I feel invisible

[amihere]

I am in my 50's with two young teenagers and have been married to DH for over 30 years. We have a fairly chilled life, no real drama and have had a happy marriage.

DC are increasingly independent apart from taxi services and have full lives. DH is really busy at work and invests a lot of time into the boys sports/activities. I work part time from home. I have plenty of friends.

So in theory I have nothing to complain about. However, just recently I have begun to feel more and more neglected and uncared for. DH often falls asleep on the sofa of an evening, the boys are out and about doing their thing, and my friends are also busy with their own lives.

If I instigate things my family and friends are happy to join me or join in with what I arrange but no-one does anything for me. If I want to do something I have to be the one making the arrangements. Everyone is happy to do things with or for me if I ask.

No one ever rings and says "hey amihere do you fancy....." DH never says "I've booked us something lets go out". No-one asks me how I am or what I want.

I feel taken for granted I think and sad that I dont feel special anymore. If I tell people how I feel they make the right noises, apologise and say they will make more effort and they might do for a day or two and then it slips back again very quickly.

Am I wrong to want some attention? Am I wrong to give everyone my time and attention and expect some back from them? Or am I just getting into grumpy old woman territory? Incidently when I try and tell my DH how I am feeling he really doesnt seem to understand and certainly has no idea what to say to make me feel better.

What would make you feel better?

I dont know.....people putting me first for a change? People arranging nice things for me? Them asking me what I want for a change instead of just going along with my ideas? Someone taking an interest in my life like I do for them.

OP, I'm sorry but it's not going to happen. My ex used to complain loudly to me about how we never did anything together as if was all my fault.

But he never made any attempt at all to arrange something. Never bought home flowers, never booked a restaurant, never arranged a babysitter... etc.

Even the loveliest children are inherently selfish and won't do it for you.

My advice is to give yourself treats. Go for a massage once a month. Buy yourself a book and some nibbles and say "I'm treating myself to a peaceful evening reading".

I am in a very similar position to you except a LP. I do understand - I too am invisible and will remain so until I get off my arse and do something about it.

Your life sounds great.
So many Mumsnetters would love it....
lovely, healthy dc
A happy marriage
Lots of friends.
Life is not perfect
Put it into perspective
Be grateful.
I'll probably be flamed for saying the above.
Sorry that I am a bit unsympathetic

Agree with twitterqueen - it's not going to happen like that. Everyone is so used to you doing the organising and thinking, that has become your role.

Trouble is if you don't know what you want then how will they? That invisible feeling isn't really their responsibility but more a factor of years of people-pleasing and the best way to dispel it is to start to develop your own life outside the family.

holly so because my life sounds nice I am not allowed to feel dissatisfied? Because other people have it worse than me I am not allowed to feel hurt?

You dont think I am allowed to want to feel like I am important to my friends and family? Or that it would be nice if someone thought about me for a change?

I am there for my friends. I help them all the time both practically and emotionally, is it wrong of me to want them to do the same for me?

I have always been strong, organised and pragmatic, thats my nature. But I have been feeling quite Low of late, and have said so, but no-one calls to see how I am or if I need anything - they only call if they need something from me. Even DH has got into that habit. This morning I was upset because of something that happened, he called a few minutes ago, told me about something that happened at work, asked how the boys were and what they were doing and then off he went. He didnt ask if I was ok or what I had been up to.

I know it sounds quite minor in the great scheme of things but that doesnt negate the fact that its making me miserable.

Sorry you have been feeling low, perhaps you would have had more sympathetic responses if you had mentioned that in the op . Of course you've got a perfect right to feel what you feel no matter what your circumstances are, there have been plenty of people who seemed to have it all and yet were desperately unhappy.

All in all though I think the advice would be the same - you are going to have to shout a lot louder and be a lot more upfront about how you feel and telling people what you need. We take on our roles in life, sometimes even get forced into them against our nature, and it takes some effort to break out.

It might not be fair but if they have always known you as the capable organising person it is understandable that they are slow to catch on. Tell your DH in plain words that you feel neglected and overlooked.

As you said above, the danger is that you will become sad and bad tempered and this resentment will sour all your wonderful relationships.

I would add something but frankly mrs wilberforce has it covered.

Have you actually ever sat down with your DH and said "I feel like I am invisible and you are neglecting me. We never do anything together and I am miserable?"

People are not always perceptive and sometimes they do need to be told, very bluntly.

I guess it depends on who you think is responsible for your own personal contentedness/happiness

Me ? I consider it my call

I insist on getting what I need and make a lot of fuss if I don't get it

Teenage kids taking advantage and acting selfishly ? Been there. Don't swallow your resentment, sort it out

Husband forgetting you have needs too ? Remind him this is a partnership

Friends daring to have lives of their own ? Invade them, or invite them into your own

this time of life is notorious for questioning "what else?"

it's a slippery slope, love, and the ones that slide down it often regret not putting a stop to it

I agree to an extent that your happiness and destiny lies in your own hands, but what I'm picking up from your posts is that actually, you're rather fed-up of taking charge of every situation and would welcome someone else taking the helm occasionally?

I do think the 'copers' in this world get a rough deal in life. Everyone expects them to soldier on and if they show a little vulnerability or fragility, it sort of 'scares the horses'! As though people know you don't 'do' meltdowns or wobbles and so it's discomfiting foor them and quite alien.

Teenagers have 'self-absorbed' in their job descriptions, but your husband, family and friends I feel need to take more responsibility for their relationships with you.

The advice I'm going to give you is to tell them what you need.

Tell your friends you'd like them to arrange more social get-togethers, rather than leave it to you every time. Ask them what barriers there would be to doing that.

Be explicit with your husband about how you're feeling taken for granted and not 'special'. Again, give examples of what you'd like him to do more often - and how you'd like him to be with you e.g. attentive, questioning, affectionate, present.

spot on, Francesca!

strong women are often perceived as not needing any concern, and people think you will arrange things if you want to, but if you don't want to get together, then you keep quiet - they don't assume it's up to them. I'm in a similar situation even though i'm single - always found it much easier actually to be straight with partners/exH, as you have certain 'rights' in relationships, than with friends or would-be friends!
I hate to think that I come across as needy and desperate for attention so I do suggest things but try not to bomabrd them.

result? I'm resentfull that I have to initiate everything, and revolve around them, it's SO nice when people ask 'how are you, do you want a coffee and a chat?', rather then respond to my initiative. I despair sometimes that this is too much to ask, it seems.

Amihere, i suppose my reply was because, due to my experience, when I felt life was not great, it then got an awful lot worse!!!