DH dont want to listen anymore

[Emily1974]

Just want some advice between me and my DH. We haven't been talking since last night as we had an argument about DS (6)'s best friend mum keep boasting everthing about his son, he basically is "gifted" in EVERYTHING according to her, he is in top groups of everything in school and he is doing well in all sports. DS always been a bit slow on picking up / understand things around him. He hates school, he finds it hard and is at the bottom groups and she knows about it.

She keeps asking for playdates and I dont want to stop DS playing with his best friend neither. The way I cope with this mum is to talk to my DH afterward just to "get it out of my chest" and I always able to let go afterward (only take less than a minute to tell him what she said on the day). However DH stopped wanting to listen to it because he thinks I should stop having playdates with this friend and stop being negative DS being less advance. I honestly don't know whether it is me being negative or him not wanting to accept it.

Now I don't have anyone to talk to, I can't stop them being best friends, I have no excuses to say no for playdates as I am a SAHM. I don't know how to deal with the bad feelings after each playdates anymore. Any advice/suggestions?

I agree with your DH. If its bothering and upsetting you that much then stop the play dates. FFS your kids are only 6! Who cares if he doesn't know his alphabet yet or is not on the highest reading grade. Its not academic achievements that will make him a good honest rounded person.

The thing is, I can understand that you need to vent but I can also understand your DHs point of view. What your sons bestfriends Mum says only gets to you because you let it. Mums are bound to sing their childrens praises. Your sons bestfriend may be gifted however they are only 6 and, really, how they are getting along at school now does not mean that much. Literacy and numeracy skills are basically a code and some crack the code earlier, the same with physical skills; some kids develop earlier than others but they all eventually catch up and are more or less at the same level eventually (unless we are talking about a child genius). Plus, children are just small people and all have their own skills and abilities. For example, I have 3 kids, the eldest is not academic at all and hates school but is a mean BMXer, the middle one is middle of the road academically but is a natural horserider and loves animals whereas my youngest sounds like your DSs bestfriend. I value them all for their differences and their own personalities.

You can spend your energy being concerned about whether they are 'making the grade' at school but, really, it is pointless. If you are negative about your son being less advanced then maybe your DS is picking up on this and that is why he hates school? Perhaps you need to try to not compare the two boys and also to realise that the other boys Mum is going to be proud of her son for his skills and abilities and perhaps you should feel the same about your DS for his?

forumdonkey, I suppose you are right but I really have to try hard to think of an excuse for playdates.

saggyhairyarse, I think you misunderstood. I am not concerning DS's grade in school at all. I am proud at him as I know he tries, I wouldn't ask for more. I can understand parents want to show off their children's achievements, nothing wrong at all but when someone constantly boasting (literally every conversation is about her DS being the best) despite knowing your friend's DS is no where near, it is rather rude, annoying and upsetting.

Didn't realise that they had 'top and bottom groups' for subjects at the age of 6?? Never heard of that before.

You don't have to be friends with his best friends Mum jusst because your boys are friends. I'm not friends with my DS's best frieds Mum. Can't you take it in turns to have the children over for playdates rather than the 4 of you together?

The other alternative is to let the mothers comments go over your head. Smile and nod and think to yourself 'here we go she's off again!'

One of my bf DS was academically a high achiever from nursery but he was an obnoxious disrespectful little twunt and still is now as a young adult and has given her a lot of grief and heartache, where as my lower achieving DS is a wonderful kind young man who I'm very close to.

MexicanHat, I don't go to hers when DS is invited but I can't tell her not to stay when her DS is invited to ours. She also keep insist me to go over for a cuppa so I do occasionally too. I guess I just have to stop going once and for all!

forumdonkey, I've been giving the "hints" since long ago, I don't even give the smile, I just don't respond!

I guess it's not fair for my DH to hear me moan every playdate, I just have to avoid as much playdates as I can and learn to be more tolerant. :)

It must be really frustrating for you to deal with this woman's boasting. I'm guessing raising it with her isn't something you feel comfortable doing so I would advise avoiding her when you can and as you are doing just try not to react or let her comments get to you.

In terms of your DH if he is anything like mine he probably gets annoyed that this upsets you and hears you vent after every meeting but there is nothing he can do to fix it/he has advised you what he thinks you should do. He might not understand that you just need to vent and that makes you feel better. Sorry it's very "men are from mars women from Venus" but I think it's one of the main things that can lead to minor annoyance between partners - you just wanna get it off your chest and that is what makes you feel better but he feels like you want a solution to the problem and gets frustrated when you don't act on his advice. I know my DH gets annoyed when I tell him the same thing again and again (as in at different times) as he's like "I know you've told me". Also if he can't help change what's bugging me he gets frustrated when actually I just wanna moan about it as it helps me process it and move on. That might make no sense sorry!

Well, you now know you can come and moan on here . I think I would harden my heart when she doesn't drop her DS and go - the play date is for the boys, and she isn't a friend of yours. Stop offering /making a cuppa (which I imagine, being a polite person, you do), and say ' I'm afraid l cant chat today got things to do, would you like to pick him up @ (time)?'

misskatamari, I think you are spot on! Thanks for being understanding. :)

Walkacrossthesand, it's a shame, wouldn't that be nice to have guest who you can have some adult conversation with. Unfortunately I have to start distant myself to her from now on! Thanks for advise :)

Ah, ok, I thought by you saying your DH thinks you should be less negative about your DS not being so advanced that you think he isnt keeping up with his peers and were concerned about that because you weren't sure if you were being negative or your DH wasnt accepting your DSs level at school.

Anyway, I think you have 3 options:

1. Grin and bear it.
2. Avoid spending time with the other parent.
3. Be honest and tell the other mother how you feel.

Personally, I would go with No 2, I spend enough time with my kids that I dont want to spend my time chatting with other parents about children (bar humbug)!