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Original poster

Constant negative comments from DP

18 replies

shiftinglard · 01/09/2013 17:41

Recently I have been having CBT for a number of reasons, but one of them is that I feel that I am constantly being sidelined and my feelings overlooked by my family - DP and older children. I always go with the flow for a quiet life, but this has made me progressively more and more unhappy eventually leading to stress/anxiety.

My therapist has given me lots of tips about making it known that I am not happy, and saying "actually I would rather do so and so".

I have been trying to put this into practice but this weekend my DP has said four times "Oh I can't say/do anything right these days". This is infuriating me, as I feel it is a "poor me" type thing, and it is also serving to make me feel like shit and a bad person and him a victim and a martyr.

An example: We were child free this Saturday, I wanted to go out for something to eat as this is a rare opportunity. I said that I would like an Indian, he agreed this sounded good. When I got home from work Saturday he had been shopping and the fridge had one of those supermarket curry takeaways in. He said, Oh I've bought the curry and I said, "but I wanted to go out" - I had been looking forward to going out all day, and felt really let down. He then did the "can't do anything right these days" and begrudgingly said we would go out, despite it being "cheaper to eat at home" (We are financially okay, so a meal out wouldn't break the bank).

This morning he has said "shall we have that curry tonight", and I said I didn't fancy having curry two nights running and he said the "Oh I can't say anything right these days" which made me fly off the handle. I told him to stop saying that as he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad, and I hadn't done anything wrong other than state my point of view. I also said that his bloody way wasn't the only way.

He is now off sulking.

We have got a few problems in the relationship, been together 9 years. He has got progressively "old fartish" lately, and accusing me of being immature because I want to go out and socialise (we are early 40's)! He has also started being very mean with his money, demanding that I pay exactly half of everything when we are out, to the point of a very embarrassing incident in front of my friend the other day. However, he has a very expensive hobby, which packages arrive for on an almost daily basis, and there is no expense spared there!

Whoops sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant but don't want to drip feed.

I don't really know where to go from here - he is probably waiting for me to cave in and apologise, but I really don't think I have done anything wrong.

OP posts:

Fraxinus · 01/09/2013 18:20

How much does he know about your therapy? Is he supportive of it?

I think it is normal that he would be making 'can't do anything right these days comments' if you are making changes that he does not know about. However, if you have talked to him about how you are feeling, and the changes you are trying to make, then he is being unreasonable.

Wrt being mean money wise, do you discuss money on a regular basis?
It does seem unfair and petty to make you pay exactly half... Does he not see that it's give and take?

Handywoman · 01/09/2013 18:59

He sounds like a twat. Has has 'issues' with you expressing an opinion, it seems. I had a husband like that til recently. I would carry on with therapy and work on your self esteem, shifting. Keep up with the assertiveness and go out with your friends as much as poss!

Zoe900 · 01/09/2013 19:05

He sounds tedious. You can't suggest anything as any feeling you have that he didn't anticipate is an affront to him personally? He can't possibly be that stupid, he must realise that you can want things, different things, you can suggest things, he gets this honestly, don't be fooled by him. What he wants is that you feel obliged to back down because you buy into his interpretation of events that he can never do anything right. In other words, you are hard, or impossible to please! That is not true though. You occasionally have wants and have needs. This is not in any way similar to being hard to please.

I am reading Anne Dicksons book at the moment and even though I feel like I'm in a good place compared with a 'Dulcie' chapter five I think it is is really good. It outlines your rights. eg, I have the right to change my mind. That is just one right.

He is acting as though you bulldoze over him, so that he gets his own way. So he's actually bulldozing over you and assuming the role of martyr. He gets his own way and plays 'poor me'.

Zoe900 · 01/09/2013 19:10

If I'd had curry last night and was suggesting eating it again, I would say it like "what do you think? curry again????" and I'd completely understand if the 'other diner' couldn't face curry two nights running. But either way I wouldn't dream of acting personally offended that somebody else couldn't face curry when I could, or could face curry if I couldn't! that is just bullish, childish, I will get what I want by sulking / insulting

kalidanger · 01/09/2013 19:16

Does he know why you're having the therapy? Could he be sort of pre-empting you becoming more confident?

Catnap26 · 01/09/2013 19:21

Ah what we will do for a quiet life,i know that feeling!

Have you consider going to counselling together like relate.it may give you both an opportunity to discuss how u feel about ure therapy and how he feels about ure new ability to be assertive and express your opinions.if he has always been used to getting his own way he is probably finding this change difficult (I'm not saying his behaviour is right or justified).

It may be nice if you both put money into a separate account each month which you can use when you both go out together as a couple that way there is no dispute over who is paying.

