I have posted about this before and it's a bit long - sorry but I need thoughts on it again!
So I reach the grand old age of 41 without ever having killed, harmed or been violent to anybody and my mother decides to tell me what a nasty, evil, spiteful kid I was and how she was terrified of me 
. This after a long drawn out confrontation (over several years) about how I was treated as a child instigated by how she was treating my DCs. The accusation above was the last straw and I decided to cut contact with a very heavy heart and I am still deeply upset about that. She does not seem in the slightest bit bothered which is even more upsetting.
I replied (all by email) asking what I had done that had terrified her so that she had to lock the knives up but she did not reply and that was 3 months ago. I was spiteful to my siblings and hated everyone according to her. Nevertheless all through my teenage years I 'had' to babysit for my 2 older sister's children (even newborns) staying over night with them on my own etc. How come my mother allowed this if she was terrified of me and I had a knife fetish?.
My parents went through a very acrimonious divorce when I was 7 (although she maintains I was 4 ) and after witnessing domestic violence I think I was an extremely anxious, frightened child. Siblings are not in contact due to confrontation with my mum. I had maintained a very close relationship with my mother and a good but distant relationship with my siblings until I had a row with her about her calling my middle DC nasty names 3 years ago. She targeted him as I think he is most like me, very bookish, highly academic and a non stop talker. She lavished praise on his brother and I could not ignore it any longer. I now realise after months of therapy that my so called close relationship with my family was one-sided (mine) and was in fact me trying to facilitate a relationship with them as I was desperate to feel 'loved' by my family and I wanted my DC to be as well.
The thing is, although knowing I was in the classic 'scapegoat' role as a child and suffering quite terrible physical and emotional abuse and, realising that this is probably another way my mother is trying to validate the way she treated me, this has really worried me greatly, that I might really be a bit of a psycho!
It sounds ridiculous but I suffer from 'harm' OCD where I suffer from terrifying visions and thoughts that I might 'go crazy' and harm someone. It started after a period of prolonged extreme stress and the thoughts and visions terrified the hell out of me until I went to my GP (with a massive amount of courage as I thought I would be locked up and in fact wanted to be!) and I discovered how common it is. I was slowly starting to accept the thoughts were meaningless and just a part of my extreme anxiety (I get panic attacks as well), i.e the worst possible thing that could happen, until my mother told me this. She knows I suffer from these type of thoughts as well but never thought to tell me about this until out last blowup and of course, never sought any professional help for me!
There was one instance that I remember as an early teen where my mother found a vegetable knife hidden in my and my sister's underwear drawer. She accused me of hiding it there and said I must have done it while sleepwalking (not sure I ever did), I must want to kill everyone, be evil etc. I remember my sister was going through a phase of using really heavy eyeliner (80s) and she used to sharpen her eye pencils on the kitchen knives. I am now 99% sure she put the knife in the drawer and did not own up as my mother would have had a go at her (golden child). That left a lasting impact on me (being accused of sleepwalking and picking up knives 
) and I am not sure if that is what my mother is referring to or not.
I am having a wibble tonight having just got back from a stressful holiday and having an important interview tomorrow and have started thinking about this again. My biggest fear is that I am 'crazy' as I was often told I was a child. I don't know what I am trying to get out of this, just typing it may clarify my thoughts somewhat!
Thanks for reading 
.