Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If in doubt,Do nothing..... Really?

12 replies

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 08:49

I been married for 11 years, been unhappy for a few years but kept going in the hope that things would get better(all sorts of reasons inc ea, some dv, complete lack of help and support from h both literally and emotionally, he spent all his time on computer or watching tv) - they didnt, despite me trying and asking and suggesting, however this was seen as me moaning, sqwarking or lecturing. I told him how rubbish I thought things had got, I told him our marriage was in trouble but on one occasion he just laughed at me and went back to playing on the computer. His phrase was, apparently, 'if in doubt do nothing'. I tried to talk to him a few times before I made the final decision, he got upset on one occasion and suggested counselling but never actually did anything about anything until he received the petition, then he soon moved, my goodness, he threw all sorts of threats at me, be came even more verbally abusive and nasty(he said some really spiteful things to me)and got busy ensuring i would receive nothing. I left after an incident of dv and called the police:( I just wondered if anyone else adopts or understands the attitude of doing nothing in the hope it will go away? I appreciate we all have different ways of dealing with things but to me if something isn't quite right-from a leaking tap to a marriage-it's not going to get better unless you fix or address it, however hard that may be. Any advice much appreciated, thanks for reading

OP posts:
everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 13:51

Anyone?

OP posts:
bigstrongmama · 31/08/2013 13:56

Sorry to hear that. 'If in doubt, do nothing' is clearly the mantra of a lazy arse. Hope you told him you have no doubts about divorcing him!

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 14:01

Thank you - not now, I know now it was the right thing for me:)it's just the attitude he had, still don't get it,hence posting on here for any other views

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 31/08/2013 14:25

Wasn't it more a case of "It's all fine for me, so I'll do nothing"? Sounds like HE was quite nicely set up in your relationship, could do what he liked, and had a handy wife to skivvy around after him and to use as a punchbag to make himself feel better. So why would he change it?

You, on the other hand, had every reason to want to change things - so well done for getting away from him!

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 14:44

Not looked at it like that, yes, he was ok,he worked,did as he pleased and I suppose anything I suggested would have interrupted this:( it was always my fault when he hurt me-I would have pushed him too far on purpose :( he has accepted it's over-but refuses to accept any blame-its my fault:(

OP posts:
MNiscold · 31/08/2013 14:49

Do you need him to accept blame? You're out, aren't you? Do you really care how he sees it? You can't MAKE him understand or take responsibility for anything....

But congratulations for seeing your way free. It took me longer than it did you!!

MNiscold · 31/08/2013 14:50

And I do agree with you about working on things so they don't go horribly wrong.... fixing that leaking tap, etc. Doing nothing seems like lazy and apt to cause more problems in the long run.

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 15:03

I am trying not to care, he knows whats gone on. I just don't get it-if my horse is lame and I ignore I pay,if the children behave badly and I ignore they would get worse:( you are all right, that's why I don't get how he can do nothing:( I am better off now, I have a long road ahead but I have stood up to him:)

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 31/08/2013 15:28

Lots of people bury their heads in the sand. Then when it gets worse they blame someone else - after all, they haven't changed.

Sorry you are going through this.

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 16:59

That's what he did, burried his head, ignored it all on purpose then when it all came to blamed me - in the petition he has acknowledged that the marriage has broken down but that its not his fault, he has take no responsibility whatsoever :( just don't get it:(

OP posts:
Squeegle · 31/08/2013 17:06

I suppose the only answer is that you can't second guess what goes on / went on in his head. He is prone to dv, to ea, to being nasty. You're not. In the same way he prone to doing nothing. You're not.

He is clearly not a person you want to be with. In your shoes ( and I have been there). I feel there is no point in trying to understand him; just recognise he is what he is and you're better off out of it!

everycloudhasasilverlining · 31/08/2013 18:44

No,you are right, there is no point in trying:( it's not how I am, I like to face things and deal with issues so they can then be resolved, if they aren't they don't go away they fester and get worse, I feel our marriage is proof of that and something I do not wish to repeat:( many thanks for your replies, I find them most helpful:)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page