Does you DP work really long hours? How do you do it?

[TreeMonkey]

I fear this will make me sound like a spoilt princess but here goes:

My DP works for a private equity firm in their finance department. I joke that he's always having to save the financial world whenever he has to work late (which is a lot).

We're about to move into together, buy a new place in the spring and have spoken about children in the past. But part of me is really questioning whether this would work or whether our potential children will actually get to see him.

I don't have a great relationship with my dad partly because he was always at work. I wouldn't want this for my children but the way things are now he doesn't finish work until 8:30pm (should be 9-5:30) isn't home till 9:30 and by that point, any potential children would be in bed and most of our evening is gone too.

The spoilt princess bit is that its my 30th this Sunday. I've planned to go to a bar on Saturday night and was hoping that DP and I could have a nice lunch on Sunday together. Romantic and low-key just the two of us. He's now text me to say "Sorry, I have to work both days this weekend :o( " I'm pissed off. The world isn't going to end if he doesn't work over the weekend. I'm really hoping its a fucking joke.

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

That's interesting what you say, PEWoman.

I have to admit, I don't see how a high-flying, ambitious, obviously extremely energetic, adrenaline-driven type, and a domestic-type can be in any way significantly compatible.

I mean, obviously they're highly compatible when it comes to the 'business' of running a home; one funds it and the other manages it.

But compatible, personality-wise? I don't see how they genuinely can be, really...

None of this is to justify affairs, obviously. But I do wonder how driven types can have anything in common - have a real mental connection with -somebody quite so different from them. And I don't see how it can't create quite a divide where the two people lead quite separate lives as the years go on.

[monkey42]

this thread is very interesting, but I'm another vote for the 'it can work' scenario. I'm surprised so many posters are anti_...
My DH is a workaholic, though he would argue he is just doing what needs to be done in his high pressure (now very senior) job in the city, for an american firm. We now have 2 Dcs, and he very clearly thinks the world of them despite the hours. He leaves before we get up (at 620) but is often home for 7ish when not travelling. He usually still does emails and sometimes calls later.
I am not a SAHM, I work as a hospital doctor part time whcih is tough.

However what it boils down to is how much these events upset you. On my 31st b'day DH didn't even pick me up from the airport (i had been to holland) and i was transiently miffed. If these sorts of things will upset you in the long run then you need to decide whether you could stick it, but don't think he wilwl chnage other than with age.

My DH has been much better since we had DC as he loves the whole family thing.

[TreeMonkey]

Thank you again for all these responses. It really has been interesting reading to hear from both sides.

I've spent the past three hours discussing this with DP, how unhappy I felt with his initial text, what his job entails and what is expected from him for the seemingly low money he earns.

We've also spoken about what we want in the future including children and careers and at the moment I feel very comfortable with his responses. I can't elaborate right now but generally feel better knowing what he wants and he now knows exactly what I want.

Reading some of the responses I know I couldn't be in some of those positions but after talking, I can see what kind of future we could have together.

With regards to Sunday, he's managed to arrange all the work to have the day off. He didn't realise how hurt I felt and how inconsiderate I thought he was being and has apologised for being a dick and the text he sent.

[Lavenderhoney]

That's good tree monkey:)

Keep talking and make sure you and he plan stuff, as work really does take over - good memories and things to look forward to make a difference.

Get him to add all relevant dates to his calendar as well. My dh, although he often can't be there when I want, at least knows about things and does his best to make up for it.

[AuntyPippaAndUncleHarry]

Haven't had chance to read whole thread. In my experience most professional jobs require long hours, short notice change of plans, home life sacrifice. The rewards are interesting jobs and the financial freedom to have a nice home, great holidays, ability to give kids all kinds of wonderful experiences. The 3 people I know who work in PE all had mad hours during deals and lulls after. If he is in a deal then short notice change of plans seems entirely possible. The PE people I know all have kids and partners who work FT. They can afford FT nanny. If you want a partner with a 9-5 job I think those jobs are few and far between and the remuneration generally much less than in PE. I have sympathy for your partner but then I work very long hours 6 days per week. I have worked very hard to achieve in my chosen profession. My choice was work over family but now am aiming for less hours which is I hope achievable because of what I have done up to now to gain experience.

[racmun]

Op you have my sympathies.

I used to have a highly pressurised career and in lots of firms there is a culture of presenteeism, ie who can stay the latest, who can work the hardest. I suspect your dh has got caught up in a firm like that and from his perspective it's a really hard cycle to break.

Posters saying he's not very nice he doesn't prioritise you it's not that simple. I suspect he earns a good wage and yes money isn't everything but in a Private Equity house it is!! That is his world. He's probably worried that if he pulls out of the deal this weekend he'll be looked over for the next promotion etc.

My dh works long hours and doesn't see ds in the week apart from about 5 minutes as he's rushing about the house in the morning so it's not exactly quality time!

It's not ideal by any stretch but the upshot is he earns enough do that I'm a SAHM and ds and I spend a lot of quality time together.
I know quite a few people in this situation and it isn't perfect but then I don't really know what is the perfect set up. Fwiw ds is very very close to dh and they have loads of fun at weekends. Dh is also away some weekends with work.

My dad worked all the time when I was little and I don't really remember spending much time with him, but I am very close to him.

I think a big part that make such a sutuation work is the attitude that goes with it, was he sorry about your birthday?

[aftermay]

Some of the replies on here make for depressing reading. Money really matters so much for some people.

[Hooya]

That's a great update TreeMonkey - really glad that you were able to talk things over with him and hopefully find a way that works for you! It is difficult and it's not the life everyone wants, but I do firmly believe it is possible to have a happy successful relationship where one partner works like a madwoman / man some of the time!

aftermay I think for many people, and as a few have stated on this thread, it's not just about money - my role brings me great personal satisfaction as well as material rewards. I can speak very convincingly for that as I've just started 4 months' maternity leave and I was really sad to leave for a while - even though I will get full pay during my leave. So it isn't all just about the cash, though it sure helps!

[aftermay]

I like my job too, its rewarding (financially, emotionally, dies some good in the world). But too many posts ftom women saying it's worth being second place and practically living a parallel life to your DH because at least you get the private schools and lifestyle. It's utterly depressing to read this. Though it's not my life.

[aftermay]

Gosh, does not dies, particularly as it healthcare :)

[LongGoneBeforeDaylight]

I work long hours. I'm a lawyer so similar set up. It's really hard, OP, and I'm not sure it is about priorities. I will get told that a deal needs to be done by Monday morning or whatever and most in the team I'm in will have to stay to do it. I put big things that I can't miss in my boss's calendar but if everyone was working a weekend I'm not sure I'd be able to get it off for a significant other's birthday. And if my DP moans it makes it worse because I would very much rather be with him AND I have to work so I tend to feel very hard done by. I genuinely often have no choice re working long hours.

[PEWoman]

I'm glad to hear that too TreeMonkey. I was remembering last night a man who I worked with years ago who always prioritised his home and family, he was very resolute about leaving the office as soon as he possibly could. And he was really successful because clients loved him so it really is possible to buck the trend.

I love my job too but I agree with you aftermay - I think the sacrifices some people are prepared make for material 'success' are too great

[motherinferior]

Yes; in many ways I quite envy the people who do those jobs, earning lovely money and doing interesting demanding stuff and having lots of social validation and someone else doing the domestic backup.

The people doing the domestic backup, not so much.

