Bear with me; this is going to be long.
A few months ago my husband's friend (A) was diagnosed with cancer. They have been friends since they began school, grew up together, were flatmates on and off over the years and were Best Man for each other at their respective weddings. To use the cliché they were closer than brothers.
I met my DH when I was in my mid-teens, went out with him briefly when I was 18 and finally 'got together' properly when I was in my late twenties. We remained friends throughout that time so obviously I knew his friend very well, his wife less so. The past few years, as happens, we tended to see less of them. They went out a lot socially, we don't but we still saw them every month or so.
When A was diagnosed we knew from the beginning the prognosis wasn't good but the speed in which the cancer took hold was unbelievable. He was incredible though, going to work up until six weeks before the end, still going out socially etc. DH began popping round on his way home from work a few times a week. As A began to deteriorate his wife began to rely on H more.
I know I am unreasonable before anyone tells me, but I began (for the first time in my married life) to be a bit jealous. A's wife began calling DH at work, asking him to come out of work for a chat, going for a pint when A was asleep. At this point we still thought A would be with us for a lot longer and while I didn't begrudge DH the time with A, I did begin to resent the time he was spending with his wife. I was having significant health problems myself at the time (although nothing on A's scale) and one day when I was extremely ill (I got hospitalised later that night) A's wife called to see if DH could pop round. A was having bad day and sleeping a lot and A's wife kept asking DH to stay and keep her company and then when his parent?s nipped round she wanted DH to go out for a drink.
Obviously, once I recovered from my own hospital trip I talked to DH and explained that while I loved his caring nature and urge to look after everyone I was starting to feel like second best. He was shocked that I felt like that and very upset. He just wanted to help and didn't want to say no to anything. I did feel bad about my irrational thoughts and I tried to be as supportive as I could to A, DH and A's wife, his parents and the rest of the family.
The last few weeks DH went every day and I am glad he did get to spend the time with A, I went most days and we did what we could, which was very little. We spent most of the last day with him and DH stayed with him to the end. This is the first person that DH has lost despite being in his late forties.
It has been a couple of months now, the pain I feel in the loss is still strong so I dread to think of the pain DH and of course, A's wife and family etc. are feeling. We are still supporting her as best we can, the 'social' group of friends they had seem to have disappeared since the funeral. I have sorted out the legal/financial side while DH the more practical (repainting the room A died in etc.).
But now and again the irrational jealous part of me kicks in, usually when she text or calls him when he is at work or invites him round after he finishes his shift. Don't get me wrong, DH shares all this with me, calls me to ask if I want to go with him but I still feel irritated- I don't call DH much at work unless it's an emergency. I feel worst when I pop around and she never mentions that she has phoned DH in the middle of the night (he works shifts).
Please tell me this all will pass, my own irritations, the nightly calls and invites, the feeling that there are now three of us in my marriage. Call me selfish and unkind - I know I am, I suppose it's just the feeling that nothing will ever be the same again.