So how do I accuse him when I know nothing has happened YET?

[meandtheboys]

OK so this is going to seem ridiculous but please bear with me. About 4 years ago, DH met someone through his then work. Nothing happened with them but I could tell he fancied her and there was definite 'chemistry' there. Whenever we happened to meet her it was awkward and you could tell she didn't want o speak to me.

Me and DH were going through a hard time at the time anyway. DS1 was a baby and we weren't really seeing eye to eye. We were on the verge of breaking up and I often wondered if this woman was possibly adding to the tenstions. Anyway, bottom line is that he left the job for totally unrelated reasons and he and this woman lost contact. They weren't really 'friends' as such, more work collegues, so didn't have each others mobile numbers or anything.

Anyway, years later, me and DH have recovered our marriage and gone on to have another child. I thought things were fine between us. I think they are. BUT today when we were out shopping he bumped into this woman. I didn't think too much of it but later he has sent her messages on facebook yet he's not actually friends with her on facebook so he has actively searched for her today. I know because he left his account logged in on the computer but anyway during these messages he manages to call her 'hun' say how nice it was to see her after all these years and his messages were all ended with a 'x'. She replies the same bullshit and then he asks for her phone number as he finds it easier to text than FB message.

So I know this. Knowing nothing has happened since he only sent the messages today but what do I do? Am I over reacting here? I feel very uncomfortable and I know I am probably being jealous and stupid. What do I do?

He's away camping with our eldest DS tonight so I have no doubt he's been texting this woman whilst there. I am so fucking angry but do I have a right to be? Could it be innocent? Bearing in mind he has not mentioned a thing about even bumping into her today, I feel like he's being shady messaging her without me knowing (only I do know but he doesn't know that!)

SO what do I say without just yelling and looking like a desperate twat?

To be truthful though, even if she is getting married, it doesn't stop them from doing anything. She clearly isn't bothered that my DH is married with children. Agree with post who said he sounds a bit teenagerish! Surely a mature man would have just said 'Hello' when he saw her. Not engage in full conversation and secret messages with her, knowing how his wife feels. Facebook will be/is the death of many a marriage I think...and men who act like selfish, lying cunts.

Yup, I think fb is the messenger for many a betrayal.

I hope he will have spent the day reflecting on this and be honest and straight with you tonight. You sound very no-nonsense, which is good, and presumably he knows that too. He really only has one option if he wants to keep your relationship, and that is to be open and honest.

I agree with you that he should have just said hello and then mentioned it to you. I just think so many of them seem to have poor, fragile little egos that need continually massaging. Such a bloody shame.

I have just come back to the thread and read the lot. Frankly, I VERY much doubt there will be a wedding! I think your husband made that up to, at best, placate you (knowing in his heart that he doesn't intend to have an affair) or throw you off the scent (knowing in his heart he intends to try to take things further with her).
He may be innocent (sometimes people 'mirror' the language and style of the person they're corresponding with...so, the 'hun' and xx could be because that's how she addressed him, IYSWIM?
I think someone who uses the word 'hun' (no offence to those who use the term...it's just my own perception) are vacuous, shallow types. I also hate selfies and think, judging by her pouting T&A selfies, if there was a fiance on the scene she'd have it all over FB! She sounds like she'd be gushy and OTT if a wedding was on the horizon...from what I've managed to pick up about her from your messages.
I personally think he might have been thinking of embarking on an affair before you confronted him. If so, what a dick!
I really feel for you and your children and hope everything works out.

It's totally normal to compare yourself to someone you know your partner is attracted to. Shame some these 'pretty' girls come with the morals of an alley cat! My exes new P is very pretty and skinny but is a jealous nightmare. I'd rather have my fat arse and a few lines than her personality.

You have given him your entire adult life and two DC, what can she give him? Probably herpes to go with the fake, temporary buzz of a new relationship!! Sorry for being crass but I'm so annoyed for you. Everyone know that first sizzle never lasts. Bet she's not half as pretty first thing in the morning with a stinking hangover and no make up. It's the longtime bond that is important. That's your forever relationship.

Thank you again ladies. Yes I agree with everything that's been said. I think the wedding was definitely made up by him to make me feel less threatened but for what reasons I don't know. I definitely agree with you Fackinell with regards to the herpes and morals of an alley cat! She may well not be as slaggy as she comes accross and quite frankly, it's none of my business until she starts swishing her hair and sticking her tits out towards my DH. Still, the blame isn't on her. It's my DH who kept it secret and had his head turned by her...I mean I wouldn't blame him for looking at her and thinkin 'wow, she's a bit of alright' and then even joking with me about it. He went beyond that. He has shown massive immaturity and really just completely gone down in my opinion. Whether he intended to have an affair or not he still decided to get in contact with someone he knew I would feel uncomfortable with and pursue whatever kind of relationship with someone who in the past has had a rather toxic influence on our marriage. I personally don't think he thought if he texts fb messages her then he'll get laid but who knows? Who knows where the secrecy and lies would have lead. We are going to talk more tonight. I feel less emotional about it now. I feel less insecure and more downright disappointed in him. I will not take his bullshit. I want to know exactly what his intentions were and he needs to know that I will not take this from him.

