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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world is falling apart

45 replies

tri10 · 01/09/2013 23:01

I don't know what to do, my husband said there was an emergency at work Friday night and would be late home but didn't know when he would finish. Thought nothing of it, but the following morning I looked at his messages and there was lots about meeting up with some guy( I wasn't looking as I was suspicious I'm just a bit of a nosy Parker Confused) didn't get to see the rest of the messages just the meeting bit as he came back in and I couldn't believe what I'd read. Yesterday I just denied it to myself and carried on as normal,I checked his phone this morning and the messages have been deleted but the history is there I googled the name and town and it gay hook up sight today I have been a bit teary and he hasn't asked why but managed to pull it together to go to his mums for dinner.

We came sat on the sofa in silence and then I came to bed. I text him half an hour ago saying I know he lied and can he sleep on sofa I know how cowardly that is but I can't bear it..but no response.

We have 2 children aged 1&4. I can't through him out as he needs to look after them tomorrow while I'm at work.

I just want to pretend it isn't happening.....

OP posts:
motownmover · 01/09/2013 23:03

No advice to offer but I am really sorry for what you are going through.

Catwoman12 · 01/09/2013 23:09

Oh god tri, how horrible for you, I hope your okSadThanks

You really need to confront him, ask him outright, you will know if he is lying...

Did he text back once you told him to sleep on the sofa? Have you spoken to him since?

Hand holding x

Original poster
tri10 · 01/09/2013 23:15

Still no reply, I just can't face comfronting him I wanted him to coming running upstairs to try and explain or at least apologise but nothing.

I just want to hug my 4 year old but I can't risk waking her.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 23:17

That's really horrible. Did you ever think he was interested in men?

Original poster
tri10 · 01/09/2013 23:19

No not all, he looks a bit stereotypical no first meeting. He was always very into boobs etc.

OP posts:
Doha · 01/09/2013 23:19

You won't sleep tonight without confronting him tho will you.
I don't think he can explain this away and his silence alone speaks volumes. Go down stairs and ask him for the truth-he has one chance to tell you everything (don't admit how much/little you know).

Walkacrossthesand · 01/09/2013 23:22

He's probably sitting downstairs bricking it. Do you feel strong enough to do as Doha suggests?

Yseulte · 01/09/2013 23:22

You poor thing OP. I can understand why you confronted him by text, as its a really difficult thing to face to face, more than if it were a woman. Xxx

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 23:24

I think Doha's right, that you won't sleep without discussing it with him. The problem if you leave it until tomorrow is that he has more time to get his story straight.

You are in shock so don't make any decisions now. Be prepared for the physical reaction of shock to be with you for quite a while.

As Doha says, go down and ask him for the truth - tell him (and mean it) that he has just one chance to tell you the truth.

Yseulte · 01/09/2013 23:32

The fact he didn't come running is an answer in itself. If it wasn't true he would have come immediately. (Unless he's fallen asleep)

Catwoman12 · 01/09/2013 23:49

Agree with previous posters, waiting until tomorrow will only give him time to get his story straight...

Sending my love OP, x

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 01/09/2013 23:49

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

No practical advice but I think you ultimately need to talk to him and find out the truth.

It will eat you up inside if you don't find out.

skyeskyeskye · 02/09/2013 00:01

So sorry you are going through this. You do need to talk to him or it will just eat you up. I would imagine he will lie through his teeth so you need to think about what happens next but if he is hooking up with other men then you can't carry on living a lie. He could also be putting your health at risk.

Original poster
tri10 · 02/09/2013 00:20

I heard him putting the dog to bed so I thought that's it he doesn't have the guts to talk to me, but then he appeared upstairs..... Hadn't seen the text. So I guess that was better, he stood there for a bit.....

Apparently it's my fault, as we hardly ever have sex ...... This is probably true but he works shifts so we hardly ever go to bed at the same time. He said it was the first time etc

He had deleted all his texts (but he has always done this) but you could see in his phone history that the messages had been sent, there was a few more dodgy contacts when I asked about them he said he hadn't text them but you could see 18 messages had been sent. But he is adamant that this is the first time he met anyone.

He said he not gay it was just easier to meet a bloke for that kind of thing...he says they didn't have sex the other guy gave him a blowjob that's all....

I don't know what to do, he's got the kids mon &tues while I'm at work so I'm a bit stuck

OP posts:
pennefab · 02/09/2013 01:29

If he's engaging in any extra marital activities, you need to ensure your physical safety - insist that both he and you get tested for any and all stds.

Then you need to decide what is best for you and your DC. Can you live with the deception on his part and breaking vows? What support do you have in RL?

What he did was not harmless. He lied to you, sought sex (bj is sexual activity) with someone other than you, then tried to minimize the encounter.

Deep breathing and think hard about whether this is relationship that is in your best interest to salvage.

pennefab · 02/09/2013 01:32

And regardless of what you decide about your relationship - he still has responsibilities to DC. Of course he should be watching them while you're at work. That doesn't change.

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 02:13

Straight men dont want blow jobs from other men, they just dont.

And even if they do, cheating is cheating regardless of the genders involved.

DaleyBump · 02/09/2013 02:17

No advice but so sorry you're going through this Flowers

WhiteandGreen · 02/09/2013 02:17

Easier to get a blow job from a man?

CharityFunDay · 02/09/2013 04:33

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'" as they say in Arkansas.

In penetrative terms, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. In non-penetrative terms, I stopped being a virgin at 16.

Looks like you've got a bisexual husband on your hands. A serious chat is needed.

OTOH if he is a late-developing gay man, then a friendly divorce is probably best.

Hugs to you you've been put in an awful position by your man. If it's any consolation, he probably feels like shit too or at least he should do.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 02/09/2013 05:44

I really feel for you. This must be an incredible shock. Thinking about it now, did you have an inkling prior to discovery or did anything happen before that makes you think he could have done this before?

Obviously you will have to see how you feel this morning but I am wondering whether you can get some rl support today and perhaps get some time to take this in rather than going to work.

I think your partner's reaction was extremely out of order tbh. He has pushed the blame onto you and brushed the issue aside. That is appalling imo.

mummytime · 02/09/2013 05:52

Some of this is a classic part of "The Script".
"It's your fault because we didn't have enough sex."
And "It wasn't full sex."
And "It was the first time."

Please get an STI check. Get him to give you space to think. Look for some specialist counselling to help you think. (Maybe suggest he seeks the same.)

You can survive this.

Doha · 02/09/2013 08:41

It wasn't the first time you can be sure of that.
As per the script-it was your fault, you made him do it--classic
He is a liar and a cheat
Most likely he is bisexual.
You need an STI check
He needs a dose of reality.
Can you take a few days off work, go to GP and get your DH out the house. Your DH needs to give you the truth, not some convoluted version of events and then you need time and space to see if you can get over this.
Please get some RL support
Your DH is not the man you think he is if he ever was.
Perhaps try to get an appointment for some legal advice--it's never to soon to get your ducks lined up in a row. Knowledge in this case is power

Catwoman12 · 02/09/2013 11:29

How are you feeling today OP? X

Original poster
tri10 · 02/09/2013 11:51

I was ok this morning have come into work. he has text me saying my four year old told him I said I didn't love him Hmm the blame seems to be being completely pushed onto me. I'm just so cross I don't want to talk to anyone is real life as I was sort of hoping we could get through it buy im not sure now.

OP posts: