Just found out H been online touting for no strings sex

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Last night i went onto H's email on i pad as i was checking for a response to a mail i'd sent on the i pad. I found lots of lingerie sites, which i knew he went on, but also one which turned out to be a site for no strings sex. I clicked on one of them and saw he'd got a profile, which didn't have a pic of his face, lets put it that way and that he'd winked at girls. He had only been on there a couple of days.

I went into auto pilot. It was midnight but i packed him a bag. He didn't leave and said he hadn't acted on it, and it was just an ego boost, but did admit he had got a problem with a certain porn site he says he goes on too often, i didn't know this either.

Im not angry or upset, i don't feel anything. Like I'm just detached. He opened up more to strangers about us than he has to me. He even offered to travel to meet those random women, but that they couldn't come to ours as he had a wife.

The bedroom side of things isn't great but we had been making in roads until recently when work got very stressful for me and i made myself vulnerable to him asking for him to step up around the house and by asking for emotional support. We are in a vicious circle, if I'm tactile, he sees it as a green light to grope me, so now to avoid us both feeling frustrated, i don't bother.

I don't blame him for going on line. I don't think either of us have been getting what we want out of the relationship, but my parents are divorced and i always wanted better for my kids. I also know it isn't right to stay together just for them.

Not sure if I'm over reacting, can we be fixed?

We both went to work today, he gave me a letter on the way home saying how he felt disgusted with himself and that he should have done more. I could also have done more, i started to pull back on the treats, going that extra mile etc but with 2 small kids, i was just so tired being a mum, working full time, looking after the house, being a wife without even having time to think about what i want. I have told him a number of times in the past that i could act more like his wife if i didn't have to act like his mum all the time.

Now i don't know what to do. We talked tonight and he has left. He didn't want to go. What do i tell the kids, i was just going to pretend he had to go out and take them away for the weekend. Am i just running away from it all? I don't have a very good sense of reasonableness, i really am one for the waifs and strays. He isn't a nasty bastard, he is not very confident in RL, so this is unlike him.

All comments welcome.

"i made myself vulnerable to him asking for him to step up around the house and by asking for emotional support."

:(

And he punished you for making those demands of him by looking for sex with other women.

Can you really be arsed with all the "work" that would have to go into building any kind of functional relationship with someone who could treat you like that?

He gropes you if you are affectionate but won't pull his weight at home?

Ugh.

Go to counseling. If your marriage has been dead for a while this is the final straw you have 2 choices 1) get counseling and impartial support and advice 2) LTB. DH and I had a similar issue when I was depressed a couple of years ago sex became 'awkward' felt like a 'grope' all passion was lost, he felt shut out and frustrated. There is a way to resolve this if you want to

I have just gone back into his emails and found lots of orders on sex websites, some for hard core stuff.

He has agreed that in watching porn his sense of 'normal' sex has gone awry and he felt like he was missing out on something he was entitled to.

I just feel like im being played. I dont like making demands on people, i never ask for emotional support, and can be a bit of a martyr in that respect, preferrinf to do it all myself.

I cant get into his bank details but would love to see how much he has been spending on all that shit, as what i have seen already runs into hundreds.

I think counselling is the best idea. Aibu to expect him not to stay in our house at the moment. I know i sound pathetic, i am confused.

Canihave some more, how did you work things out.

I really can't see why you are taking any responsibility for the fact that the man you're partnered with has been trying to hook up with multiple women and spend family cash on disgusting porn.

You allude to the fact that he is lazy around the house and has the seduction technique of a gorilla.

How could you possibly respect a man like that?

I wouldn't be getting counselling at all.

I'd be phoning a solicitor.

Things are ok now. I have my ups and downs of resenting him but he never acted on his fantasies Afaik. He chatted and wanked counseling in some ways made us more of a team, he knows my love is no longer unconditional and he will forever have to strive to keep my trust but we rebuilt the foundations which were shaky to start off with.... It's getting better as time passes. I've made changes too I am fitter, independent and more social than I used to be and I have protected myself and show him that I can be happy no matter what

I have told him a number of times in the past that i could act more like his wife if i didn't have to act like his mum all the time

What do you mean by this? What does a wife 'act like'?

A wife is: an independent woman, with her own thoughts and opinions, who chooses to live with a man whom she loves, respects, admires and trusts. She chooses to be faithful to him, to be honest with him and to communicate her needs to him. She chooses to share her life, her dreams and her fears with him in the safe knowledge that he will love, respect, admire and trust her. He will support and advise her and be an equal partner in raising children and running a household.

You should not have to 'act' like this. Be who you are.

Do not settle for less.

I cant believe what we have both become. I just dont know where to start to unravel the tangled mess in my head.

YANBU (I know it's not AIBU) to ask him to leave while the two of you sort things out as individuals.
I think it would help him greatly to focus his mind on what he needs to do to get back if you were to insist he leaves for the foreseeable.

Sorry but this is important:
Go and get yourself STD tested.

I suspect you are right about being played.
Go to individual counselling and do not do couples counselling until you no longer feel confused and as if your head is a tangled mess. It may well be that you don't want to bother with couples counselling after getting your mojo back via good counselling, and that is ok.

I would be looking at getting a solicitor too.

If you feel like you're being played you likely are. Stop also talking about you in "we" form as well as in can we be fixed. There may well be nothing fixable here in the end, what if you found such sites again. He did what he did for reasons beyond your own control. No-one coerced him to look at these websites; he chose to do so of his own volition.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; would you be wanting them to take in "waifs and strays" as their partners as well?. You also feel like you act like his mother. Co-dependency as well may be rearing its ugly head here, I would be reading up on that.

You seem to have major rescuing and or saving tendencies which likely go back a long way as well, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

You cannot save someone like your H who likely does not want your help or to be saved. You can only help your own self.

I would seriously consider counselling for your own self and alone to work out the above issues.

Seeking legal advice may be helpful to you so you know where things stand in the event of divorce.

1. Phone solicitor so you know all the facts, knowledge is power.

1. Individual counselling to work on yourself.

1. Keep him out of the house.

1. Once 1 and 2 underway, send him divorce papers.

If you ever waver, keep the thought in your head that you are teaching your kids about relationships and they are learning from your example, ie that you don't live with a misogynistic, cheating, disrespectful arsehole anymore.

IMHO he sounds an absolute mess and you sound like you are blaming yourself a bit because you are daring to ask him to help more around the house. It doesn't sound healthy.

I go along with other posters who suggest have some counselling to sort out your own head first before beginning couples counselling if that is the way you want things to develop.

Counselling would hopefully help you to figure out what is best for you and then decide if you want a relationship with this man and then if you are prepared to work with him. Obviously this is not a quick fix and I suggest a bit of space from him in the meantime would be a good thing.

Alternatively LTB as things may be so broken they cannot be repaired.

Thankyou for all of your replies. We have a counselling support facility at work which i will call on monday.

Fundamentally he has very different opinions to you. This may not be 'fixable'.

He genuinely believes that it is your responsibility to look after him, physically, emotionally and sexually. And he's got you thinking the same way. Is this how you were raised.

He genuinely believes that you should do all housework (including cooking his meals and washing his clothes) and he should not be expected to do any. I don't think you can change a mindset like that.

He genuinely believes that you should care for the children. It's a woman's role, not a parent's.

He genuinely believes that if you don't provide sex he is perfectly entitled to look for it elsewhere without discussing this with you. He really does think this is ok and a valid reason to look at porn and meet up with prostitutes.

You cannot change any of this. All you can do is come to realise that this is what he expects and, if you want to continue in this relationship, this is what you will have to accept.

If he wanted to change, he would.