Does you DP work really long hours? How do you do it?

[TreeMonkey]

I fear this will make me sound like a spoilt princess but here goes:

My DP works for a private equity firm in their finance department. I joke that he's always having to save the financial world whenever he has to work late (which is a lot).

We're about to move into together, buy a new place in the spring and have spoken about children in the past. But part of me is really questioning whether this would work or whether our potential children will actually get to see him.

I don't have a great relationship with my dad partly because he was always at work. I wouldn't want this for my children but the way things are now he doesn't finish work until 8:30pm (should be 9-5:30) isn't home till 9:30 and by that point, any potential children would be in bed and most of our evening is gone too.

The spoilt princess bit is that its my 30th this Sunday. I've planned to go to a bar on Saturday night and was hoping that DP and I could have a nice lunch on Sunday together. Romantic and low-key just the two of us. He's now text me to say "Sorry, I have to work both days this weekend :o( " I'm pissed off. The world isn't going to end if he doesn't work over the weekend. I'm really hoping its a fucking joke.

[Leavenheath]

Would he be willing to be the SAHP if you had children?

It doesn't sound like your salaries are that different and yet his working hours are more. Pro-rata, I bet you get paid more than him in real terms.

If you can;t both work part-time and don't want both of you contracting out the childcare most days, so intend following a FT/PT share or FT/SAHP arrangement, it's much better for kids if the main working parent is on a reasonable salary and has good working hours. Looks like that's you.

But tbh, I don't think he's as invested in this relationship as you are. Better to find that out now than after you've had kids.

[Hatpin]

I'd re-think the man rather than the situation.

[OhDearNigel]

And I gave up expecting DH to be at home for any important occassions years ago. We consider ourselves fortunate if he's home for a few hours on Christmas Day.

You either have to suck it up and roll with it or get out. Because I can tell you something, if you don't like your own company, can't entertain yourself and expect to have some wonderful, romantic relationship with a man that is wedded to his work, you will be miserable and unhappy. It won't improve with marriage, it will get worse with children because he will feel pressured to earn more money and work longer. Even I get weeks where I am just fed up with it all and I am pretty happy not seeing him for long periods.

[perfectstorm]

bit hard to argue that one when he's at work all day and I'm on maternity leave, although on reflection I used to do everything when I worked full time as well

You have an eight week old baby. In what universe is that not a fulltime job?! Does yours sleep 8 hrs a night? Do you share the nights, if not? Does your baby not need feeding and changing every 3 hrs or so, and if not, what do you do so I can try it as well?

I will never understand families where the person in sole charge of a newborn is expected to wait on the person who actually gets a lunch hour, and reasonable sleep.

[LillyNotOfTheValley]

If he is working with a PE firm, my guess is that it is not likely to change in the future so you have to make a choice here: getting over it and being satisfied with "family quality time" or getting him to think about changing jobs/firms.

DH and I both have crazy schedules: I tend to work very long hours (average should be c 70h/week) with frequent travels across the US. DH is half working from home + frequent short travels / half working away for long periods of time. Rush work periods are roughly the same for DH and I so we do not really get to see each other or the DC at all - this year for 2 weeks - in April/June.
The only way we manage to have quality time is by having an on-site nanny who also does all the housekeeping (even if DH or I still do the family cooking most nights).

It is exhausting but worth it, none of us could reasonably stay at home and we both love our jobs.

[CailinDana]

I wonder will the men who work long hours and hardly see their children regret it some day?
The Dh of a friend of mine had a breakdown when he retired because he felt he'd wasted his children's childhood. They had a great "lifestyle" but it meant nothing to him. He recovered after a few years but still bitterly regrets the long hours he spent working. His dw (my friend) was not sympathetic.

[Jammee]

It might get better. DH first worked in Canary Wharf, a 9-6pm job but in reality it was frowned upon if he finished before 9pm. He often had to work later! He then had a 2 hour commute home. He could be out from 6:30am until midnight. When he was at home he got woken up at all hours by offices in different time zones and was often on call at weekends meaning that even if he didn't actually have to work he often couldn't leave the house.

I wasn't keen on moving in with him with this set up; he was always exhausted and often had to cancel plans due to last minute problems at work. Then he got another job in finance and it was much more relaxed. He stopped being on call, rarely got woken in the night and started working 8:30am-7pm. We bought a house together which had a shorter commute and I saw more of him.

As he advanced at work he was able to pass work onto juniors and started to come home even earlier.

Since DD was born he gets home earlier still and often works from home so he can help me out.

Can he change company? American firms tend to do much longer hours; UK ones are a lot better.

I would say though that these jobs appeal to people who like work; often they find it "relaxing.". My DH works in his free time for fun, and when I came back from the hospital after miscarrying he logged on and started working as a way to relax. If you can get your head around it and he is prepared to make changes slowly for when you have children, you will be fine. If that's not for you then he probably isn't for you. Hope you have a lovely 30th.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Ok, the bit of this that stands out for me is that your DH is on around £50K/year. That is not enough to put you in the stockbroker/Surrey commuter belt, private schools league - more importantly, it is definitely not enough to be working every hour God sends for! I thought he'd be on way over £100K based on what you wrote initially.

