I have given 150% feel really let down

[Scruffyhound]

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs now. I have a house and rented it out to be with him. me and my son from my previous marriage moved to be with him. I have moved back and forth 3 times my son is now 7 and I have a 2 1/2 year old son with my partner. Im living in his house and he pays the bills. I pay tv phone and internet. I have a shortfall in my rent of £150 per month. As the childcare from the gov went down in April and my mortgage lender put the mortgage up I went to the bank. I work in a school full time as a lab tech. When we worked it all out I was earning less than my out goings. Me and my partner also thought at this time he would get promoted. So I said can u find out at work whats going on or I will have to take the loan.out. In the end I did. 15k I was not happy but could see no other way. That covered childcare for 1.5 years surely by that time we would know if he gets a promotion. shortly after that I find out hes getting a pay cut. This is a family buisness which his step dad owns. I was like great. But all was not lost. As his loan finished last month£ 280 better off. My money will only last until dec now to cover childcare/loan/mortgage shortfall I am.looking for a better paid job as well in the mean time. So to sum.up. I have moved from my family and my home to rent with my partner when I was pregnant with our son(I said he should of moved to me) then to move again as his stepdad gave him a deposit (think to keep him here and near by for his wants and needs they have money a lot of it) and yet here I am taking out a loan to cover childcare for our cjild worrying about bills. So at the end of this I said maybe we should have a joint account. He said I will have to thibk about it. WTF?! I have kept us out if the shit for the past 6 months not once has he said dont worry. Im looking for extra jobs and better paid ones. Now im.left in debt and in the shit not him. I feel very hurt and let down. I have never been in this situation before Im shitting my self. I dont want to be taking my poor mite of a son back home again I dont want to move him again. Also my partner and I have not had sex for ages. The pill made me feel ill and he wont use anything so think hes scared of me getting pregnant. Dont worry thats the last thing I want. Am I going mad or is that very very selfish?? Sorry its so long.

Scruffy wiser heads will come (so this is a bump of sorts).

i suspect a lot of this is about understanding defining what each partner expects in the relationship/union.
Have you ever had the 'talk' a practical what do you expect out of this not only emotionally but practically, financially etc. WARNING - you may find that you are indeed incompatible - be ready for this.

There is a lot of 'pie in the sky' thinking going on here. It's not even a target (which is acceptable) it's a meandering in the hope the x job or y scenario will take place.

This tends to happen with people who have a fall back (in this case maybe Daddy's money or the classic 'I can move back home with the folks if it all goes wrong' immature thinking)

And stop carrying the bucket here. You're racing about trying to fix things, making it easy for him, making all the difficult moves (I'm sorry - but you had the child so he really should have made the move - what about your support structure family etc which would have kept costs low)

Lastly - he'd rather not have sex than wear a condom?! really. there is more to this. because look at it another way - He'd rather you feel ill than wear a condom. (this just cements my thoughts that he's pretty immature)

So practical advise:

1). Stop carrying the bucket. let him tale the strain and find the solutions
2). Talk- frank and non confrontational discussion where you outline your expectations. (this is a priority)
3). Get his family involved in child care, reduce costs and outgoings. ask or help (get him to ask - man up).
4). No more pie in the sky. - plan instead. no more hoping and seeing where it goes.
5) The condom thing is sticking at the back of my throat, I don't get it, so perhaps others who have experienced this can advise.

Good luck

Forgot to say -
Just for the moment - don't take that loan out.

give him space to step up. He can't do that unless you allow him to (although he will have to do some growing up before that happens).

Keep the loan option for you and the DC when you discover what he really is like in case you need it should things not work out.

This chap feels your problems are your problems, but his problems are your a shared problem.

last input - I promise

waiting for a promotion does not constitute a plan.

Why? - Too many variables, other peoples decisions, no promise from employer etc

Cutting all holidays, reducing expenditure etc are a plan.

Why? - because you can see tangible end results - we will save £200 pounds at the end of the year if we do this. that will go to child care - as an example. and you are in control of a large part of the outcome.

Taking a second job for him is a plan - he can do night shifts at Asda once a week.
putting on a condom is a plan

him waiting for his parents to bail you out is not a plan [hmmm]

He won't wear a condom? He'd rather go without sex or make you ill than wear a condom? That's really not right, even without everything else.

Why does the entire childcare burden fall to you? The children's fathers (XP and current partner) should be sharing that with you.

What's your tenant's notice period? When could you be back at home if you decided to leave?

