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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Only joking!' Was this guy using humour as a way of undermining me?

44 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 29/08/2013 23:19

I am a trained teacher and I work in education. I just spent the evening with a guy (second date) who went on and on taking the piss about the long holidays that teachers get and that he thought that teachers should stop moaning about cuts as they have it so easy. Mabe he's right but I felt that he's undremining my profession. Dump right? I think I will as I hate all this 'lets take the piss and yet say only joking when you get defensive.'

OP posts:

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 30/08/2013 00:26

I'd

ImpulsePineapple · 30/08/2013 01:21

Gosh, I wonder why he's single...

Next!

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 07:42

I am not the best teacher at all -im quite crap at it actually! But im looking for someone who likes me for me....I feel bad enough about my job situation at the moment anyway (I do learning support as am struggling to get back in the profession) and I need someone who is on my side. Someone lke this would always be against me.

OP posts:

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 07:43

Funnily enough hes an accountant! I dont see it as boring though...I see stability. He came across as having a chip on the shoulder!

OP posts:

Ubud · 30/08/2013 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 07:53

Well im more of a struggling teacher atm. I get outstanding as a mark but cant get promoted..It dosnt really matter though in terms of romance ...im not going to choose my partner based on how good they are at their job....although I would respect them for it .

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 30/08/2013 08:04

I'm a teacher and it's not so much what he was saying but the fact he was saying it on a second date....along with taking the piss out if your tan etc etc......dienst sound like intelligent, stimulating chat??!! And yes, I think it would get worse over time and end up bloody annoying. If that's him trying to impress you, forget it!!!

GrandstandingBlueTit · 30/08/2013 08:11

I wouldnt dump yet.

But why not?

There's plenty more fish in the sea. She's been on two dates. She has enough of the measure of the man to know if their senses of humour are in any way compatible. They clearly are not.

Where does his notion that any sort of crumb of a potential relationship; any sort of eejit of a man is better than being single?

Why get in any further? Why pursue it? The OP doesn't need to, so why not just leave him for someone else who might find his annoying traits deeply attractive.

Bant · 30/08/2013 08:15

I think it doesn't necessarily mean he's a twat, although he probably is. Second dates are the where you move on from working out if you might fancy each other, to working out if you like each other and your senses of humour are similar. If you'd come back with a riposte about him being an accountant and wound him up about that, he may have been delighted or he might have been offended.

If offended, he's a twat, if delighted, he's more into mutual piss taking.

But obviously your sense of humour isn't the same as his, so there's no point seeing him again, no matter whether he's just a sarky bloke or an arse.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 08:39

The trouble is imo this piss taking is emotional abuse dressed up as 'only joking!' In any case I know he was deadly serious when he said tgat teachers should stop moaning and accept the cuts like anyone else. To which id replied id been on strike! I have a sense of humour....I like teasing and to be teased. I do not like criticism dressed up as teasing. There are plenty of ways of teasing that are funny and sexy.. .this wasnt an example of that!

OP posts:

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 08:43

Also the trouble with thisbkind of humour is that you never know if it is humour or just a bit too close to the bone. My ex used to banter with me....it was great because it wasnt criticism.

OP posts:

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 30/08/2013 08:49

You have your answer. Sounds like its too much. My ex did the same and i found it irritating. Always best to know when the jokes on you.
I suggested talking to him first about how you feel as Im a bit passive like that, thinking he could have been nervous. However, you know how it was delivered and if you got the no feeling, then stay well clear. Good luck.

Vivacia · 30/08/2013 08:52

I couldn't be doing with this. I want a partner who treats me with respect and kindness in all ways, including talking to me with kindness. My partner and I laugh a lot, we take the micky out of ourselves often, but the humour is never at the expense of the other one.

whitesugar sounds like teaching's a doddle. When are you going to go in to teaching?

lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2013 08:54

Yes, jokes are funny, the first time. After that, or if not funny at all, they are not jokes.

I don't like people who need to put others down to feel good about themselves. I might have asked him what was it about his job that made him feel really fulfilled and proud.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 30/08/2013 09:05

On a second date I'd expect the guy to be respectfully interested in me, my profession and interests etc. if he was taking the piss, well that's not very respectful. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect respectful treatment as a minimum.

Lovingfreedom · 30/08/2013 09:07

If this is his best attempt at humour dump him. Tell him you are looking for a GSOH.

Original poster

superstarheartbreaker · 31/08/2013 09:44

I told him why I was upset and I got an apology ; he said that he did admire the way that I was juggling my career with being a single mum and he didn't mean it like that. He did say he didn't get why I was upset about the 'suntan ' comment as he was just stating the facts. To which I replied that as a grown women I DO know the facts but I can choose to ignore them if I wish. Still not going there as I don't want a dad; I want a boyfriend but the apology was nice.
I once had a boyfriend whho was overly concerned with my health and his vegan macrobiotic diet almost killed me hence my waryness of any lifestyle dictators! I just want to rebel, eat bacon, smoke and sunbathe all day on a bed of lard when around such men!
I sometimes wonder if these men are aware if they come across as controlling?

OP posts:

BreeWannabe · 31/08/2013 12:58

That's awful. How rude. No one should comment, jokingly or otherwise, on someone else's profession unless they've actually worked in it.

I'm also a teacher and once dated someone who said similar. This was not the reason I ended it, but it was a major red flag and for me was indicative of a general lack of respect for me.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/08/2013 13:06

Red flag for woman-hating arsehole. He considers you his inferior and all the negative comments were a way of putting you in your place and trying to train you to think that his opinion of you is the most important thing. Dump and move on. You have nothing to lose by dumping him, you owe him nothing - and getting rid now saves time and possible future unhappiness.

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