How do I not care about what mil thinks?

[louloutheshamed]

I am 38 weeks pg with dc2. 2 weeks ago I was admitted into hospital with placenta praevia. I stayed for 4 days but they rescanned me and then said it had
moved so I could leave, but in the meantime I was booked in for cs, so it was a bit of head spinner but obv I was pleased to get out. During my time In hospital I didn't hear at all from pils, not a text or anything, though dh says he kept them updated. Yesterday we invited them
For Sunday lunch ad I saw them for the first time Since being discharged, and mil barely spoke to me. She made No reference to my hospital stay, didn't ask me how I was, barely acknowledged me or the baby.

A few days earlier I had posted A cute pic on fb of my ds who had cuddled Into me and fallen asleep using my bump as a pillow, which has never happened before. He is in the process of dropping his nap, and one of the few conversations mil had with me yesterday was about the pic- what time was it taken, why wasn't he napping in the bed or pushchair, I shouldn't get in the habit of letting him sleep on me as I'd get nothing done. I felt like I was being interrogated.

I feel like as the arrival of dc2 approaches i am getting all anxious about mil again. I have nc since then but 2.5 yrs ago when I had ds I felt completely undermined by Mil's Comments and criticisms Of me and my parenting. Usual mil stuff about bf too often/ for
too long, cuddling too much, not in a routine soon enough ad nauseam. But the worst bit was that she was staying at our House the night we brought ds home from hospital and when he was crying in the middle Of the night she came into our room and took him from me. I don't think I have ever quite gotten over it and am still Cross at myself for letting it happen.

I had hoped that second time
Round I would be more Confident in my choices and info think I will be better at letting any comments wash over me, especially as I feel those choices have been vindicated by ds who is amazing, but I can still feel this anxiety about mil coming back. I wish I just didn't care what she thought of me and my parenting- how Do I get to to that place??

You have to remember that no matter what you do, someone will always criticise your decisions.

Ignore her. You are doing just fine. Some people just enjoy making others feel inadequate. You are not inadequate and I am fairly sure if you said something the next couple of times she made comments she would cease to criticise.

There is the off chance that she may genuinely think she is helping you, but not know the correct way to convey her help without it seeming like a criticism.

Where does your DH figure in all this, loulou ? Have you discussed his mother's behaviour with him?

I told dh last night that I was upset about it, but then i felt bad as he is amazingly supportive of me and and I know it must be hard for him to hear me moaning about his mum as they have a good relationship.

He would never confront his mum about it but I was pleased the other week when he told them we
Didn't want anyone else at home when we return from
Hospital for the first time and we just want it to be the 4 of us when we introduce ds to the baby as I was worried they would want to be around as they can be intrusive in this respect, or at least they were
Last time.

He says they are just a bit rubbish at giving emotional support, but they are v good at more Practical things,eg mil will volunteer to help with housework when she comes over (I try not
To take this as a Slight on my homemaking skills!) etc. they are
Also v wealthy and generous financially. We have never asked them for any money ever but they gave us money as a
Gift to buy something for new baby. I always feel slightly uncomfortable with this as I think it makes
Us Sort of beholden to them but dh says We Should accept it with good
Grace. But their solution is always to throw money at things which I find a
bit odd. They are quite controlling and sometimes I think they want to feel like we are Dependent on them.

Your concerns re his parents are not at all unfounded.

The problem here quite apart from your MIL is your DH. He is coming across as spineless and like many men simply tries to pour oil on troubled waters. His excuses re them are just that. Also some of these men cannot or will not see what their mother is doing.

He needs to realise that his primary loyalty is now to his own family unit i.e the one he created with you, not his mother. Some men do find it almost impossible to stand up to their interfering mother because of inbuilt conditioning, he's had a lifetime of their behaviour so regards what they do as "normal".

You do not mention FIL in all this, is he still around?.

BTW such people like his parents do not change. You are going to have to raise your own boundaries with these people a lot higher than they are currently because they are currently way too low. Your H will likely not do this so you need to. You will need to pull them up every single time, your DH won't do that either.

I would certainly not accept any more money from them, this as you say keeps you obligated or feeling obligated to them. Also money can be used as a further means of controlling you as a couple.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as a starting point to further understand the dynamics.

Ok.

It is hard to accept that dh is being spineless as he really is a wonderfully supportive husband, but this has always been an odd aspect of our relationship as I know how much he would struggle
To confront them. They have never had crossed Words in the 13 years I have known them. I think my own relationship with my parents is more
Healthy- they are More Relaxed, less Judgmental, less controlling we do have disagreements but we resolve them and I know my loyalty is ultimately to dh and ds, even though I would Find it hard to hear dh criticise
Them, but he has never really had
cause to.

Fil is very much on the scene. He is
Probably the most controlling one tbh. It is a v traditional set
Up, mil Not Having worked Since having ds 31 yrs Ago, and I sense They find it odd that i work ft, ESP as
I could Take advantage of their financial position and not work. But I hate the idea not having that independence. They are
Much more Approving of their other dil Who is sahm, perhaps because
She validates Mil's own decision.

Fil is also v Controlling in domestic sphere, one of those show-offy cheffy male types, has final day over decor
Etc, and mil little status, and I don't know if that impacts on how she is with me.

Thank you for the advice.

I know Viking. I think now the thing I find odd is that in many ways they are distant but then it was ok for her to do something so intimate and intrusive.

Dh thinks she genuinely thought she was being helpful.

Funnily enough dh has just said Mil's ears Must be burning as she had left
Him a Voicemail asking how I am. Not sure why she couldn't have asked me in person yesterday..?