His refusals to share information about and responsibility for financial arrangements are very worrying. You shouldn't have to take on large personal loans on your own.

The £15k to cover childcare should be a joint debt.

Too late for you to sort it maybe but don't keep making the same mistakes of assuming you have to make this work. It's entirely possible that the time has come to cut your (considerable) losses and recognise you cannot and should not be solely responsible for it working ...and he isn't going to play fair :(

Hi thanks very much. my ex partner gives child maint so that would go towards the childcare costs. He is re married with another little one. As for my current partner. His stepdad gave him the deposit to keep him here. His mum has been horrible since we moved here. She does not work along with her daughter so they bitch all day. Then his mum kept sending him horrible messages so that all blew up. He started puching his self and made a mess if his face one day. I took him to a & e. Since he does not see his mum thats stopped. I feel pissed off at my self. I took the loan out in march. So have a review on Saturday. I earn half of my partners wages and im off school holidays and save money there. But the wages are so low I need a better paid job. The condom thing has been there from the start he does not like them. I was on the pill then. My DS wi

You haven't mentioned anything good about him. Is there anything?

I believe the MN phrase is "entitled manchild"

Sorry sent by accident! My DS with my partner was no planned. I would not change that for the world. I also want to move back home I miss my.mum and my dad is mentally ill only his sister sees him once a week. I see him when I can 1 x a month and speak on the phone. I used to deal with all of my dads stuff. Then I moved and my aunty has had a go at me over that. She does not work and has no DC so she does ot get it either. As for my partner I keep trying to have a logical conversation with him but then he sulks and we get no where. Im fed up with that too. Im ready to leave. I only need 1 months notice for my house. My old job is up for grabs 30 - 35 k back near home. Im on 11,200 so Im doing a job Idont like for low pay to be with him to stay together. Im always on the look out for a better paid job. As u can tell my.mind is everywhere and I cant think straight. I like to be structured and know where im going and what im doing. This sounds dull but you have to do this to a degree to have an aim.

Someone mentioned giving up holidays. I have had 4 holidays over 20 years. 1 was my wedding and another my cousins. Then I went in holiday this year to a caravan in Devon. with my dp mum and her partner and DC& dog. I had never had a holiday with my partner before. Yes u got it I paid for everything. What a sucker.

The joint bank account thing was I need to think about it. I thought seen as I will be short there will always be money in there. It made sense? But when he said that I know where I stand now. On my own. Sorry to ramble. Been here before for different reasons. :(

Poor you. This has ended up a dreadful mess.

Your urgent task is, I think, to get your finances back onto a sound footing. Borrowing to cover a shortfall in day to day expenditure is a bpcery high risk approach - and the risk (that he would not get a bier income) has come to pass.

You now need to work out a balanced budget which does not depend on income you have not yet got. There are various reputable organisations which will help you with the for free. You will have to think about different job, more hours, different childcare, where you live, where you can spend less.

And I mean "you" singular. He is living in Laa-Laa Land, to the extent at least that he's faking a future for you. He's happy to let you pile up debt against his vague promises.

You are really unlikely to be able to reach a satisfactory budget with him. When do your current tenants leave? Perhaps you should be looking to move out at that point? Can you cram in a lodger to add income? Take a second job from home? Take in ironing?

I suspect, btw, that the contraception issue is a side issue. Lots of men dislike them, but prefer sex with to no sex if other choices are permanently or temporarily ruled out. There are more options an the pill for you. But I can see why you aren't seeking them out if you know deep down you don't want sex with him either.

You and your kids come first and although money doesnt buy happiness, it gives security. Start applying for jobs as if you are worth £30-£35k then that will transform your life after being on 11.5k for a few years. You are clearly intelligent and qualified to have been in that sort of role previously. Loans will not plug the gap for long and he has had a pay cut not promo, so time for your to realise your income potential. Apply where you live and near your old home. Talk to your oh about what's going on and see what he thinks, but he does sound depressed with anxiety. Massive assumption but considering his relationship with his family may be worth investigating.

Kids generally happily move around when they are younger if the parent(s) are happy an life is positive, so don't worry too much about moving your son, make sure you are making yourself and dc content and secure, whatever route you take. And hope oh gets on board, but If he doesn't, then he must take rponsibility for it, not you!

Ha ha sorry had to laugh man child is right. Is that not right for all of them? My ex was selfish behaved like a kid computer games the gym I had to fit it all around him. And then my partner now. Good things with my current partner are: Hes a good dad he is loving as in cuddles and has been there for me. But for some reason since hes owned his house money worries are mine. He pays all bills. I pay Tv internet shortfall of mortgage and childcare and loans. Now im in the crap. He knows as well. I have spelt it out. Why am I doing all the worrying and sorting it all? He says nothing then says he needs time to think. Well.if I had done that in March we would be screwed. Maybe I should have that attitude. Oh wait I cant as I worry about the kids and where would we be if I did that? Thanks very much for the replies. Much appreciated. Nice to know you are not going insane. Well not totally.

Thanks think people are saying what I think deep down. I just want to make this work. His family are not right and coming frim a family where my dad is schitzophrenic I should know!! They have too much time and are nasty about everyone. They ran.out of people so his mum started on him. He also was told about his dad a few years ago by his mum. He did not know him until then. So there has always been issues for us. And now they seem ok for now were still not getting on because of money. Maybe we were never ment to get on and all the other things I thought were the issue but are not. maybe were not supposed to be together. I dont think I can afford to live on my own will see.

"Is that not right for all of them?"

No.

And if you are paying bills and mortgage shortfall, in a property in which you (presumably have no current stake and uncertain prospects of getting much if any), he really is taking you for a ride financially. Presumably there's no Will in your favour either? You have put yourself in a very exposed position - you need to get back to greater independence. And stop paying for his step up the property ladder - for that's what your loan is really achieving.

" I dont think I can afford to live on my own will see."

From your posts, it doean't sound like you can afford to live with him either. This is a horrible position to be in. But you have no reason to trust him to behave well with money, and as you are not married it's his choice whether or not he supports you. Indeed all you have now is obligation to support his child (maintenance) and a legal squabble to get back some of what you paid over for his mortgage. You can do better than this.

Meditrina yes you are right. Im afraid its all just clicking into place. I was trying to make the bills "fair" but I can see it is not really. If I got great wages then fab no worries. Hes on 31k and had a pay cut of 200 pounds per month. So not that bad. He buys food and all the bills. Accept tv/ internet . I did say ages ago you pay the tv. But he was not sure. I end up topping up shopping every week by 35 quid I buy all the kids clothes Hes never brought any. Neither did my ex. I feel all the money falls on the woman. Fed up really and had enough of being taken for a ride. Im not on hi mortgage as if were on it is my house then not seen as savings? This would then effect our childcare element?

As you already have a property, being a part-owner of his will (probably) make little difference to entitlement to any benefits (your rental income will have made a bigger difference anyhow - if you moved back to your own property, there's a good chance TCs would go up as your income will drop - but you need proper advice about this).

What it means in practice is that you are handing over money to him to enable him to pay an otherwise unaffordable mortgage. And as you already own a property and only one of DCs is his, I think you'd be unlikely to secure an order allowing you to stay in this house in the event of split.

He has no problem with me being on the mortgage it was me worrying how it would effect us maybe? I can see all this now. Im going to wait and see if he brings up anything about a joint account. If he does not then well that speaks volumes in its self. I will persue the issues before I go to the bank in sat. I said I have nothing left to give now. So its all going to be on him christmas and next year. He was fine about that. I told him he will need to give me 300 per month after christmas. Or he can take the loan out. I have brought a car with this loan as myold one was nearly done in. Got one for 3k. I have brought things for the kids a trapoline which was 100 but I figured pay that and they will use it in the summer better than paying for trips out which would of cost more.They love it. I got my son a tower for the pc ready for him to do homework on 280 then I ran.out of clothes so spent 100 on clothes thats what I have got for my self since March. I dont feel I have been crazy in any way. Oh and my.first holiday in 7 years cost 500 quid as we shared with my mum. So maybe I should not of got some of those things? My partner could always of got things for the kids. Dont know why its always me. Mum gave me some money towards some of the things as well. She is getting worried as well I think. She has done more than enough for me. My mum is anazing in many ways. She is coming down this weekend Im worried she will think im an idiot. I will of let us both down.

Dont worry I dont want ro stay here if we split I would move home once a job was lined up. I just dont know how my 2 1/2 yr old will take it. He loves his daddy. My heads a mess. Need to aim for something and for the first time in my life im not sure where im aiming. Even when it was over with my ex I knew I wanted to leave. Even though my head was a mess. But I really dont know what to do or where to go now.

I don't think anyone here can tell you about the "should/shouldn't" of any particular item of expenditure. You need to sit down with an adviser and work out a future budget which balances. At the moment, you are living beyond your means.

"My partner could always of got things for the kids. Dont know why its always me." This is an important point - you do need to work out why you are with him and so ready to facilitate his moves up the property ladder at your direct and indirect expense.

I don't think you're letting anyone down, btw, though think you might do in future is you do not act on your current concerns and secure your finances properly.

Can I say - and this is not a pop at you Scruffyhound

I'm tired of people saying he is a nice man he loves the DC.

FFS thats a bare minimum. he's just doing what he is supposed to do.

You seem to have been in turmoil for so long (ex, current P, family) that I think you've forgotten what it's like to be in a normal relationship/life.

You're feeding on crumbs (he likes DC and pays his rent/mortgage) - come on Scruffy

I'm going to take a wild guess - you think he's attractive and you think you got a catch (else what else would you do all this for?), that he saved you from your ex and the turmoil at home. - Wrong.

You're an option, a possible scenario, a maybe, a 'if this happens I will stay with her'

Cruel - I know!

In the words of Maya Angelou - Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

Given the extreme reaction his nasty mother produces on your DP, sounds like a move to your neck of the woods would be a good thing for him at this point. What about a switch - he could rent his place out and live with you? I hope the mortgage shortfall is the difference between the rent and mortgage on your place and your not paying towards his place given that you have no rights to anything should you split.
Perhaps some thought turned to why it is you keep unnecessarily paying sigle-handedly for what is others shared responsibility - ie. loan, childcare, holiday, trampoline, clothing. All these things are shared by others so the cost should be. It's too late after the spend to complain about things, get the money first for anything to be shared or it doesn't happen, simple as.
Btw, your name on the mortgage has no bearing on what childcare element in tax you get, it's household income that it's based on so that may have been an excuse to keep you from any future claim to the equity.

Hi yes these are valid points. I do think hes attractive but not that much that Im amazed hes with me. Im amazed Im with him still!! Nice to know about the mortgage. It was me that did not want togo onto this mortgage. So thats not the issue. As far as I know me and the kids get the house if he should pass away. I just dont get the issue of me sorting out all of the problems. He was shocked when I said I could get a loan for 15k. I asked him to ask his stepdad in a way if he could expect a promotion. And to seebefore I took th e loan. He kept saying he wasout of the office or he was only there for an hour. So no balls to ask is the problem. His stepdad leaves for abroad soon they had a place built 6 bedroom house. They har selling their current home for 1 million. So His stepdad was supposed to leave April just gone leaving a promotion avalible. There is a guy to do his stepdads job but then my.partner was going to go for the.position that would of been open. I took the.loan to keep us covered for 1.5 years. We are still waiting for his stepdad to leave their house is on the market it has been for 3 months. But in stead in April my partner got a pay cut. If he gets the promotion (which there is only one other person and he does not want it) then we could breathe. Im just fed up.of the lack of support whilst were waiting to see and is it worth hanging around. He needs to talk to his stepdad or his step uncle (as he shares the buisness with him). But in the mean time I feel shit on. And yes its driving me away. I have said this but he does not say anything really which then pisses me off and I get cross. Anyway I will be bringing this up again before saturday. I need a plan to get things straight. Just not sure what.

Hi yes these are valid points. I do think hes attractive but not that much that Im amazed hes with me. Im amazed Im with him still!! Nice to know about the mortgage. It was me that did not want togo onto this mortgage. So thats not the issue. As far as I know me and the kids get the house if he should pass away. I just dont get the issue of me sorting out all of the problems. He was shocked when I said I could get a loan for 15k. I asked him to ask his stepdad in a way if he could expect a promotion. And to seebefore I took th e loan. He kept saying he wasout of the office or he was only there for an hour. So no balls to ask is the problem. His stepdad leaves for abroad soon they had a place built 6 bedroom house. They har selling their current home for 1 million. So His stepdad was supposed to leave April just gone leaving a promotion avalible. There is a guy to do his stepdads job but then my.partner was going to go for the.position that would of been open. I took the.loan to keep us covered for 1.5 years. We are still waiting for his stepdad to leave their house is on the market it has been for 3 months. But in stead in April my partner got a pay cut. If he gets the promotion (which there is only one other person and he does not want it) then we could breathe. Im just fed up.of the lack of support whilst were waiting to see and is it worth hanging around. He needs to talk to his stepdad or his step uncle (as he shares the buisness with him). But in the mean time I feel shit on. And yes its driving me away. I have said this but he does not say anything really which then pisses me off and I get cross. Anyway I will be bringing this up again before saturday. I need a plan to get things straight. Just not sure what.