[Pilgit]

Well done OP - sounds like you've got progress there. These things can work but it takes a lot of work and committment to a common standard from both partners. In my relationship I am the one with the big city job, the hours (and the salary) that go with it. DH is self employed (and a workaholic) and works from home. We have our issues and we have mammoth arguments (both have fiery tempers and are very good at wilfully misunderstanding each other -but that's another thread!) but our life works because we have the same priorities - the DD's and giving them the best life we can. So some things don't get compromised - we have a family weekend once a month that is sacred. I gethome for bed time and log on again after that if I need to. I never work saturdays (as an aside I never had - even homework as a child). If things get sacrificed it is stuff for us as a couple - which is hard. I have got good at work at not compromising on my family life and not letting people take advantage - but I have got senior enough that I can do that (and I have found if you deliver results it's a lot easier to dictate your own terms for when it gets done). I have found that a lot of people work silly hours because they feel they have to justify why they are there (yes, it also becasue there is the work to do but not to the same extent all the time). Does he lack in self confidence about his work or position? There's a lot to be said for working smarter, not harder.

[BoffinMum]

Either you are going to have to be one of those women who builds a life out of staying home and having nice hair/playing tennis/collecting dry cleaning, or you will have to choose a different man to have children with. Personally I chose the latter.

[BoffinMum]

IME some blokes work long hours to avoid the low level hassle of day to day child rearing, but they rarely admit it.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

IME though the working crazy hours isn't forever. The more senior you become the more you can dictate stuff.

And although I've been a SAHM for the past 9 years, now I'm going back to work albeit part-time.

I do think though that what works for one couple doesn't work for another. And I do find it patronising when someone feels pity for the one providing 'domestic back-up'.

[aftermay]

Or you can work crazy hours and be sacked. It fall ill. Or someone close get ill, have SN etc etc. And all those crazy hours will not count for much anymore. You're out if the door like it's never happened.

[motherinferior]

I didn't say I felt pity. I said I didn't envy the person doing all the domestic backup. Which in our household is more me than my partner in any case. Long hours and someone else to sort out dental appointments is looking rather alluring to me at the moment.

[Loopytiles]

That sounds hopeful OP.

grandstanding the women I know who SAH after DC often start off having successful careers too, but have found it difficult to sustain them after DC due to their husbands' working hours.

[LongGoneBeforeDaylight]

It's not like being at work isn't work though, while these "dentists appointments" are arranged. I am stressed and arranging things for 12 hours at work, just not domestic things.

[BrandyAlexander]

OP, I would definitely pay attention to what PE chap said. I agree with everything in his first post. It definitely doesn't get easier the more senior they get and in fact in the senior folks are pretty much on call every day except Xmas day. As the founder of one of the world's biggest PE houses recently said to me, the job is more like 5 to 9 rather than 9 to 5. If his career takes off and yours stays the same, it is inevitable that you will either need a full time nanny or you will have to sacrifice your career. Having said all of that, I have never known dh or any of his colleagues miss a major event in their dw's life because they know that dw is basically the engine room of family life.

[motherinferior]

I know. I just know which option, if it has to be a choice, I personally would rather have. That's all

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I know nothing of PE so bow down to the other's knowledge of how things work when you're more senior. But other professions I know, where someone works a lot of hours things do seem to get easier in some ways as they get more senior.

For a start, there's more money to do stuff which does help. Its also often possible to re-arrange your hours as necessary to attend family stuff without it being looked as you shirking in some way.

And if you have your own business, you may be checking your emails every day etc but hopefully you don't need always to be physically present.

[BrandyAlexander]

Hi Mrs CB, you're right but the Transactions/PE world is a little world of its own!

To explain. Dh and I are both in v senior positions. I am in the more senior position. We have just been on holiday for the last week. This was a quiet one as a lot of people are also on hols. He was on emails and did a conf call each day. Last holiday it was 2/3 a day. When we got home, he raced out f the car and dialled someone with his first words being "sorry I was stuck on the motorway". He felt the need to apologise for holding upbthe deal because he hadn't been contactable for 3 hours. I, on the other hand, read all my emails and I think responded to about 5 (out of about 800). My PA and my team dealt with it all so I felt there was no need to intervene. My super fab PA and I have a system where she reads always all my emails and when i am on holiday if its a code red, she calls me. She has fantastic judgment and only 3 times in 10 years have I had a code red call from her. I was invited to 4 urgent conf calls, all of which I ignored because my kids deserve all my attention during our brief holidays. No way dh could do that without being fired. As I said .....a very different world!