My DH works longish hours, earns more than this but makes it home for bath time/bed time most days. Yes, he might be responding to emails at the crack of dawn and taking calls across various time zones at 10pm, but he is at least physically present in our home. The evenings when he isn't I find hard (one toddler DD, heavily pregnant with DC2) so I wouldn't be considering having children with someone who was so work focused if I were you.

DH's job has allowed me to be a SAHM - BUT that was what we both wanted and I've been able to take a 3 year career break from my role whilst the DC are young. It doesn't sound like you would want this. So, my questions to you would be:

• you're both back at work and child to be is sick at nursery. Would he drop everything and collect him/her?
  

• you have a work trip overseas and DP needs to do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups for a week. Would he do this willingly?
  

• would you become the one responsible for DC AND your WOHM role? Whilst he carried on regardless?
  

I think it sounds like the two of you have very different priorities and as a PP said, you really need to think about the kind of life you want. Being a parent can be hard with a supportive partner, without one it can be a nightmare!

[TreeMonkey]

This is all really helpful and insightful.

Cailin based on your post above about the breakdown I'd be interested to know what my dad thinks of our relationship. Granted there are other factors but we see each other about four times a year - don't speak on the phone either. I feel like I don't have anything in common with him. It would be interesting to know if he feels the same - but that's another thread to think about...

[JakeBullet]

My now exH worked very long hours for a retail company....long days when he wouldn't be home until past 10pm and out of the door by 6.30am the next day.

I think it can work as long as some protected time is planned for....birthdays for s were non-negotiable but we both accepted that the time for those things might not necessarily happen "on the day" but time was made for them on other days.

Is he seriously working both these days? If so then will he make time at another point very close to your birthday to celebrate it with you?

[Twinklestein]

I'm actually on hols so I shouldn't be on here, but I saw this thread + wanted to say that this is absolutely bogstandard for someone who works in finance. My husband does + working late + weekends is a normal.

These jobs pay what they do because you have to give your life to them. If you don't, there are queues of people who would be happy to do the job instead.

Unless of course the OP thinks that her partner is actively using work as an excuse to avoid seeing her, which is a different matter entirely.

If the OP is thinking long term, and these hours make her actively unhappy, + she wants a husband who will be always available for the children, then she needs to rethink. If she chooses to stay with him, she needs to accept the demands of the job.

[Jammee]

Silver mine sat with he all night, too. But when we got home and I sat down on the sofa to cry, he took himself up to his study, shut the door, and logged into work and carried on. It was his way of coping. I relied on a miscarriage forum and he relied on his work. People prepared to work long hours for top roles and pay tend to be so invested in their work that it often isn't just work for them; it's a part of who they are; how they relax, de-stress or in the case of the MC, bury his head in the sand so he didn't have to face the loss.

[Hatpin]

Despite saying you don't want a partner who behaves like your father did, you have chosen someone who by virtue of his chosen career, and by his attitude work, is far more likely than most to repeat the pattern. Why is that, do you think?

[Purplemonster]

Perfectstorm - you're right, I'm a mug and he's an arse. On the plus side he dotes on the baby, which I suppose is easy to do when you've had a full nights sleep and you only see her from 8/9pm when she's mostly asleep. He keeps remarking on what a good baby she is

OP I really would think long and hard because becoming a second class citizen who minds the baby and cooks and cleans while he goes off to do the important job of earning money and leaves you to run errands for him because 'you've got plenty of time' is not conducive to a happy relationship...or, in fact, happiness at all

[Jammee]

purple you just made me laugh. I don't clean that much and I never cook! I don't care how late DH works, I'm not cooking!

Once I cleaned up a bit while DH was at work and he was so grateful he bought me flowers.

[Purplemonster]

Want to swap? Pleeeaaasseee?

[wordfactory]

OP my DH works long hours (senior partner in a MC law firm) and travels a lot.

This is to be expected given how much he earns. And I never bitch about it.

But, for my 30th birthday he took a week off and took me to New York! He generallytakes every Saturday and Sunday off and we always go away as a family on holiday at least four weeks a year.

He has never ever cancelled.

We also regularly go out to dinner/theatre etc...

Are you certain he needs to be working as often as he says?

[wordfactory]

Cailin I don't think all parents (men and women) do regret working long hours.

I think it very much depends if they like it, how much they get paid, how much autonomy they have, what they make of their free time.

My DC have a much better relationship with their Dad than many children who see more of theirs because he makes a huge effort around them and always has. He' so interested in them.

Plus the upside of a job like his is that we can outsource a hell of a lot of stuff that saps parents' time and have enough cash to do lots of cool stuff.

[motherinferior]

That's nothing, WF. My partner gave me a positive pregnancy test for my 37th...and I hadn't even asked for it

[wordfactory]

MI that has made me laugh so much!

[motherinferior]

Yep, but WF it's that thing of interest. Wot I flagged up above. TBH it is partly because I cannot be that single-mindedly focused on my lovely kids that I have to do an Improper Job, because then I can be vaguely and insufficiently around quite a lot.

[motherinferior]

(It was the gift that just kept giving...)