Hi op, I can tell you're very upset and I understand why. All the insecurities pop up. On one hand it's the trust issues and the secrecy and then it's dealing with the idea that your dh is attracted to the ego stroking of another woman. It's very difficult to compete (not that you do) with a new exciting flirty woman! Particularly when the drudge of family life is repetitive.
You have said how loyal your dh had always been and your best friend. Almost to the extent that love becomes unconditional. He has slipped up and behaved foolishly. He probably had no intention of shagging her, but the attention was a thrill. If he has genuinely been a good dh and faithful, put this down to a silly mistake. Yes it will arouse suspicion for a while,but going on past behaviour this is a one off? He knows exactly how you feel about things. Sometimes it's a good opportunity to go over where boundaries are in the relationship, so you both are fully aware of each others expectations. Maybe not today, but when things have settled down so you can have a calm conversation about it. What are acceptable friendships etc? From a hypothetical point.

Fwiw, your dh should now cut all contact with this woman, not because you have asked him too, but because he should choose to out of respect. As he said, it's been years since he saw her. He should just ignore all texts, messages etc and defriend on FB. He needs to offer her no reason, as due to his behaviour, your feelings as his wife are more important. There is no benefit in there friendship whatsoever, it will just bring doubt and insecurity to you. If he had been honest and open from the start re her contact, then there would be no need.

Oh I can totally relate to the way 'hun' makes you feel (and also apologies to anyone who uses it) as one of the women dp reconnected with used it frequently! It makes my teeth itch whenever I see it being used in what seems a false way.

I also agree that fb is evil in the wrong hands.

Believe me I thought dp was a good 'un, never thought he'd do what he did in a million years. The timing for his betrayal was perfect really, relationship was in a 'dip' his ego was thoroughly boosted just at the right time but he decided selfishly to take it further.

We are still together. It's been over a year since I found out and my life changed forever but it shocked dp so much that he has totally changed. Without the change we wouldn't be together. He was totally and utterly devastated by what he'd done, I'm no doormat, he was gone and I wanted him out of my life but he begged me to let him prove how sorry he was and he has.

It's been a difficult path to choose it really has and I never thought in a million years I'd ever give a cheater a second chance but I have.

If you want this to work your dh needs to know clear boundaries with regards to friends outside of the relationship. What's acceptable and that sending messages to someone who clearly made you feel uncomfortable four years ago is up there with unacceptable. As another poster mentioned transparency is now the key. Not that you want to check his phone 24/7 but that you can trust him when he tells you no more secrets, so that you could check whenever you wanted until you felt secure enough to not want to.

The book I mentioned earlier is well worth a read if you want to talk about the boundary issues.

You'll be going through an emotional roller coaster at the moment full of what ifs etc once the fog has lifted you'll feel clearer as to the way forward. It's totally natural to check her fb page. A way of making sure she cannot message your dh is to tell him to block her. Blocked people cannot message you.

Good for you, Meandtheboy! Please keep us posted and rant away if you wish to.

Did your dh affair turn physical looksgoodingravy? I'm always perplexed how things go from what is inappropriate chatting on FB, to meeting and actually shagging. It just seems like a massive jump.
One thing enjoying your ego stroking and attention, but to meet and shag which is so blatantly wrong must be soul destroying.

It seems most men are vulnerable to having their ego massaged. What sort of women deliberately chase married men. They seem to get off on the thrill of taking a mm away from their wife. ''I'm so sexy that I can even destroy a marriage of 15 years' ...

quilt - in most cases affairs are just that, crossing several boundaries from being just friends to a full blown shagging type affair. This is why Shirley Glass's book (which I linked to earlier) comes highly rated and she explains so well what happens when people go down the slippery slope into an affair. Her book also talks a lot about how to recover and how to address boundaries/issues.

Sadly yes Quilt, orally anyway!

Worst kind of hurt I've ever experienced.

And another thing, always trust your gut instincts. OP feels uneasy about this woman where normally she's not jealous or insecure. Speaks volumes really.

What if its all one way. For example, checking out FB profiles a lot etc. Chatting on FB, but nothing that is inappropriate, but not mentioning it. Is that the dh being inappropriate or the dw being insecure. Boundaries are not always clear cut.

