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Original poster

SEX - is this selfish??? sorry if TMI

27 replies

regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 16:44

This afternoon, dh and i had sex in the lounge as ds is with his uncle for few hours. Dh said 'go on then, put on some sexy gear' so i did. We then 'did it' and it was hurting me - has been from behind recently for some reason! In fairness, I didn't tell dh to start with and haven't done before so he didn't know. He did keep asking if it was hurting so was caring but then he'd get carried away and just keep pounding. Usually it doesn't take long (which I don't mind actually) but we're having to use protection at the moment so it took longer (he looses his feeling). In the end we decided to take it off and carry on and then very quickly he was coming - just came all over my back. He cleaned my back, went upstairs, came back down and started watching tv again. Never spoke. I was p'd off as I hadn't come - he didn't play with me and I never come through penetration.

Anyway, I came down feeling disgusting. I don't know why as I used to have an extremely high sex drive and was happy to do dirty things but I felt totally used because he did nothing for me.

We're now not talking because I HATE the feeling when I don't come, just makes me feel used. I would never want to have sex with dh and feel he didn't get something out of it iyswim (i.e. if he goes numb and can't come, I feel awful as I did). I'm more annoyed this afternoon as it hurt and he came on my back without asking first.

I think this is my problem because I had a period in my teenage years where I let men just use me for one night stands, I was a bit messed up at the time.

Tell me I'm being totally stupid for feeling this way. I do like 'quickies' but I like to feel something too iykwim.

Don't know why I'm posting here really, just needed to get it off my chest I suppose. I've told him loads before that I don't like it when he decides not to bother with me yet every now and then he does it.

Rant over Grin

OP posts:
oxocube · 18/06/2006 16:50

erm, lots of info here! Is this for real? Very sorry if offending a regular poster Sad

Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 16:53

Don't worry, not offended. I promise I'm not a troll. It's just that I have a couple of friends on here in RL and I really don't want to be exposed with this subject iyswim Blush.

I think maybe I'm being stupid for being so bothered but why the hell should men be able to have a quick 'shag' and sod the women. I personally like to get something out of it or not bother at all!!

Maybe I didn't need to go into so much detail but I felt I wanted to explain why it had bothered me so much this time!

OP posts:
TooTicky · 18/06/2006 16:55

Oh, poor you!

mousiemousie · 18/06/2006 16:55

why not discuss this with dh?

Gingeme · 18/06/2006 16:59

I know exactlywhat you mean babe but if your dh usualy 'helps you along' either during or after this may just be a one off. Think yourself lucky you do come every if not most times cause I dont! I guess every woman is made differently. Im the same as you when he just thinks he enjoyed it so then I must have and you start fuming and thinking ' how bloody selfish'. The best thing you can do(when youve calmed down though) is talk to him about it. Dont let it stew cause nect time you will be thinking' oh wonder if hes gonna do it like that again and you wont enjoy it. If your relationship is strong enough and you can talk to him like that then give it a go. He might suprise you and say sorry I didnt realise then youll thank yourself for telling him and hell be more attentive next time. It does work honest Smile xx

Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 17:02

I know this is really nothing compared to a lot of stuff going on in this section but it really has bothered me.

Dh has just come downstairs and went to storm out for a fag in the garage (as I've had a go upstairs so now he's p'd off). I said 'can we talk about this', I told him how I felt and he said 'I think it's your hormones again' Shock He ALWAYS says this to get out of it. It's not my hormones. I've just had my period so not PMT. I again told him how I felt and he said 'thought it was my fathers day present' Shock and I said I never mentioned this was a present, HE DID and I also asked him how he'd feel if on mothers day, he played with me, made me happy, went to do the business and I said 'oh no, you can't put it in, it's MY Mothers Day present' - He's walked out.

Is it me or is he being an arse?!

OP posts:
Gingeme · 18/06/2006 17:04

Hes being an arse Angry

Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 17:06

Gingeme - you're right, I need to calm down. I am fuming though. This happens often enough for it to bother me. Today's the worst because of the whole way I felt after. Every time I try and explain how I feel he just looks at me blank.

Sometimes I've really not been in the mood at night - tired, you know - and he's started playing and got me in the mood and then just gone in without bothering to finish. That bothers me as he gets me all worked up when I didn't want to and then doesn't finish it. Angry

I need to calm down!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 17:07

I'm going to tell him what a DIRTY OLD MAN he is Grin (he's 15 years older than me) Hopefully he'll feel digusted with himself - I doubt it though!

OP posts:
oxocube · 18/06/2006 17:13

sorry regular!Do you think this is better left for now (or at least the next couple of hours) until you can talk to your husband properly? I have had lots of rows as result of sheer temper which would have turned into more productive 'discussions' if left a while so we could both cool off. Is this is a regular occurrence? Personally (and this is only my opinion so please don't be offended), I think the odd selfish shag is fine for men and women, as long as you can talk/laugh about it. Its only when it is the norm that it is a big problem imo.

oxocube · 18/06/2006 17:14

sorry, took too long to poat and didn't read your last one!

Gingeme · 18/06/2006 17:23

Sounds like youve made your mind up to turn this into a row regular. It could go on for days and doesnt realy solve anything. Men can be a bit thick when it comes to womens needs but they can be trained even after a few years. My dh always used to go for my boobs , which since breast feeding 3 babys(number 4 on the way) I realy dont appreciate then he goes straight for my belows. Every time was the same till I said' I have got a bit in the middle you know!. Since then he touches all of me and its so much better now. Please think hard how and where you want this to go babe or it might end up worse than it realy is .

Original poster
Regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 17:34

You're right. It's just that I hate all this selfishness. There's other things that makes him selfish but won't go into that right now.

We had a relate session recently as for many other reasons, I wanted to finish. I love him to bits and we decided to make it work. Things have been better since the relate session but it was only the consultation, we are still waiting for regular appointments.

I have really tried to tell him how I feel in the past but I suppose it is always after being really heated first. If we can't sort this out when we've calmed down, I think maybe it's worth mentioning at the relate sessions when we go. I'd like him to HEAR me when I explain how I don't like it (he seems to switch off with anything I say that's negative - looks a bit like a lost puppy!!)

Right, thanks for calming me down. I just needed to be told I was making too big a deal of this. I think next time he pleases me and then go to 'you know what' I'll just get up and go downstairs or something Grin see how he feels!

OP posts:
Gingeme · 18/06/2006 17:46

Ok didnt realise it went deeper. Sorry. Also sometimes it sounds better coming from a 3rd party like a counciler. Im a bit like that Im afraid. People I know or who are related to me might give me a bit of good advice and Il think'yeah yeah' but a stranger can give me exactly the same advice and Ill think 'oh yeah their right'. Anyway good luck with sorting this out. XX

Tortington · 18/06/2006 17:58

if its shit - tell him " sex with you is shit, when you want it again - lets have a conversation and i will tell you what i like and what i dont. without the conversation - no sex - no point in doing something you find shit is there?"

i always get mine first - its like opening a door. good manners.

Original poster
Regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 18:38

Thanks everyone. I've calmed down, spoken to him again and now he's said sorry and that he didn't realise as it's never happened to him. I said 'oh, it will!' Grin One day when he's really really worked up, I'm going to let him start with me (like he does when he's not being selfish) and then when he goes for his turn, I'll get up, go downstairs, make a cuppa and come on MN Grin

Anyway, he said he's going to try and not be selfish blabla so we're ok for now but I said he really must be aware of this in the future as it's not the first time. Actually, it's his birthday in just over a week so we'll see what happens then. Hopefully he's learnt from his 'i thought it was my fathers day present' comment (he said he's really embarrassed about saying that!)

Right, that's me logging off my hiding name and going back to normal. I probably won't come back as I have a tendancy to accidently post using my normal name and cause myself embarrassment and I don't want to do that again, not with this subject!!

Many Thanks for the kick I needed :)

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 18/06/2006 18:43

You don't sound selfish at all, you sound perfectly reasonable.

Is from-behind hurting because he's bashing your cervix? There are tricks you can do to reduce that discomfort. (Other than "not shagging your DH when he's being a selfish arse", I mean.)

Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 18/06/2006 18:52

Yes, I think that's why it's hurting. It never used to and I've always loved that position. Thankfully he's not really big iykwim but this pain is feeling like he is all of a sudden. Thinking about it, it seems to be since I've changed my pill. Could this be the cause do you think????

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 18/06/2006 18:54

Dunno whether a pill could make a change - could make your cervix more sensitive, or lower, I guess?

Tricks to keep him from bashing your cervix:

  • keep your legs firmly together. This makes things tighter, as well.
  • shift your hips slightly, to an angle. Means he'll bask into one buttock more, which is strange-feeling, but nicer than a bashed cervix.
Gingeme · 18/06/2006 18:59

Oh I go away for some dinner for anhour and your getting advice on positionsShock you go girl he he Grin xx

NotQuiteCockney · 18/06/2006 19:00

Oh, and more seriously, obviously, you need to sort out the underlying issues. He needs to understand that while things are delicate between the two of you, sex is particularly delicate. (Although, like you, I don't understand men who don't feel compelled to make sure their partner is happy.)

fattiemumma · 18/06/2006 22:20

ok loads of advice about him being selfish....i dont htink its him really, its all men. in fact i think your quite lucky in thefact that usually he is attentive enought o sort you out first.

but to help the pain during rear entry....open your legs a little wider and dip your pelvis a little....it will make you bum stick u in the air a bit more but it will mean that your pelvis and cervix are ata a different angle. it also means that your clitoris will be exposed more and (SOO SORRY AS THIS TRUELY IS TMI BUT.....) his balls will rub against your clitoris and stimulate you more...you may even climax through this.

Toothache · 18/06/2006 22:29

Since this thread has lightened up a bit now.... I felt the need to comment on your post that stated:

"when he goes for his turn, I'll get up, go downstairs, make a cuppa and come on MN"

I'd like to think you didn't do the last one on the list there!!!!!! Shock Grin

fattiemumma · 18/06/2006 22:45

Grin must say when i read the OP i actually thought that i would do precsily that....finish first then get up and do something else...show him how it feels.

dunno about sitting on Mn in post coitel (sp?)smugness though lol

Original poster
regularbutchangedname · 19/06/2006 08:03

NotQuiteCockney - thanks, will try :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who expects it to be a 2 way thing!

Bloody hell fattiemumma - will try that too Wink (although he's not getting it just yet, he needs to wait Grin)

Grin - the MN but was a joke actually but I do intend to do something else to make a point! Wink

Thanks :)

OP posts: