friends - has my depression ruined my new friendships

[misssounsure]

I did an NCT antenatal class and met a nice group of mums. We all stayed in touch and now the group are quite friendly. I became quite good friends with one of the ladies and ended opening up to her about how I was feeling very down and anxious etc. We spent a lot of time on fb chat with me going on and on and on about how down I felt. I look back now and I feel so embarrassed for doing this. I noticed that she "backed off" a little, i.e no longer making conversations with me on fb etc. She's still very polite and nice to me but she's definitely "backed off"

I know she's mentioned it to one of the others and now I just feel so utterly embarrassed and totally awkward around them now. I feel like they've lost respect for me, possibly seeing me as a bit pathetic (not that they've said this to me but I do feel like some of them have lost respect for me). One of them is lovely and asks me how i'm feeling etc.

I just feel totally embarrassed. I know mental illness, pnd etc isnt something to be ashamed of and its very common etc etc but in reality it can make things a bit awkward if you've said loads of things like I have! I'm tempted to totally back off from the group and try to make friends elsewhere. What do people think?

(p.s I've got help re.my depression from GP so that side of things is sorted)

If you feel embarressed just put it out there. Tell them you feel awkward because you've never been in that position before, now you're much better & you feel like the 'real' you is back. If you have that conversation & they're nice people I'm sure they'll tell you not to worry & hopefully you'll feel like you can move on.

I don't think you need to do that for them btw, nor do I think you have any need to apologise. I just think it's a conversation that might help you bury the embarrassment & move on with these friends (would seem a shame to drop them)

I think you need counselling because you inadvertantly used this woman as a therapist. She may have backed away because she didnt feel able to advise you appropriately. She may have felt out of her depth and just wanted to keep relations light hearted. Please don't feel embarrassed, go back to your GP and ask to be referred to a therapist so you can talk things through. Do you have PND?

Raisah I did say in my initial post that I've been to the GP and got the depression side of things sorted...which has included getting on a list to see a therapist. My post on here was re.the friendship side of things as opposed to my pnd.

Yes I was sort of using her as a therapist without intending to. I know that she herself had depression in the past so I guess that's why I opened up to her so much! She was very helpful advising me to see a counsellor and advising me on good books to read etc etc. I took all her advice but continued to message her about how I was feeling and that is then when she backed off totally understandably. I just feel so awkward around them all now x

Don't worry. But allow time to heal and move things along. It may be that you crossed a boundary, and she knows this, so rightly she is backing off. So you back off too, stay with the friend group but do not cross boundaries anymore, make chit chat and let time move it all far behind you. And when you think about it, think about no you have changed now and it was a useful lesson xxx which it was and you are not the first nor the last to learn it xx

thanks something2say xx

Something2say I totally agree with you. I had a similar situation with my PND. New friends in general are not the right ones to unburden yourself to, and I learned that the hard way. But don't give up the friendships just out of embarassment. That would be over-thinking and disproportionate.
I'm glad you are feeling better now OP.

domesticslattern. Did your new friendships recover? Are they good friends now? We moved to a new area when I was pregnant so i was desperate to make new friends. I'm so annoyed with myself! I wander if I should try to make other new friends and not make the same mistake again but I'm feeling exhausted!

That happens but maybe she backed off a little because of her not you?? In fact much more likely that a) shes too busy to be able to give much now on an ongoing basis b) you're an unfortunate reminder of HER issues and she can only handle so much?

Nct groups often grow apart anyway or establish as a fairly nice but superficial meet up every now and then to share what you DO have in common which may simply be having babies of similar age. Kid-based friendships continue often to be a matter of convenience as kids get older, really helps to compartmentalise them.

But please don't feel a fool so many of is get depression, as you say, nothing to be ashamed of but i know its made me too needy and expecting of people in the past when they gave their own stuff to deal with. This may not be so for you but more therapy might help? Just a thought.

thanks salbertina. Yes I'm on waiting list for CBT. GP referred me but waiting list is 4 months!!! I know that CBT will really help me to address the way I think.

