Feel like I have to ask him to to like me? Really down.

[chipsandmushypeas]

Sorry, didn't know how to title my post.

Been with DP for 4 years, have a dd aged 8 months. Since dd was born obviously our relationship has changed a lot. We're currently in counselling for a few problems which has been useful but I still feel very down.

Main reasons for this are:

He's very protective of his space/own time even though I go to bed early and he gets hours to himself playing online games with his friends etc. doesn't come to bed until 12-1am. Yet he never wants to spend time with me unless its to watch a tv show that he likes.

Never initiates sex, or wants sex unless its been 2/3 weeks and he's just craving it as its been so long :(
He said he's 34 now and just not that interested in sex anymore?! and doesn't think about it. He said he used to think about it everyday when he was in his 20s but doesn't now - this really upset me as I don't know if at 26 I can live like this for years to come?

Due to this and recently giving birth/body changes, my self esteem is pretty shot as I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore (he denies this) even though I'm in better shape than him. I just don't feel adored/desired/cherished. I feel like a good mum/cook

We had counselling yesterday and I brought all of this up and we set days where we would spend quality time together. All fine.

Today I've been in an awful mood and very down as I just feel like why should I have to set days for my partner to want to spend time with me? He also said this morning that he's feeling in the mood for tonight, well whoop-de-fucking-doo lucky me. I feel like shit and have been so upset.

Good points: the usual, great dad, affectionate, generous, hard working, helps out with housework etc.

Sorry it's been long and rambly :( could someone just stroke my head and tell me it will be okay?

Hi OP

I can't offer any guarantees but it's surprising (maybe not so actually) how many people post similarish situations to yours, and include "we have young DC".

Everyone is different but it seems a common theme that having kids changes everything, including things you weren't expecting.

That doesn't mean either of you are irreparably 'different' and you can't make it work anymore, just that you need to give it time to reevaluate your relationship.

FWIW DP and me are in sort of the same place as you.

At 26 you've got years and years in front of you - I think it's worth spending maybe one or two of those years trying everything you can to make this work. Or, if not, making sure there's nothing you could have done to make it work, no regrets.

PS on the sex front, were there any lean spells during pregnancy or post-childbirth?

If so it may need rekindling (ie if you go too long without sometimes you can just switch off from it). I wouldn't write it off as a loss straight away.

Sorry I cannot do that.

He has to want to put the work in to make this work, you cannot carry a relationship on your own. Only four years into this relationship and counselling for ongoing issues is not great is it?.

Why are you together now really?.

You're 26; he seems old before his time, he prioritises his friends over you and you're also in an almost sexless relationship to boot. Where do you see yourself in a year's time, still together or apart?. Honestly from what you write you'd be better off without this man being around.

He comes across as both emotionally immature and entitled. A manchild if you will. Manchildren do not change. You do not get a look in. You sound like you've become his housekeeper/pet dogsbody.

Your good points re him contradict your post; he's never really around so how can he be affectionate?. I would expect him to do some housework (what does he do exactly?).

His friends and gaming get greater priority, he is certainly not generous with his time. He is patently NOT a good dad either if he treats you like this. I don't think he can be bothered with you to be honest and he is certainly a poor role model to your child.

Importantly as well what do YOU get out of this relationship now?. Your good points re him do not mention what you get from this. Also women often write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Re your 8 month old DD, what would you think and feel if she ended up with someone like this person in a relationship?. You'd probably feel sickened. Think carefully too about her, what lessons on relationships do you want to impart to her?.

could someone just stroke my head and tell me it will be okay? that's what you want from him really isn't it - have you told him you'd like him to do that?

Thanks for the replies.

I feel torn between wanting to give it a go and Attillas post.

He said he is going to put more time into 'us' and proposed Mondays and Fridays there will be no phones/games/friends just us.

I just feel so fucking sad that I have to be scheduled into his life. To quote the Stone Roses, I wanna be adored by someone.

