Letter to my Dad

[3LB]

A while ago I posted about my estranged father, and wondering if I should get in contact with him- mostly because I know I have 2 half brothers and would like them to be in mine and my childrens' lives if possible.
DH and I talked about it and he offered to try and hand deliver a note directly to him (not thought out the specifics of that just yet). He will explain who he is, and that the letter is from me- his daughter- and that I would like to see or talk to him.
Anyway, could someone take a look at what I had planned to write and give me an opinion on it please? I have never had any contact with him, he and my mum split up when she was pg with me. TIA

I don't know if you ever received the letter I wrote to you a few years ago.
I'm now 28, married and a college lecturer. We have 3 children. Our eldest son J was stillborn 4.5 years ago, and we have since had ds 3.5 and dd 9mo. I know you have 2 grown up sons, and I would like you and them to have a part in my children's lives. I have no other siblings apart from them, and so they have no aunts or uncles.
Since having children I've become frustrated about how little I know about your side of the family
Whatever you decide, I would be grateful if you could contact me on ** or at and let me know of any medical conditions etc which run in the family and could affect your grandchildren.
My name(maiden name)(your daughter, should you be in any doubt)
Am aware this is long (sorry) and rough round the edges, so would really like some help with this. Again TIA

hello 3LB never had to do anything like this before but had an idea for you take it from the sentence begining since having children

since having children my self it has made me more and more curious about what my dad is really like and not knowing who i fully am as their is a part of me i dont know as i dont know anything about you or your family.
Just them little kind of things like does get of you?? are you * like me???
I have so many things that i want to ask you, PLEASE dont take any offence but even things like Health issues that could affect me and your Granchildren.
All im asking for is for a chance to get to know my dad and my children to get to know their Grandad.
Please contact me on
my name is
(enclose a photo of your self and of your family)
I thought you would like to know what we look like and see if you can see any family resembulance??

Really look forward to hearing of you and to have my dad in my life

3LB
I just wonder if you need to be a little less asking to be part of his life at this point, but more touching base - in the most literal sense of the expression . If you are able to arrange to meet, and you like each other and have values you can share, might that be the time to begin planning to introduce your respective families?
Sorry - hope I'm not confusing matters - just my thoughts. And I think you're really right in trying to make contact - hope it goes well!

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Having a think now about what to do. fairyjay- I think I have played up the kids more because I think it might appeal to him more than just meeting me? After all, I'm 28 and he hasn't wanted anything to do with me so far

i agree with fairyjay.
ui would keep it to this is who i am, i would like to meet you, i want to know something about that part of me.

then decide if you want him to be part of your life once you have met him.without being harsh,he might be a wanker and the last person you want your kids exposed to.

Thanks alexsmum. Yes you're right, hadn't thought about that- he could of course be a loon. I have written to him before, several years ago, but not sure if he received it. That's why the letter I proposed is brief and does not say "I am your daughter" (found that phrase too Star Wars IYKWIM! [geek emoticon]
Also was keeping it quite curt; refuse to address it Dear Dad or suchlike. I strongly feel he will not want anything to do with us, so wanting to make it clear that I EXPECT him to give me any info that is relevant to my children's health even if he is a wanker

i think that's best.to be quite frank anyone who walks out on a child and never comes back/shows an interest/pays maintenance doesn't deserve to be called dad.
has your mum told you much about him?

How about the following:

I don't know if you ever received the letter I wrote to you a few years ago. I'm your daughter and I'm now 28, married and a college lecturer. We have 3 children. Our eldest son J was stillborn 4.5 years ago, and we have since had ds 3.5 and dd 9mo. I know you have 2 grown up sons, and I would really like to know more about them. I have no other siblings, and it would be nice to see if in time you and they could meet my children.
The other reason for writing this is that since having children I am more curious you and your side of the family, and that part of me. I'd like to know if there are any family resemblances. Ds and dd are very alike, and look like my husband, but they also look very like me as a baby.
I would be grateful if you could contact me on or at and let me know of any medical conditions etc which run in the family and could affect your grandchildren. I look forward to hearing from you (? too businesslike?)
My name(maiden name)

Indeed, alexsmum.She has told me very little, is frustratingly vague. She says she doesn't mind if I want to contact him, but I think that secretly she does.

this is tough.it sounds good but i just don't know

Was thinking of putting a picture of ds and dd in. That way, if he never contacts me I at least know he knows about them and has seen them, and that I have done all that I can. Same goes for telling him about my eldest child. I want him to know these things about me, for some strange reason.

I would personally not send a letter to your Dad out of the blue because it could open up a whole can or worms. Not excusing what he has done at all and can see why you want contact but I would tread carefully here. You could be rebuffed all over again and his new family may not have any idea you even exist as a person. They will need to adjust too.

Would suggest you talk with the following people before doing anything else because they can act as intermediaries:-

Salvation Army
Family Tracing Service
101 Newington Causeway
London
SE1 6BN

UK: 0845-634 4747 (local rate)
or 020-7367 4747

Thanks Attila. I highly doubt that he will have told his family about me. His sons are 20 and 22.
Maybe I will give the salvation army a call. Last thing I want to do is hurt his family, it's not their fault he is a big knobhead. I have given this a LOT of thought over the last 10 years, and cannot think of the best way forward. Don't want to just post a letter because it would be so easy for him to just throw it away, or claim he never got it, or his wife to intercept it and throw it away. I strongly feel it shouldn't be that easy for him, and that perhaps it's time he faced up to things. My mum had to really struggle at times on her own, is it so much to ask for him to tell me about my history?

Sorry, that's a bit ranty, none of it is directed at you! Thanks heaps for number, will definitely ring it

3LB
I think you're probably right to approach this in a 'business like' manner - if he hasn't tried to contact you, I suppose you have to question whether the emotional approach would work anyway. For that reason, I wouldn't send him photos. It must be so hard, and I think you're absolutely right to do something, I suppose it's just a case of finding the right method of approach. Do you know where he works?

Alas fairyjay I don't- that would be so much easier, ir if I had an email address for him. He's not on friendsreunited (wonder why?!)

Will mull it over and post again tonight

Hi 3LB,

Seems to me that the point that would most likely get him to contact you is to let you know about any medical problems that could affect your kids. And leave the bit about spending time with him and your half-brothers until you've got a line of communication going? He might be very scared of forming any kind of relationship out of the blue, but I think he'd find it very hard to deny you important medical information. He'd have to explain things to his wife / kids - how do you start a conversation like that?! So initially keep it on need-to-know-info / business-like manner, and then after he replies, gently suggest a meeting, or perhaps another letter telling him more info. Putting a picture of the kids in is a very good idea.

I would also not refer to previous letters - you could put him on the defensive which isn't really what you want... I'd just ease into it gently. if you can get him to answer one letter, you've got your foot in the door, and I'd just write the first letter to get over that hurdle.

So perhaps something like this:

I'm now 28, married and a college lecturer. We have 3 children. Our eldest son J was stillborn 4.5 years ago, and we have since had ds 3.5 and dd 9mo. I realised that I don't know much about you or your side of the family and wondered if you could spare the time to let me know about any medical conditions, such as heart disease and could affect