OP - you are right to say HE is the one you need to focus on, not OW.

Yes gut instinct is very reliable. But then if trust issues have developed because of a one off, could paranoia take over gut instincts.

All hypothetical, but you just never know.

Surely being open and transparent is key?

Lying and secrecy about the extent of contact.

Inappropriate contact - why does he need to be FB friends with her? why does he want her phone number?

Dp explained that texting allowed him to be someone else (which it can do) the 'friends' he reconnected with were from his past, I don't think he thought he was doing anything wrong in the beginning, then one thing led to another and I don't suppose he thought it would hurt anyone if they just met for a drink, after all they'd been texting for a while (while I was left holding the baby as it were).

good explanation by Shirley Glass

Yuck, the thought of her deliberately chasing him BECAUSE he was married makes me feel physically queasy. Maybe it's about her ego being stroked too really. What a pathetic shallow girl she really must be. What a weak and pathetic man he must be though! Yes this is the first time he's put a foot wrong to be fair to him. Having aid that, I did tell him 4 years ago she fancied him and he never accepted that. He just said she totally doesn't. It wasn't too much of an issue at the time really because I was so busy with our new baby and I knew DH wouldn't do anything with her. I suppose nearly 5 years more of parental drudgery, me being a couple of stone heavier and having another child may have made him see it as a bit more exciting this time round. He needs to block her on facebook, good idea. I shall suggest this. He has said he wouldn't go to her wedding now. 'It wouldn't be worth it.' It wasn't really 'worth' messaging her at all then really was it H ???

Looksgoodingravy, thank you for sharing your story. I admire the fact that your DH has completely changed and that you have been able to move on. I really don't know how to move on yet. I just keep thinking what could have happened. I can't babysit him for the next 5 years for fear of what may happen if someone pretty shows an interest.

Like I said, 5 years ago I completely blocked my male friend out of my life because of how things were heading and things he'd said to our other friends. It wasn't easy because he was a friend but NO friend is worth ruining my marriage and our family over. I cut him out completely, deleted his number, blocked facebook etc and always kept DH entirely in the loop. We saw this man at another friend's birthdays a while back, he was there with his now partner. I deliberately did not engage in conversation with him. I didn't even say hello actually (which may sound rude but I couldn't risk it leading to 'how are yous? what you been up to? etc) I stayed with DH and our children in the kids party room.

Sadly DH couldn't show me the same respect when it came to this woman.

looksgoodingravy ouch, meeting for a bj? Risk everything for that. Men are very silly. When things like that happen, you have to really dig deep and think whether it was a one off. Ltb is not always the right option. Life isn't that simple.

The wedding lie alone would pass me off to be honest. I would seriously sit him down and say "I want you to tell me if the wedding invite was a lie. If you admit it we can start to work on things. If you lie to me now I won't ever be able to trust you again."

How old is she? Who is she supposed to be marrying? When is the wedding? Could she be trying to make your dh jealous?
Did it seem like your dh was lying?

There was more to it Quilt, dp acted like a kid in a sweet shop.

There was a dip in the relationship, opportunity, ego massaging, he was totally selfish and self centred.

Yes men (and women) can be very silly. It's where you draw the line really and it's as if dp had forgotten that line was ever there. He gave himself permission to cross it and didn't think of the repercussions at the time because he was in this little fantasy bubble, he'd had a 'hit' and liked it. I'm sure if I'd looked at his phone at that time I could maybe have stopped him in his tracks, who knows. Instinct was telling me something but I was looking in the wrong place!

You are right to trusts your instincts about this woman.If Your DH re-establishing contact with her makes you so uncomfortable that's enough reason for him to stop and focus his attention back on your marriage.Its time he was completely honest with you.And I would say you have intercepted something in the early stages.
3 years on from finding out about DH secretly texting and meeting an OW - who was saying she loved him and would love to give him a BJ - I am sadly and painfully aware how these things can spiral out of control.Even in marriages that have been strong and happy.
I didn't LTB by the way.And he worked very hard to understand why he was vulnerable to flattery,and what weaknesses of his - flirty,people pleasing, unable to say no - but trust takes a long, long time to recover and deep down the hurt will always be there.I was always very relaxed about DHs other platonic friends, but this OW was something else and I still so wish I had listened to my inner voice and been clear with him about boundaries and how she made me feel from the start.

Glad things are healing though gravy. You sound like a brave woman. Your dh must know that he can never mess up like that again.
I can't imagine the pain of feeling like that. Time does help though. The 12 months after a new baby I think is the most vulnerable time in a marriage. I have seen it with the men I work with and even my own dh. Whether its porn, chatting on FB to an emotional or physical affair, I think if the opportunity arises it is much more likely to happen at this time then another.