how to stop dodgy friendship eroding my sense of self

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Me married with kids, him too. Friends for a few years as couples then we somehow started communicating with each other separately to our partners. Started hanging out with kids eventually. A definite spark.
It has now been three years of this. I experience all the highs and lows of such an impossible crush. Have managed to get my emotions somewhat under control but I still communicate with him constantly and see him with kids every week. Our partners are aware of the friendship and it has only caused minor problems once or twice when we've gone out drinking together. Nothing has happened except partners' egos bruised.
I have worked very hard to become just a buddy and make it clear how committed I am to my partner. He has as well.
no feelings for one another have been declared ever apart from the odd compliment here and there.
He now acts like we are buddies in person but still messages me constantly (and I him) and arranges to meet up. He even showed up somewhere he knew I would be but pretended it was a surprise (it wasn't, I'm sure of it).
I tried to confront it head on recently saying it wasn't a completely honestvfriendship (meaning dishonest to our partners). He ignored this, hates confrontation.
I don't want to lose the friendship but I want to not experience these emotional upheavals. I believe strongly men and women can be friends and that humans aren't naturally monogamous. That doesn't mean I'd act on my feelings or declare them to him, just that I understand it is normal.

I would ask myself 2 questions...

Do you fancy him? Close your eyes & imagine yourself kissing him... Is it a omg no? Or a hmmmm? Maybe or a yessss! Type feeling?

Could you cease all contact if you were asked to?

I do believe men & women can just be friends but also aware feelings get confused sometimes & mistakes happen, if there is a chance that could happen isn't the friendship risking your relationship with your partner.

As long as the 'spark' is secret, you are probably going to lapse back into this borderline flirty, EA mode of interacting.

Would you tell your partner? If not, why not?

Because once you do, there would be no going back: you'd have to stop seeing him or change the relationship fundamentally. Clearly, he isn't going to change it, so you have to decide how much you want to and how best to do it. In your place, I hope I would have the courage to stop seeing him.

If you aren't going to do that, then I suggest:

(i) stop the messages. See him with the children (but not alone), but don't be in constant contact;

(ii) increase contact with your partner. There must be an extent to which spending all this time and attention on friend has meant switching it away from your partner, so reverse that;

(iii) ignore any complaints your friend has about this. Tell him this is how it is, you felt things were out of balance and your relationship with your DP is your primary focus again.

Are you partners aware that you are constantly messaging each other? You have admitted you have a crush on him and that you are both being dishonest to your partners. You are already having an emotional affair. I'm surprised neither of your partners have kicked up more of a fuss if you spend such much time together tbh.

This is not a friendship.

Psychologically, if you stop minimising what is an emotional affair and call it what it is instead of this euphemistic term 'friendship' it might help you to see the danger and take action.

Of course he hates confrontation. Doesn't every woman whose husband had an affair say on here that the cheating man was always crap at facing up to realities and dealing with them?

But it doesn't matter what he's like. You must take control of this and put a stop to something that is manifestly unfair to two partners and two lots of children.

Thanks for your replies.
When I close my eyes and imagine kissing him it is lovely but my partner's sad betrayed face interrupts so I try not to imagine such things. I also know how horrible it would feel afterwards. So yes I know I am well and truly smitten but have managed to fight it for so long.
I believe this is a friendship now. No drinking, seeing one another only with kids and/or partners (although surely coffee alone once in a while is ok if partners ok it).
We support one another's partnerships and families, babysitting etc...
surely something nice is salvageable here? Also hpw to do this without continuing to damage myself and others emotionally would be great. Surely this is achievable?

You fancy him and are having an emotional affair which is not fair to all concerned, you know that though.

Just to add, I have and do throw myself into my relationship with dh. He is lovely and we have great things together emotional, physical and social. He works full time and friend works from home part time so friend is more available to socialise with in tje daytime. I am on maternity leave and otherwise have a very rich and fulfilling career plus hobbies and a lovely social circle. I am not lacking anything external. it is the interior emotional psychological world which needs work. That and I also have this ridiculous ideal that monogamy can be extended to allow for other kinds of love in one's life. I would wish the same for dh and desperately want to learn how to cope with things such as jealousy etc. Am I making sense?

Sorry OP but you are deluded. Why do you even want a coffee alone with this man when you admit you are smitten with him? I think you want something to happen. You are constantly messaging other each behind your partners backs!! You are asking for trouble imo. Do you suspect he feels the same way? Why don't you have a closer friendship with his wife?

You are infatuted, in love with him, and happy with the addictive cycle of texting, contact, the 'what ifs', the longing. I wouldn't be happy whatsoever if my husband had spent his time as a stay at home dad like this, basically besotted with another person. If you really wanted to throw yourself into your relationship with your husband, you would not see this guy because you can't see him without all this besotted crush stuff. Same if I get a crush at work, I don't indulge it further and text all the time!

It's also very fantasy-based at a difficult time in your life, I'm sure the reality of life together would be very different, but that's not the purpose this serves.

I think the key thing is you can't have told your husband how much you text and that you want to extend monogamy into loving others (but not having sex) otherwise he'd have called you on it.

It's up to you of course, but I would not be happy being second best while my husband skipped about in the local park having play relationships with others while I was out at work all day and I'm guessing yours wouldn't too.

