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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH resents it when I'm not doing any housework

21 replies

choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:07

Tonight I was feeling very tired and after both DCs had gone to bed I went to bed and laid down for awhile. DH made some snide comment about how laying down won't make me less tired and maybe I'll graduate to standing up soon if I feel better Hmm. He was on the computer while I was having a lay down.

I have not sat down all day being with the DCs and this is normal for parents with small dcs I know. I cook 3 meals a day normally and do tidying up and sorting stuff throughout the day as well as looking after dc. DH does do a lot of housework too and looking after dc, so I'm not saying he is lazy or anything. But he really seems to resent it when I have any time off. Yesterday he had the whole day to himself while I took the dcs to the zoo. A 4hr round trip on train and bus plus 5 hours in the zoo walking around which is probably why I'm so tired today.

I hate the atmosphere at home. He upsets me by making these remarks. He can be so patronising a lot of the time. We have been together for 13 years and I don't feel like I love or fancy him anymore. What do you do in this situation? I'm not totally innocent as I do have a quick temper and do react aggressively to what he says sometimes. Although much less than I used to as now I mostly feel sad and upset and alone and can't be botheredto reason with him anymore.

He thinks he is always right, nothing is ever his fault. If I point out something he's done, he will bring up something I have done( like leave my make up on the side - he hates it- always putting it away , or my clothes that have fallen on the wardrobe floor)

On paper he is the perfect husband. Does housework, spends time with dcs, brings in money( as do I), good with money and dont question my spending, never cheated on me not even a hint of it, says I'm beautiful etc although he is not physically that affectionate unless it's sex. Like when I asked him yesterday if he could massage my feet abit as they were aching after a llong day of walking. He refused saying he wanted to concentrate on watching a film.
Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Leverette · 01/09/2013 22:09

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SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2013 22:13

He considers you his inferior. It's not possible to change a man who thinks like this about women. Get rid.

Viking1 · 01/09/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:17

Really Leberett? He thinks he is so perfect that he'd have the shock of his life if I say I'm leaving him.

The main problem is that I don't fancy him anymore and him saying these snidey comments makes me not even like him anymore.

I do have my faults too though. He probably has a long list of things he doesn't like about me either.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 01/09/2013 22:20

Being a spouse isn't a job that you can "qualify" for by being "good on paper" it's a living active relationship that needs to work for both partners. Otherwise it's a pointless waste of time. If it's not working for you then see if you can make it work (I'm thinking not in this case) and if not get out of it.

sooperdooper · 01/09/2013 22:21

If my DH made a comment like that I'd tell him to get off his arse and do whatever it was he thought needed doing, cheeky fucker, or maybe he could've done everything while you had the kids all day yesterday, but I guess he was too busy sitting on his arse then too

CailinDana · 01/09/2013 22:21

If you don't even like each other what's the point?

Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:22

SGB He doesn't think women have to do all the housework etc he is very liberal and progressive minded. But he is very insensitive and uncarying.

When I was pregnant with dc2 and scheduled for planned c-section he thought that I could go to hospitalby my while he looked after dc1 rather than having my mum up here. This is the kind of thing he says.

OP posts:
NomNomDePlum · 01/09/2013 22:25

people can work hard and still be utter cunts, you know. he sounds like one of them. i wouldn't have it.

YesAnastasia · 01/09/2013 22:26

Good god, I could've written that. I have no idea what to do either. I do think that leaving him right now (while you're at this very tiring stage in your lives) is a bit drastic. It might improve...if not then rethink with a rested brain :)

tallwivglasses · 01/09/2013 22:29

He sounds horrible. What did he do all day yesterday?

If you don't fancy him but he's still affectionate when he wants sex, does that mean you're having sex under duress?

Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:34

No not under duress. I do enjoy it as a purely sex act when I'm in the mood, it could be anyone I guess. I don't like kissing him so I avoid it. I guess we are doomed aren't we Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:35

He played squash with a friend and went out for a coffee. Spend the afternoon at home and made dinner.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 01/09/2013 22:39

No you're not doomed. It could be that the relationship has run its course and that's sad and you will grieve but life will go on and will hopefully be a lot better.

Have you tried talking to him? Have you had counselling?

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2013 22:44

How old are your children and why didn't he want to spend time with his family yesterday? Is that usual?

And after that trip I'd be on my knees!

joanofarchitrave · 01/09/2013 22:46

"I hate the atmosphere between us recently and it doesn't seem to be improving. I believe things can be better. I want to try some couples therapy".

Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:46

The funny thing is that he thinks we have a strong relationship and always suggests doing stuff together and that he misses the pre dc days when we did lots of stuff together. But pre dcs he was kind, caring and humble. These days he is unkind, uncaring and arrogant.

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 01/09/2013 22:50

He doesn't particularly like zoos so he didn't come. He is quite willing to take the kids out to other things by himself, so that's not really a problem. Dcs are 3 and nearly 5.

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 01/09/2013 22:53

Crikey, I'm not wild about soft play on my own behalf, but that isn't why I go..

What do you do when he makes these unpleasant remarks? Do you ignore them?

apachepony · 01/09/2013 22:57

It doesn't sound like an automatic get rid to me. More two tired people who might be in the relationship doldrums and getting on each other's nerves but a salvageable situation, maybe couple counselling would help? (Though take that from the perspective that I would try a lot of things before getting rid when there are kids involved and believe every marriage is going to have its shit periods. Obviously long term disrespect is not liveable with)

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2013 23:05

Do you go out altogether?

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