I don't have many close close friends if you know what I mean.. I have a few superficial friendships but no best friend or really close friend and that gets me down. I hoped to form close friendships with other women after having my baby but I guess I've been too needy and pushed some away :-(

and yes you are right she may well have backed off because of her own issues... she has said in the past that she doesnt watch the news or anything negative as she cant be around lot of negativity as it brings her down... I guess that is true of what I was doing to her! It's such a shame though as she could have been a nice friend to do things with like cinema etc which is what I really need as I'm in a new area with no real friends and a LO x

When I had depression, I had to withdraw from a couple of friends, because they are often so negative about things and it was dragging me further down. We're still friends but I don't see them anything like as often, because even though I am (mostly) not suffering depression these days, the gaps got filled with other people and activities.

Miss I think you need to think of this as a marathon and not a sprint. You can't really just decide to be good friends so early on and then make that happen, good friendships happen organically and over time, and rushing in with over-intimacy, invitations, and so on can be too much for some people. Also, sometimes it just doesn't work out, you find you don't have so much in common, or you don't want to dwell on that part of your life, sounds like that might have happened with this lady, she gave her advice, but doesn't want to become a one-to-one confidant at this stage in her own recovery.

However, this is a really tiny blip, you for sure need to get out there, go to some different mum and baby groups, zumba classes, back to work part-time, whatever you want to do and let friendships develop along the way.

Also, sometimes groups can be quite bitchy, I found my NCT group weren't very nice as a whole, they were individually quite nice people, but sadly one or two were really quite bitchy and I found they were raising their eyebrows or talking about me and another girl behind our backs (not very behind, I could see it!). It was my lovely husband who said why are you going out with these people? I realised I was just a bit desperate to make friends and I'd rather clung on when in fact, they weren't that nice.

This may not be the case here, it may be that they are lovely but with this lady it just didn't work out. I would let her know that you are getting treatment feel much better thank her for her help and now move on. If one of the other girls seems friendly, go for a coffee with them but take your time and decide who you would like to be friends with rather than just rushing in. And, you will have opportunities to make friends for years- school gate, nursery, if you return to work, so don't panic, it will happen.

Miss- i seriously have been where you are, multiple times! What have i learnt? Let things be, build gradually and keep busy without focussing on finding friends. I never made my closest friends directly - at nct group etc but accidentally thro chance meetings or friend of friend when i really hit it off with someone.
That saying "friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime" v true for all but the most sorted/extroverted, I'm sure. For me, nct group was firmly in the season category but then unexpectedly made lifelong friend at postnatal yoga when i wasnt looking!

Thanks everyone you all make a lot of sense. I really do just need to relax and just enjoy activities and as a result will make friends along the way... I would love to join the zumba class in my area but unfortunately I can't commit to going along at the same time each week as I'm a single mum and don't have any family nearby to babysit. My LO's father does see him a lot but not on set days as he works shifts which includes some evenings! Meaning I might only be able to make the class every other week or less x

Id be tempted to go down the route of dropping an email and saying thanks for listening to me and sorry if I went on too much, I was in a funny, hormonal place ( make light of it if you are worried you were too heavy). Say you are def feeling much brighter now and have turned a corner and then make a joke, so you wont have to listen to my moaning anymore ha ha! see you soon etc etc. Just as an aside I also don't thnk you need to apologise but if it makes you feel better..... Also I met a women who instantly used me as a therapist and she would ring me very late at night when I had a newborn and talk for hours as she was going through a difficult patch. It was difficult for me with other demands etc. I have 4 children but I recognised she needed support and didn't mind at all. We are now very very good friends years later and I dont' begrudge any of the time I gave to her ( and still give) as I know at times in our life we all need someone,so try not to worry too much. It may just be you being over sensitive. Good luck with your recovery, you'll get there x

It may be that she struggled with your problems if she had been a depressed in the past. She may have wanted to help but just found it too stressful and backed off for her own sanity. Like the others say, I'd gently being it up and thank her. Maybe give the group a chance but exit at the first sign of bitchiness - you don't need that with PND.

Some good advice on this thread especially seeing it is a marathon not a sprint. It's easy to have high expectations of making deep friends when you have babies and then to over-analyse when that doesn't happen. I think tbh I made better friends when I was trying less hard, so when DD was 2 or 3. (And then there is the school gates- Omg! Another nightmare!)
Hang in in there and try to relax about the whole thing if you can. In general the more people you meet the more likely you are to hit it off with someone, plus to enjoy it as you go along. Hth.

Thanks so much everyone for all your really helpful advice :-) I'm feeling better about it all xx