I started reading 'Women who love too much' and I fit in perfectly with wanting to fix men and service them but then My needs are never met.

I don't think he'll ever fundamentally change. He was like this when we got together but not so much, I thought I could change him (another trait from the book). I was younger and naive about relationships when I got with him.

If I got with someone like that now, I would be off very quickly as my needs have changed and standards have risen now I've got older.

Atilla other good points are we do generally get on well. He makes me feel secure, he's loyal, we have the same sense of humour and enjoy a good laugh. He is affectionate as he works from home so will always cuddle/kiss me but I feel like its mixed messages as it never leads to anything more

I was going to ask you whether you have read "Women who love too much" because you seem like you still do so. This is a pattern you must yourself break otherwise you will keep on doing this. It also sets a poor example to your child because she could well grow up to do the same in her relationships as well.

How can you describe him as loyal also when his primary loyalties seem more geared towards his friends and gaming?. You are slotted into his life when he feels like it. He is not relationship material and likely never will be decent relationship material because he is at heart a manchild.

If such a manchild as well makes you feel "secure" then it makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up as such patterns are learnt in childhood. He is NOT your project to rescue and or save!!!. You cannot fix this nor should you try to. Acting as either a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship simply does not work.

You do not have to stay with him now even though you have a child together; staying for the child will do you and she no favours whatsoever.

You won't be 26 forever and the years can pass by very quickly. Do not waste your life on such a person. By staying with this man as well you are stopping yourself from meeting someone who is actually worthy of you.

I agree with your post, especially the last line. I know I deserve better. I want to see if this scheduling of us time brings us closer. He said he needs a schedule or he will get complacent and forget. But said that hopefully it will help us spend more time together during the week.

He seems very on board to change. It just really gets me down that he's not very 'into me' but maybe it's because he's not a relationship person, like you said.

Wow - so you get Monday and Friday and his friends and hobbies get the other 5!!!
That is total madness in my eyes.
He can have 'his' time Monday and Friday and you get all the other time.
What do you do together on a Saturday and Sunday?
At 34 he has no sex drive!? I know everyone is different but if this is a new thing maybe he needs to see his GP.
What about him makes you feel secure? From your posts you don't sound secure to me. But maybe that's just me?
Others will a lot more experience will be along soon but you really need to look at what YOU want from a relationship. You are very young still and need to move onto better things if this isn't it!
I'd want a heck of a lot better than 2 nights a week!

Perhaps I'm feeling pretty chilled out because it's Friday, but this thread seems to be heading in a very over-dramatic direction! The OP has a 8 month old baby, it's a super tough time in any relationship. Having counselling is a positive thing, not a sign of a downward spiral, and I would follow their advice. You say:

"Today I've been in an awful mood and very down as I just feel like why should I have to set days for my partner to want to spend time with me? He also said this morning that he's feeling in the mood for tonight, well whoop-de-fucking-doo lucky me. I feel like shit and have been so upset."

Sounds like he is following professional advice and giving it a go.

Is there anything you can do to cheer yourself up a bit, things you like doing that make you feel good? Sounds like you need a break and some 'meee' time. Other than that is there any chance you have PND? I did for ages and was not aware of it, despite the tests they give you etc....

Perhaps your relationship is doomed and you should leave him, but perhaps it isn't and you should not? I am only attempting to add a bit of balance to what seems like a very negative set of responses to your original post.

This however, ignores the facts that:-
a) he likes his personal space even though OP goes to bed early
b) he spends hours to himself online or gaming
c) OP feels like a good Mum/cook
d) seemingly only spends time with OP when there is a tv show on that they both like
e) he is not interested in sex any more?. (Or just not interested in sex with OP anymore?).

Why does he need a schedule in the first place and how long will it be before he starts bleating about it?. OP only getting Monday and Friday as joint time is a bum deal no matter how long they have been together.

I still argue that 4 years in and with such problems is patently not a good basis for any relationship.