Kundry · 01/09/2013 19:23

It's totally understandable that if you have never asserted yourself and suddenly start, your DH would find it a shock. However the crucial bot is how he reacts now.

The best outcome would be that you both have a painful time adjusting but then he gets used it, and can see that you are so much happier and you are communicating better as a couple, so you move on and have a much happier relationship. This is the likely outcome with your children BTW.

Unfortunately you may find that he was with you because he only likes dating doormats. There are hints of this in your post that he sees himself as the boss and you as inferior, for example in how your finances are set up and his right to have an expensive hobby. This can happen with therapy - you realise it wasn't you that was the problem.

Why don't you let him know that part of your CBT is trying to communicate your needs and feelings better (so it isn't a complete surprise to him) but keep going. If he continues the poor me act interminably you will unfortunately have found out why you were so unhappy.

Original poster

shiftinglard · 01/09/2013 19:23

Thanks for the replies. Yes he does know about the therapy. My therapist says that I feel as though my feelings are not validated and that whilst trying to keep everyone else happy I am not happy myself. She also said that whilst it sounds as though I get practical support from DP he does not support me emotionally, and now that I need emotional support he is not providing it, but continuing to act "his way or the highway".

I did discuss this with him and he poo pooed it as psycho babble, and professed to not know what was meant by emotional support..

What is the title of Ann Dicksons book?

OP posts:

mrspaddy · 01/09/2013 19:25

Good for you that you are looking after yourself and I have heard CBT is great. I would stand my ground on the big things and let little things go.. but you were right.. a supermarket meal is no substitute for going out. He sounds like he is in a rut.

Maybe he is threatened by the new you. Make sure you reassure him too, that you are there for him and let him make choices too without nagging. It is tedious correcting someone all the time. He does sound whiny.

Original poster

shiftinglard · 01/09/2013 19:27

We do discuss finances, he earns approx twice what I earn, but always seems worried he is paying/doing more than me, ie I drove yesterday, so you can drive today. If he has booked and paid for cinema tickets it is "oh I paid for the tickets so you can get the popcorn" - you can, not can you!

God, as I am writing this I can see be sounds like a tight fisted selfish dick

OP posts:

kalidanger · 01/09/2013 19:37

He absolutely does sound like a dick

And now the worm is turning there might not be anything left in the relationship to work with. Does that sound possible?

something2say · 01/09/2013 20:42

Sweetheart,

They know you as x and now you want to change to y.

They are possibly going to comment, as now they don't getmlifemall their own way.

My advice is to first of all expect this. Then withdraw and get support. From your therapist, from self help books, from self esteem websites, from positive affirmations that you write yourself,

But seriously, do expect this. NHS wants it all his own way and he is not used to hearing what you think, let alone doing what you want.

Congratulations by the way, to taking responsibility for your own happiness. If we don't wield that responsibility ourselves, no one will factor us into their plans.

clam · 01/09/2013 20:50

Is your family blended or are all your dcs both of yours? I'm wondering if there's a reason for the "my money/your money" business.

Original poster

shiftinglard · 01/09/2013 21:13

Yes blended family, he has 3, I have 2. All teens, oldest on each side have left for uni. All live with us.

I have been compliant for an easy life for too long, it was hard to face up to admitting I am not happy, and it is tiring now I am trying to assert myself.

OP posts:

Zoe900 · 01/09/2013 21:56

Shiftinglard it's called em, "A woman in your own right". She does mention the fact that it's written unapologetically for women, although a lot of the content applies to men too. It's a good book and very easy to read.

I bought two dummies books last year 'the cognitive behaviour' and the raising self esteem. Even though they are for dummies (allegedly!) I find them quite hard to plough through. The Anne Dickson book very easy to read.

My x would have hated me reading a book like that. When I presented him with a reasoned, fair argument he would mock it and me. "did you read that in a magazine?' he sneered once, when I thought I had presented him with a totally fair point.

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 22:00

I have to admit the first thing I thought was, "Thank god you haven't married him."

Can you imagine a life where you lived apart? What do you think it would be like?

Zoe900 · 01/09/2013 22:04

I know, I craved that Imperialblether. I used to long to buy what I chose, watch what I liked, eat what was right for me, wear what suited me, sleep when I was tired, but all of that was a struggle with a man who did nothing but criticise. sometimes now I crave company but I know it's good company i'm craving, not an irritant.

Original poster

shiftinglard · 01/09/2013 23:02

I will download that book on my kindle.

I must admit I do daydream about moving out, I said to my friend that I would be scared of being lonely, and she told me she thought I was lonely now.

At the moment I don't think I have the energy to move out, the CBT I am finding quite draining at the moment as my emotions come to the surface.

OP posts:

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