WWYD? Grandparent related.

[DaleyBump]

My gran isn't a nice person. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I don't like her. She's very racist (we're white) and when I mention it to her she just says (for example, when calling someone by a racist name) "oh that's just what I call them. They call themselves that, why can't I call them it too?" We've had a good few arguments about this over the years and she is openly racist around me all the time because she knows how much I detest it. She also likes to point out people of a different ethnicity (is that the right word?) and try and discuss them, loudly, with me. As in "oh look at their colour! I wonder where they're from? Are they a ?" Arguing with her has got me nowhere, as has speaking to her nicely and reasoning with her. She just doesn't care. She's now getting on a bit and has had a couple of health scares in the last year so I really don't want to get into another argument with her about it. I now just ignore her when she uses racist language around me.

My main problem is that I'm expecting a son in November. I really, really don't want him exposed to this kind of behaviour but bringing it up only means that a huge argument will take place. I don't want to cut her out, we (kind of) get along most of the time and I see her regularly as she stays at my mum's house (five minutes up the road) for two days a week and I know she'll really love having a great-grandson as it'll be her first great-grandchild and I do want them to have a relationship. I just don't know how to get around the fact that she's a big racist. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

This probably seems really silly, sorry for the long post.

She's a racist. You can't change her. You want your child to have a relationship with her.

So as far as I can see, the only solution is to allow them to develop a grandparent/grandchild relationship but educate him to know better.

If that means reprimanding g-granny in front of him, then so be it. Backed up with private chats about how granny says nasty things sometimes, and that it's not big or clever to copy her.

The thing is, I'm worrying that he'll grow up thinking it's normal and not offensive to use those kinds of words - that's the way she tries to excuse herself. It's concerning me that he won't see it as being nasty because she pretends she's being all nice when she does it.

Exactly what Charity said. Your child won't think it's normal if you constantly reinforce the fact that it's wrong. Pull her up on it EVERY time, even if you know it'll cause an argument.

He/she will hopefully be learning from you, your DH, other relatives, teachers etc etc how we should treat people. Your gran's input is only a small part of a whole.

I know it may sound extreme, but have you tried the swearing method?

Is your gran someone who would shudder at swear words being used?

If so then next time she uses a word that is unacceptable to you, you say something along the lines of "that's not fucking ok".

You explain that to you she is using much worse language, if she can't respect your wishes not to be offended by vile words, then you won't respect hers.

I know someone on here used "cunt" to train a gran. They struck a deal to respect each other.

She probably has no clue how disgusting it is. Show her.

Children repeat everything when small. I wouldn't be happy with them even having the words in their vocabulary before they are mature enough to know not to use them.

She ignores me if I swear around her. That's exactly what I'm worried about though, that he'll have those words in his vocabulary and think it's okay to use them.

Daley, she could control it if she wanted to. She chooses to ignore the fact that her racism is offensive to you.

Give her the choice, she can be around her great grandchild as long as she never uses such language. You wouldn't tolerate an adult saying "cunt" in front of your dc, so you don't tolerate an adult saying something a thousand times more offensive.

I know she does. Thank you, I think that's just what I'll have to do.

Sadly it's much easier to say than to do. Hopefully it'll all work out. Once baby's here maybe that'll be her only topic. It'll be quite a while before baby can understand, so there's plenty of time to see how it goes.

Daley, look at it this way - she has used racist language around you your whole life and YOU aren't racist, YOU don't use racist words because you think they are acceptable. So it doesn't follow that your son will pick up on it. He won't be spending large, long periods of time with her, I'm guessing, and kids aren't that bothered about great-grandparents on the whole. Plus, and I don't want to upset you, if she's elderly and in poor health as you describe, she might not be around long enough for this to become a real issue, sorry.

I do feel for you though. I loathe racism, and am not of the opinion that you ignore it in old folk just because that's what was normal in ye olden days. I think TheCrunch has it right - if she says something racist in front of your child, you leave. E.v.e.r.y. S.i.n.g.l.e. t.i.m.e.

In fact, you should start doing that technique on her now, whilst you are pregnant. Tell her, Gran, I love you very much, but I am not going to tolerate your racism anymore. Every time you say something racist, I am going to leave or ask you to leave.

I had a racist old relative (one of those you call Uncle, but he's not and you don't quite understand how you're related!) when I was younger (they died in my teens). I told them that they were being racist, that it was disgusting, that it made them look ignorant, nasty and thick, and that what they were saying was illogical and obviously not true (comments about certains races smelling, or being less intelligent, etc.). I used to get told off by other relatives for being disrespectful, or rocking the boat, but I just kept saying that the person creating the problem was the racist, and if they stopped being racist, there's be no awkward situation.

I finally got through to him by talking about WWII, which he had fought in - I pointed out that it was racism like his that had led to the Holocaust, and that it made no sense that he had fought Hitler when he thought like him. If your Gran was alive during the war, and mentions it, try pointing out that by being racist, she's aligning herself with Hitler. I've used this point to a couple of other racist old people in the past, and they do seem to get it.