Dealing with an incredibly selfish sister

[SourSweets]

I'm just about coming to the end of my rope with my sister, I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I've been ignoring her behaviour for a while now as it's just "how she is" but I don't think I can do this anymore.

She is unbelievably selfish. To give just a few examples:

A little while ago I was heavily pregnant, she came round for the day under the guise of catching up with me and helping out with jobs before the baby arrived. In reality we spoke about nothing other than her boyfriend or the entire day. No word of a lie, she literally didn't mention my pregnancy once, or ask how I was. My husband got home from work at 6.30 and asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. She said no, she'd be leaving soon, so we waited to eat until after she'd left. She didn't actually leave until 11pm by which point I was so tired I went to bed without eating. (Also I'd gone out to buy lunch for us both to which she offered nothing, not that I needed anything but usually when visiting a 39 week pregnant relative you'd ask if you could get them anything)

After my baby was born one day she emailed me asking for more relationship advice. I replied with my opinion and also said "I've just managed to get the baby down and am going to try to fit in a nap so sorry if I don't respond for a while." She read and replied to this message, then when she got no immediate response went on to call me 3 times, waking me up. When I told her I was trying to sleep she just said "yeah, I thought so." Btw my baby is nearly 4 weeks old now.

She was supposed to come round today as she has the week off work and has been saying how much she wants to come and see the baby, so I invited her round yesterday, she couldn't because she'd spent the night round her (new) boyfriend's. so she suggested today instead. 30 mins after she was due, she text me to ask "do you still want me to come over?" And basically making out that I'd asked for a babysitter (comments like "I guess I can come if you need a nap but I won't be able to stay long" and how she'd like to go to the gym) and talking about how she's going out tonight. So I said it sounds like she had other plans and not to worry. To which she replied "ok".

I'm not expecting her to be as interested in my pregnancy/baby/life as I am but just a little courtesy wouldn't go amiss! She is always losing friends and boyfriends and can't seem to figure out why, but tbh if I weren't related to her I wouldn't be her friend either. I dont know what to do, do I tell her how she makes me feel? I really doubt shed listen. In fact I know she wouldn't. I could just have less to do with her but she's my sister and I want us to have a good relationship. Maybe I just need to expect less from her?

Sorry, no time to read back as I have to burp the baby! Hope it makes sense. Thank you, as always.

SourSweets, I know you posted a couple of years ago about your selfish sister. I hope you're doing better but I saw that post and I swear it could be my own sister. I wanted to see whether there were sisters like mine out there and I googled and came across this thread from 2013. My sister has always been an incredibly selfish person and I think she is a narcissist -- like our mother.

Just one example a couple of years ago, she came to stay with me for 5 weeks. She lives in another country and is retired and wanted a vacation for herself (I realize that now she did not come to bond with me, but she wanted a U.S. East Coast vacation and free food & lodging). I work and so does my husband and my child has a busy schedule. Anyway, cut a long story short I went out of my way to give her a great time, including taking time off from work and arranging in advance a trip inside the White House, took her out of state on vacation where my husband paid for everything and she did not even offer. She is a wealthy woman and came empty-handed to my house and left that way 5 weeks later (not a gift of appreciation please know I did not want anything from her, but it was appalling how selfish and self-absorbed she behaved). Well, fast forward to present time, I emailed her to say I wanted to visit her in her home country for one week. Her response she said NO (can you believe that!) and put the blame on her husband saying he did not want his routine disrupted by my presence! But my husband had his routine disrupted for FIVE weeks and was welcoming to my sister! I replied that I did not think it was her husband and she blew up at me over email saying she did not want an unpleasant time (!!) because she would have HER routine disrupted and that it would be unpleasant! I still cannot get over the depth of her self-centeredness and selfishness. I always knew she was selfish but I have been physically away from her (I emigrated) for a number of years and I thought maybe she had matured (!! - she is my older sister and has a daughter who cannot get along with her for the same reason but she complains to me all the time that her daughter accuses her of being selfish for no reason!! LOL) . Anyway, there is no point talking to her because I know she completely lacks empathy. By the way, when I gave birth, she did not bother to show concern or want to visit me. Many of my friends have normal sisters and I have to admit I am envious when I see them in a normal sister relationship. I know I can never expect that from my sister and it bothers me so much. But I have to just let it go and just treat her like a not-so-close friend. If she were not my sister, I would never choose her as a friend. She complains about people gossiping about her etc. and I definitely can see why they do that. Thanks again for sharing your experience, SourSweets, and all the best to you. Thank you for listening.

I have a sibling like this too. Yikes. Narcissistic describes it perfectly.

You could be talking about my sister. She is a narcissist. Study narcissist behaviour and realise she will never be there and support you.

Enjoy your sister. Let her push your boundaries as a sister. My own died tragically young and I was mostly sensible and practical. Of course babies come first but I treasure my memories of her her and her possessive selfish times. You can do both. Have hard and softer boundaries. Be forgiving and enjoy your family but also your time with her discussing relationships. It will join you forever and remind you of you before babies as well. Sending love

Oh my word my sister is exactly the same - I can't believe the similarities!!! Please can I ask - how old was she when you posted this and what was your age gap ? Did she ever humble herself ? Was it a phase or are we doomed like this forever.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful because I also don't know what to do but my strategy for the past few years is to be the bigger person in the hope that she will outgrow her phase when she gets older. She is 25 now and still the same if not worse. I'm hoping it might change when she has her own kids or gets married but I'm not so sure. The worst part is If we don't give them everything they expect even though we get treated like door mats the there will be fights. I already have tension with my other sibling so I'm so hesitant to just ignore her and move on with my life. Argh

Sorry but she won't ever get better. My sister is/was like this, even after having her own kids.

I went no contact five years ago and no regrets (apart from not seeing my niece and nephew as much as I'd like, but my Mum does a lot of childcare for her so I do get to see them).

To be honest, I don't miss her. I don't miss her negativity and I don't miss her selfishness.

It's OK not to like your siblings.

Just be firm with her.

When she doesn't want dinner, carry on with making it for yourselves, and then say jane I expect you'll be wanting to head off now then, let me grab your coat, you can go now bye.

When she says she'll visit tell her the times she can arrive and leave. If she doesn't turn up on time call and say sorry you cant arrive now I'm going for a walk, you could have joined me but you're not here.

The OP posted in 2013 so hopefully things are a bit better now?

These zombies just won't stay dead will they! So many of them.

oh for goodness sake!