DH and I struggling to get on following birth of PFB

[karinmaria]

Would love some advice on how to get my relationship with my DH back on track. We've been through a lot and I feel like we're not coping.

We've been married for just over a year, together for four years and have a five month old son. Since we got together my mum was diagnosed with cancer and passed away earlier this year when I was heavily pregnant. My FIL has severe ongoing health problems, has been hospitalised several times and is now very depressed. My MIL is his full time carer. I'm going to the doctor this week as I think I may have PND. DH works crazy shifts.

I guess the issue is that we're just not getting on. Jumping down each other's throats for no real reason, getting frustrated with tiny things and generally not being very kind to each other. This morning for example we had a row because DH fell asleep on the sofa whilst watching a movie and I should have woken him to come to bed. This is ignoring the fact I was already in bed having dealt with our DS having a tummy bug and not sleeping properly last week so I was knackered!

Apart from me going to the doctor, how do we move past this awful behaviour towards each other? I hate shouting but we seem to be pressing all each others' buttons at the moment. Both of us feel really stressed and like we're not happy and not coping.

Today DH admitted perhaps we'd had DS too early (he wasn't planned) and he hasn't been ready for the reality of a baby. This is the first time in months he's actually admitted how he feels instead of claiming I'm projecting and analysing him all the time. He knows how I'm feeling and has promised to support me fully through any treatment.

We are generally a very happy couple. Make each other laugh, he's very caring and warm and does housework and his share of looking after DS. I feel like we're drowning in all the illness and sadness and pressure from my DF and his DM to be there for them during their difficult times.

Advice very welcome. Thank you.

Thanks Viking. I feel like I'm going slightly mad sometimes and also forget these last couple of years have had so many extreme ups and downs.

I don't think DH is getting enough sleep. He tends to stay up later than he should to get some down time after work and unfortunately has vetoed ear plugs. Luckily DS already sleeps through (last week was an exception to the rule as he was ill!). The downtime thing is something which keeps coming up in discussions (arguments). He feels like he gets no break as he's either at work or helping me. However he forgets he is still able to go to the gym, play a bit of computer game etc. Yes it's much less than before but I haven't had time to do any of my hobbies.

We're going to find a childminder for when I return to work so hopefully he/she will be able to recommend a babysitter so we can have a few date nights. That's a great idea thank you. It would be lovely to be away from the tiny flat we call home!

It's good to know we're one of many couples who have been through this after a baby. It's just so life changing.

You have both had a huge amount to deal with in the past few months, so it's no surprise that something had to give. If you can communicate then that is half the battle won already.

If you are suffering from PND, then the doctors will be able to help you there. My friend lost her brother and FIL when she was pregnant and she then suffered from PND.

Is there any other family or friends who could babysit for you now so that you could have a few hours out together?

This is a tough time for most couples. It's great that your DH has admitted he's feeling a bit overwhelmed as that's a base to start from. Keep talking to each other and try to listen without overreacting. You're on the same team and the only goal is to keep your little family running as happily as possible. Hang in there, it does get better.

I think re- establishing relationships after a baby is tricky without adding in all the other stuff you have been through!!

I felt a bit the same with dp. I felt he didn't understand how tiring being a mum is. Yes he works but he gets his meals, a cuppa, a toilet break and most nights he got 8/9 hours unbroken sleep. I had a baby swinging off my boob who didn't sleep for longer than a hour for the first three months.

I told my dad about it one day. He said to me that we where partners. Before dd came along we both knew where we stood, what our roles within the relationship were, we were able to be selfish ( you can be pre kids).

He said everything was up in the air. I was learning to be a mum, him a dad and reassured me once the role of parent ( what we needed to do, what our roles were, and getting used to our needs being met if and when the baby is happy) was sorted in our heads then we would reestablish ourselves as partners.

Kind of makes sense. Dd was planned. I had everything planned. Was I expecting it to impact on my life quite as much? No way!

Dp also had trouble adjusting but she is 11 mo old now and we are fine. The sleep deprivation is still there (although she now sleeps 4 hours at a time sometimes) but I'm used to it.

Hang in there

Thanks all! Hanging in there is definitely what it feels like we're doing and it's great to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately we don't have much support for babysitting so we'll have to wait until we find an independent person. My in-laws often repeat promises to babysit but they rarely can do the dates we suggest (even with several weeks' notice) or cancel at the last minute. My DSIS lives 100 miles away and my DF doesn't want the baby alone until he's older (I think we'll have plenty of overnights with him in 2/3 years time!). We're the first of our friends to have a baby. I'm going to ask at my NCT group today.

He came in from work late last night and checked on me in bed for the first time in months and, instead of saying 'fine' when we asked each other how we were, had a bit of an honest chat about our days. He's luckily still asleep now!

It's so true about reclaiming our relationship. Need to spend more time just on us, not us and DS.

I found that just keeping talking going, laugh at yourselves (I once burst out laughing after having a major meltdown because I couldn't find the washing powder which made me useless and a bad mother and I would I cope I couldn't even find the washing powder- wgo gave me a baby Ffs?!?).
I could see him smirking and I nearly blew up at him but then i took a second and ended up laughing at myself.

Make sure you both think of the other - even a cup of tea and a quick chat whilst baby feeds.

Try have some contact even if its a kiss or cuddle before bed. I was going to bed earlier than dp but made sure I went over for a hug and kissed him I think actually in the first 6 months that was the only contact we got!