Miserable DH

[BooCanary]

Really fed up with my miserable DH. He just has no positivity whatsoever, and is very grumpy.

He is easily annoyed by the DCs. If they are a bit whiny or cheeky, he's all doom and gloom about them. He doesn't focus on any positive aspects of them, instead moaning about every little thing they do that may be even slightly annoying - most of which is pretty standard behaviour for their age (sibling fighting, getting up too early, being raucous, answering back). Not very nice for me to have to put up with his moaning on top of their bad behaviour, and we have started to struggle to present a 'united front' to the DCs.

He is negative about work and our sex life, and very rarely shows excitement about anything ever. Not days out, not holidays, not time together. Even when he does something he is really looking forward too (rare) he comes home, shrugs his shoulders, and says it was 'alright'.

He always has been a bit like this, which has kind of balanced my more excitable personality. I come from a family where fun and silliness was par for the course, whereas his family are a bit dour.

I am really getting to the point where I can't put up with it anymore, and enjoy it when he's not here. If I try to broach it with him, he claims that he is justified in being down because of the dcs behaviour/work problems/my attitude etc etc.

Is there anywhere to go from here, other than the divorce courts? I really don't want to split the family up, but am just worn down by it all.

Impatient bump!

Boo, no advice really but just wanted to sympathise. I'm struggling with the same thing at the moment. It's just so draining. I don't know what the answer is really. Do you find its got worse as he's got older? I'm not sure if my DH has or if my tolerance has got less. I feel like life is so short and precious and I don't want to waste it in such a negative environment. I especially don't want the dc childhood memories to be clouded in negativity.

I assume you've told him how you feel and talked to him about the draining effect of his constant negativity?
If not, that's your first priority. Putting up with it makes him think it's acceptable (he may not even realise he is so negative).

My dh was like this last summer. It ruined our week away. When we got back I exploded and said if he was going to be like this I wanted to know why and expected him to do something about it as it was completely unacceptable to live with such a misery guts when there was no apparent reason. I told him to grow a pair and see the doctor if he was ill or if he was just unhappy then to do something pro-active about it.
I think that shocked him into realising what an effect his attitude had on me and he's made a real effort since to either tell me why he's grumpy or to bugger off upstairs till he's snapped out of it.

I have the same problem and we separated a month ago. The house is certainly a lot calmer. Kids seem happy. I miss him but hoping the break will do us both good. In the mean time Im trying to stay positive. We had other problems too but the negativity was the worst. Is he depressed? Is he about to have a mid life crisis? possibilities.

My DH is some times like this. With him it 100% to do with how work is going. If it's going well he's happy, if it's not then he's not. Could that be it with your DH? It helps my DH to talk about it and sort of gives him a release for a few days at least.

Bowlersarm that's it with my dh as well. The burden of the financial responsibility makes him suck all the joy out of life at times.

Is he depressed?

My DH used to be like this, everything was a negative, every suggestion answered with a No, every situation was rubbish/dire/crap.

He couldn't understand why I wasn't the same or didn't see things the same negative way and it was only by talking to some friends/family he realised there may be more to it.

He was diagnosed with chemical depression and whilst taking medication he is happy and upbeat but a few days after he stops taking his meds if he thinks he doesn't need them as he's feeling OK, I really see the slide back into the negativity.

He now understand he's on this medication for life.

CeliaFate you have phrased it perfectly. It really is as simple as that (in our house)

I have talked to DH about it, but he gets very defensive, and tries to imply either that I am one of the causes of his misery, or that I am the odd one to not find (for example) the DCs behaviour shockingly awful. I try to explain that I do get stressed, but that revelling in misery has little point.

I think one of the problems is that he doesn't see much of us due to certain commitments currently, and seems to have a shorter fuse when we are all together. He used to be a lot more patient.

My DP said I was controlling and stubborn and it added to his misery. However, it was part of his depressive illness to shift blame as he couldnt see that he was ill. He refuses help and medication. Sometimes I may have appeared controlling as i needed to make decisions as he was unable to.
My advice is dont let it get so bad you end up separated like me. Try to talk to him. Ask him if he knows whats making him this way. Suggest a visit to the GP. Hope it all works out for you.

Thanks for the advice. DH has come home and done lots with the DCs tonight, which has been nice.

He has also commented that I am being miserable tonight - which I am, unsurprisingly and slightly ironically! Haven't got the energy for an argument, so will probably just have an early night and see what tomorrow brings.