This is what he always does

[NotHappyEither]

Me and DH seem to go round and round. At the moment we're in the 'happy' part of the cycle. He gradually gets more and more miserable and angrier and shoutier until something happens (for example we had a weekend of me trying to get him to see he's being unreasonable and him being defensive and angry) and then he calms down and is all happy and sorry and lovely.

The thing is its draining. Me and the dc have been on the receiving end of his crappy moods for the last few weeks. Their behaviour is worse. I don't even feel relaxed because I know it will just go round again. I don't believe he'll carry on being lovely, I can almost see him biting his tongue when he goes to make some negative comment. It's like he's fighting against who he actually is.

I don't know what to do. I'm sure life doesn't need to be this hard but then I wonder if maybe its just one of lifes ups and downs. It could be worse but I'm just tired of it. I don't even know what I want from this post.

Could you ask him to counselling to try and sort it out?

The trouble is he finds it hard to see that there is a problem, its always that he's worried about work or family or anything that excuses why he's behaved like that. We split for a while and he told me he did some anger management course. Told me all about it and how it had made him understand all sorts about himself but actually now I don't believe he ever did anything of the sort.

We went to counselling together for a bit before we got back together but I feel like he just said whatever he had to to get us back together. His lies are unbelievable and even completely pointless sometimes. I don't know why he does it.

I have and do have this with my partner. Normally when I mention something we need to address that is important. like money or a serious situation that needs talking about. I say he sits there and says nothing. Then sulks like a child. Then I try to cheer him up. Its very frustrating. I suggest this. Ask him why hes being like that. Then if he says nothing try to carry on and ignor him. If he really gets on your nerves can.u and the dc go out anywhere. Make a life of your own. By all means give him a chance to explain and say you are there but do not be around all the time. Do not put your life on hold try to get out and enjoy your self with dc if possible. Hes missing out. See how it goes xx

So he's not only a miserable git but a lying miserable git. I married one of those once. I can't begin to tell you how much I don't miss him.

Yes my partner suffers with anger issues. And it pisses me off. He is very selfish wirh it. I think they want somwone to look after them thats all. Get a life of your own. Try to enjoy things wirh friends and dc.

My XH was like this, miserable, moody, disengaged from the kids and would often bite his tongue to stop himself overflowing with anger. I lived with it for years then gave him an ultimatum: sort your anger out or go. He went to GP and got antidepressants and counselling. Three years later we were back at square one. Hence he is now my XH.

I would advise learning some assertive phrases when these moods arise: eg I know you are upset about X but there is no reason to behave like this, please leave, go for a walk until your mood improves'. Also, individual counselling to explore emotional boundaries. Sounds as though you can feel history may be repeating itself. In which case it may be time for a serious chat with him? To me it sounds like you need to do more than 'get out on your own with the kids and see friends'. But that's just me (out the other side, so to speak).

Scruffy that sounds very familiar. Any small issues which are basically just a bit of a pain in the ass but certainly not disastrous, are met with ranting and raving and 'oh my god what ARE we going to do' and I have to calm him down. Explaining why its not the end of the world etc etc.

I do try and carry on like normal for the dc. I have basically built this normal life for me and dc which he sometimes participates in and sometimes just doesn't bother. I feel the same, that he is missing out.

The thing is when we were apart he was great with the dc and suddenly couldn't do enough but its as if he only does anything if he can see what he can get out of it. Like by being a great dad and a lovely guy he would get me back. Now we're back together he's not got to bother as much.

I feel guilty writing this in a way because I know he does work really hard and we have had some great times. Like this time I've pointed out that he's ruining things again and eventually he's come round and is now being really understanding. But its screwing with my head because after so many times I just know deep down it won't last.

Nobody likes to be told they are being unreasonable OP, maybe you need to look at yourself and see how you approach this, it may not all be him.

Also why don't you believe him about the anger management, why do you think he just said what he thought would get you back together, seems to me you have issues too just from that aspect. Issues like Trust and honesty from you. If couples are having difficulties it's a communication issue, it's not always down to one party.

I know and that is something I do wonder. Should I just carry on and accept him for how he is?

The reason I think he's lying is because he lies all the time. Almost compulsively. Everyone who knows him well knows he lies but not everyone knows the extent of it. He lies about every day stuff, makes up stories about what's happened, exaggerates or changes the way things occured. He also forgets what he's said so will quite often tell me one thing and then at a later date tell me something completely different.

I do wonder if I'm asking too much though. When he's being lovely there's no real problem. I just wish we didn't have to go through him being the way he is to get to the lovely stage. He'll swear and shout at me and the dc and make us all walk on egg shells so we don't set him off. I want to be able to tell him thats unreasonable but maybe its the way I'm saying it.

Well I don't think you need to look at yourself at all.
Maybe how you react to his behaviour.
As the saying goes:-

If you don't get on the carousel, you won't go round in circles.

Do what you feel happy with and stop putting up with the moods.
Tell him you won't put up with it anymore and if he goes back to being moody you will ask him to leave!

I know and mostly I just jolly along and try to carry on being positive no matter what he's doing. He can get pretty nasty though and say some vile things. He'll just go on and on relentlessly until he gets a reaction. But I still would never speak to him the way he does to me. It's so completely disrespectful.

But like now he's being ok and I wonder what all the fuss was about. My emotions are calming down and life is calm again. I genuinely can't decide if I'm just expecting too much. Life isn't always prefect and I know that having been together 10 years we wont always get along.

I couldn't ever ask him to leave, he's made it quite clear that if we ever split again he wouldn't be going anywhere.