And hiding behind the 'men and women can be friends' is just a bit cowardly, given I'm sure you'd like to be much more and that's what the whole texting/longing/blah is all about.

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, I just think you are kidding yourself and I would be upset if someone did that to me. I would not be upset if my husband fancied someone else, flirted with them for 5 seconds or looked forward to seeing his friends, but once they started to replace me as the source of romantic interest and excitement I'd be extremely angry and consider it like an affair. I'd also find it insulting, as I'd be the second best boring one.

Thanks. He hasn't replaced her. And I haven't replaced dh. We both do all our romantic stuff with our partners. Our communication isn't flirty it is humorous. And most importantly dh is a much better catch than my friend is in my eyws. So while my juvenile mind might crave something more, the sane adult does not. But equally I don't want to cut someone out if it is possible to save it in some form. This may be deluded.but I am now three years into this friendship that has alternately felt like fun and like self harm

If you're going to change the monogamy parameters in your relationship, you'll need to negotiate that openly.

But I think all that's a complete false trail because it sounds to me like you'd just be seeking a free pass to get involved with this man, who given the fact that he's conflict avoidant, would no more negotiate an open relationship with his wife than fly to the moon.

The dangerous thing here is that things have changed. You're on maternity leave so have more time to meet up- and he has started 'accidentally bumping into you' at places you go.

If it was all above board and okay, you wouldn't be keeping so much secret from your partners and you've already let this relationship cause them angst and pain because they've both raised concerns.

So no. It's not salvageable. And it's not a friendship at all.

Women and men can be friends, yes, but not IMO if either or both fancies the other. Then it's something else entirely. I agree with PPs, if you don't want things to get messy and people you care about to get badly hurt, distance yourself from this now.

Thanks everyone you are saying what I need to hear. For what it's worth I've tried nc in the past and it hasn't worked. He isn't even so great especially as he is willing to develop this friendship with me. Which isn't to say I'm innocent in this.

Stop pretending this is 'friendship'.

Really? People hanging out together doing childcare collectively, speaking positively of their vibrant family lives and partners, helping the other's family out, providing emotional support and laughter isn't friendship?

So yes I have a major long term crush on him but the only one I see myself harming is me. There is no way i would ever act on these feelings (which i know to be delusional fabrications of my own anyway). And that's why I've posted. There was a time when this was harming my partner but that stopped.

So besides nc, which hasn't worked, what can I do? O already don't idealise him so picturing him on the toilet or whatever is unnecessary. Should I tell my dh? Should I tell him in hopes it makes him run a mile and starts to avoid me or is that avoiding responsibility?
This all sounds so childish. I really am a grown woman with a proper life what is my problem!

I wouldn't tell him OP, it could and probaby would open up a whole can of worms. In your position I also wouldn't tell DH. Maybe NC can't work for you because you go out as 2 couples but you should definitely cut out the non-stop messages and meeting alone. All future contact should be when both of your partners are present too.

When do you go back to work? You don't sound childish btw, far from it. Don't beat yourself up, it happens to the best of us. I am speaking from experience.

Thanks MH. I go back in a few months. It would be very strange and obvious to stop the messaging. He will want to know why. Do I just not answer? Then what happens to the playdates? He is the only stay at home parent I know. All my friends work. I would be totally isolated. I know I'm making excuses here. Or maybe I just avoid one to one? That's easy to do.

Thanks also Eldritch and Mumsy

surely coffee alone once in a while is ok if partners ok it

Only if partners who are 'ok-ing' it have all the relevant information, so in your husband's case, know the nature and the strength of your feelings for him.

And no contact 'didn't work'? Come on, OP, that's disingenuous.

Saying the friendship has felt lovely but also like self-harm sounds very worrying, as does your feeling of isolation and an interior emotional landscape that needs work.

I didn't quite understand you saying you have a lovely social circle but also that you would be totally isolated if you stopped contact with this man. Do you think that you have focused on him to the exclusion of other social contacts? Is he prepared to see you with other friends and their children included in the arrangements?

To summarise: you are ambivalent about this intense relationship which is at once exciting and frightening. You haven't and can't tell your DH the truth about it. You can't stop doing it and the other person has ignored your attempts to reduce contact. You feel that without this man you would be completely isolated. You say It would be very strange and obvious to stop the messaging. He will want to know why

I think you would be better off if you did stop the messaging and looked into seeing a therapist to explore,in a safe and confidential place, how on earth you got here and where you want to go. (I've had therapy, I recommend it, please don't think I'm being unkind or dismissive by suggesting it to you).

Thanks Eldritch. I have been in therapy for years, with some excellent therapists and have been exploring this very issue with my current ome extensively for a while.
It isn't contradictory to say I have a good social circle and would be isolated. My social circle exists in other spaces...they work or do things other than caring for children all day. Things were easier when I was not on maternity leave.
Nc didn't work because I broke down and checked his messages or contacted him. This is a kind of self harm. It is troubling and relates to tons of personal stuff of mine that I have been dealing with for years.
I know what you mean about partners okaying it with full knowledge. You're right it is emotionally dishonest. I think my partner can probably guess how I feel and I don't know how my friend feels letvalone how his partner feels. But you are right about this.

How about this 'sorry.... I can't see you anymore because our friendship is inappropriate.' You maybe need to get back into therapy, some of your ideas are immature and irresponsible, also selfish. Stick with one therapist and work it through.