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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thoughts please on DH's ex

16 replies

KillashandraRee · 31/08/2013 06:18

DH and I have been together for 5.5 years and married for 1. We have DS and a currently TTC #2. All is very good in our relationship. Previous to our meeting he was with his ex on and off over a four year period. She is 8yrs younger than him and when discussing their relationship at the beginning both DH and others have referred to her as a stalker(!) When we got together she tried everything to spilt us up and has constantly tried to contact him throughout last 5 yrs. almost like clockwork every 2 months she will find some excuse to contact him. We've tried ignoring, tried being friendly but it still stats the same. Sometimes we are at social events together and she is always following DH around the room. She is currently seeing someone and a couple of months ago called DH to say they were moving in together. Yesterday she called him FROM SARDINIA to tell him she's got engaged!! I think it only happened the day before.
DH and I are both happy she's met someone but feel sad that she clearly hasn't moved on....DH tries to be kind about her behaviour but I can't help thinking that she's really wrong to call him. Instead of thinking that she's moved on I think it clearly shows she hasn't. Can anyone reassure me it might finally mean that she has?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 31/08/2013 06:20

Why does your dh pick up the phone to her?

She needs to be totally ignored. Unless they have children together.

He should change his number if needs be.

TheFallenNinja · 31/08/2013 06:23

He needs to stop being kind, it's not helping.

Original poster

KillashandraRee · 31/08/2013 06:24

He did ignore for about two years, she still emailed him at work. Then someone died in her family and she emailed him in bits about it and he felt guilty. She always tries different attacks to maintain contact e.g. If she's used up her sympathy contact and DH ignores her she will contact on a business pretext/ if business pretext has been used she will email re joint friend etc. it's almost as if she has a tick list of each topic to try and timetable of what to do when

OP posts:

Original poster

KillashandraRee · 31/08/2013 06:27

TheFallenNinja I've been saying the same since the beginning. I don't think he sees the pattern from a distance, he just evaluates each contact as a separate event. She's very clever at making each one seem utterly logical/ necessary...she's even tricked me into thinking she's moved on.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 31/08/2013 06:28

He could still ignore her regardless of what reason or means she's using to contact him.

Your dh is choosing not to ignore her therefore, even if she isn't still crackers about him, she believes it's okay to be in touch and tell him about important events in her life.

Buzzardbird · 31/08/2013 06:41

I think its important to see why she behaves this way. You said that their relationship was "on and off" for several years. Was this your dh's doing or hers? I suspect that she has become used to a pattern of contact then no contact and it has completely messed with her mental health. She must be suffering. Your dh needs to stop torturing her by allowing contact. She needs to be given the chance to get over him. I hope she does for all your sakes.
you are very patient. Your dh probably enjoys the attention but it must stop for everyone's sake.

Optimist1 · 31/08/2013 06:46

She's invested about 10 years of her life in your man, and has obviously honed her skills over the years so that she can push the right buttons without overstepping any legal mark (Restraining Order). In your shoes I'd be praying that her new man actually exists!! And, as Winky says, embarking on a new regime of ignoring her - emails and phone calls can and should be blocked. Your husband has served his time as supportive friend.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 31/08/2013 06:53

Is this how she used to get him back?

He needs to tell her enough is enough

tribpot · 31/08/2013 07:18

So to be clear, they have no children together?

If she emails him at work he can block the email address. He needs to be more determined to put her in the past.

ofmiceandmen · 31/08/2013 07:44

I must be in an over dramatic mood-

But

Your husband enjoys the attention even if he is not thinking of her that way
She may have been his 'go to girl' FWB (or whatever people call it) in the past, and she is still on hook
She is hovering waiting for a weak moment, a fight between you and DH or boredom to settle in.
This is fertile ground for a future affair and if you do not nip it in the bud now you are setting yourself up for problems.
She has known your DH longer than you have and has probably known him during his formative years before her settled on who he wanted to be, so she has the keys to his thought process, so she will win in the end unless she is cut out.

IMHO
Time DH flew his colours once and for all. He has to chose and let her go. If you are spending and emotional energy that could be better spent in your marriage, then she is already affecting your relationship.
People wonder where marriages begin to fail. It's moments like these.

TheFallenNinja · 31/08/2013 10:14

I would fully expect the her or me ultimatum here. Seems he doesn't want to choose.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 10:17

Your h isn't doing her any favours by keep responding to her

and I reckon he enjoys the attention on some level, sorry

I agree with mice and TheNinj

converselover · 31/08/2013 11:27

Theres being friends with an ex and then there's being a bunny boiler. BB is when its not welcome and they know it but sounds like your dp is ambivalent in his messaging with her. Insist he cuts contact or dump him.
Strategies; civil ones are ignore and don't respond or try polite but firm and direct message, in writing so she can mull it over and help herself move on. If she still don't get it, try the impolite and firm eg "f off bunny boiler". Latter was necessary with my dp and he's got kids but we have zero contact approach with her now. Well rid!

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 11:42

If your husband engages with her when she does get in contact, I'm not seeing anything particularly wrong in this woman's behaviour. From what you've said, the contact is fairly sporadic and assuming he's given the impression that he doesn't want to cut her out of his life completely, I fail to see what is so heinous about her informing him of big life changes or asking for the odd professional favour.

If on the other hand you think there's a risk of something still happening between them, the problem is with your husband and not her. If he made you feel secure and safe, her actions would either hardly register or at worse would feel like a minor irritant.

If he doesn't want any contact with her at all and wants to erase her from his life completely, he should tell her that straight. I'm assuming that as he hasn't, he does want to keep in contact with her and gets something from this situation.

Probably several things actually.

A buzz from her still needing him and your visible irritation and insecurity about it.

Look closer to home for the real problem.

AmberLeaf · 31/08/2013 11:55

She is only doing what he has shown her to be 'ok'

I would also be issuing an ultimatum.

sillyoldfool · 31/08/2013 12:03

She sounds as though she hasn't got over your DH, she probably still holds a torch for him, but that's not really her fault, emotions and feelings are what they are, you can't just magic them away.
She's been used to being in touch with him regularly for many years, she hasn't yet accepted that things have changed. She is probably just acting as she did during their 'off' periods in the past.
If your dh doesn't want to be in touch with her anymore then he needs to explain that clearly (but kindly) to her and then stop responding.
I don't see as the woman's done anything wrong.

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