you sense, may be triggering historical anger, rather than anger that they deserve iyswim. Therapy is your outlet for that historical anger. In the beginning, when I had just understood how much my parents had fucked me up for their own selfish reasons, I also threw plates at my garden wall and did a lot of running to release the pent-up energy in a physical way that harmed no-one.

You will eventually reach the state of emotional detachment, but until that time, your anger will have to be experienced (safely), and acknowledged (in therapy, since no narc parent will do you the favour of acknowledging your feelings...), before you can ultimately let it go.

Good luck, you'll get there!

'You will eventually reach the state of emotional detachment'

I hope so, HotDAMN, I really do. I feel such strong anger, I sometimes think about being physically violent with people, and what a sense of release it would bring. That is quickly followed by thinking through exactly what would happen to me were I to hurt someone else like that, and how dreadful the consequences would be both for me and that person. So I'm not going to do it! I've also have had strong impulses to self-harm but have never acted on those either.

I wouldnt' dream of sharing any of this with my parents. I keep it for therapy and for people I know I can trust like my DP and best mate. And supportive MNers

I have an abusve family I am NC with, and also had a very abusive relationship with DD's Dad. As part of my therapy, I had EMDR which helped me massively.

I still get incandescent about inconsiderate drivers, too much noise, random things in shops. I think it's because it's a safe way to feel anger, which was much too risky for us as kids.

I'm working on being appropriately assertive, which is very difficult when you have a fucked up background. For example, yesterday I went round to the students who have moved in opposite because they had their music blaring out. The girl at the door was mortified, and apologised. It was polite, friendly and non-confrontational. Bizarrely normal. Try it!

Dealing with anger: Exercise helped me a lot - fast walks, lots of them. And cleaning - I think clearing things out and cleaning helped me feel I could improve my life, or something like that. So I did lots of it; windows, basement, closets, etc. etc. and gardening. I had so much angry energy.

Counseling was great, with a counselor who challenged me when I needed it! And she worked with me on assertiveness, so I could stand up for myself in an honest, non-confrontational way (with some people you DO have to be confrontational, but maybe not sales clerks) I think I could use the counseling again, but at some point we both agreed I was doing "well enough" and didn't need to keep coming.

Good luck!! And don't give up on yourself.

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling calmer this week. Whenever something trivial makes me angry (rude salespeople etc), I feel angry, acknowledge it, then try to use my 'nurturing' voice to remind myself that is is nothing personal and actually their rudeness doesn't impact on my life in any great way. That feels quite soothing.

You're right about cleaning and clearing out MNiscold. We're moving house in the next couple of months and I have been clearing out loads of stuff already, in particular 'sentimental' stuff that I actually never look at. Having less clutter around me is helping to reduce my anxiety levels and oddly, helping me to feel that I live more in the present rather than the past.