What to do now it has dawned on me what an abusive manipulative x i have

[Festivefly]

Reading lavenders thread i realise how much my x has messed with my mind. I feel guilty writing this. I just went through the list of when you know its bad that someone had put a link too, i could tick off most of that link. My boyfriend was very aggresive, but i loved him, i didn't think i was that person and before i went through it, i would have thought i would be the kind to walk out. I didn't, he did, i would never have left him. I wanted to help. The reason i am not writing this on lavenders thread is that i need some completly different advice and didn't want to hijack it.
It is still really difficult to admit some of the things that happened.I know i changed over the years, i truly believed the things he said, and my confidence was slowly destroyed. You may wonder why i miss him so much in that case. I can't explain that even to myself, because i suppose when it was good it was fantastic. We were a superb couple. Now i look back i lived a double life. Half devastating, half out of this world. It was quite a mind f@ck.

Anyway as time away from him moves on, my head is still messy, i have wonderful memories, and a lot of fussy ones. I can't actually put into words how he got into my head. But i definetly know reading other threads that he wasn't right to me.
I have even asked him recently why certain things happened, it is still my fault. I have a terrible temper when i am verbally abused, i can't stand for it. He constantly tells me this and i start to think i am just like him so we both deserved each other. The thing is though i was really frightened of him when he turned, i shut up then. Many times i have been in a corner shaking.
I do still feel disloyal by telling this. It is madness, but i always thought that goodness would prevail.
My concern is though, and this is why i have brought it up. I don't think i want my children staying with him. I was just in bed and something was keeping me awake. It dawned on me that he could lose it with them. He never has, but what if i am not there and he can't take it out on someone else. I used to think it was just for me and i wound him up the wrong way. What if i am wrong? What if they answer him back when they are older or wind him up the wrong way. I do want him to have contact with them, i don't want to deny my children of their father. They need the good things he has to offer, he is a lovely dad.
I am scared to death now of the decision i have to make.

FF I hope you are ok? I dont know what to suggest because I have no experience of being a mother in these circumstances but a daughter. My father was a manipulative bully to my mother and a serial adulterer until one day she threw him out. I always thought he was a lovely man but as the years went by and I grew older I realised he manipulated me aswell and my sister. I no longer have contact with him. He was never violent to us but he was mentally manipulative (hard to explain)

I wouldnt think your ex would be violent to your ds's if he hasnt been previously. The amount of time he spends with them is minimal, so he most probably makes the most of it and they dont wind him up. However if you ever have feelings that he is messing with their heads, making them feel insecure (which they will anyway with him to a degree) or being violent you will of course have to stop contact. I am sorry I dont know what else to say, just wanted to acknowledge your post and say I am thinking of youxxx (bet that sounds dead soppy!)

A solicitor can force him to have supervised visits only and it's very easy to get if you have suffered abuse/say you fear for his safety. Are you entitled to legal aid? if you are you have nothing to lose. Find a solicitor that specialises in family law and go for a free consultation - explain your concerns and see what they say.

It just depends if that's what you really want. Sorry you are still having such a tough time, I had a relationship like yours a long time ago now - fantastic when it was good (and I mean truly amazing) and really bad when it was bad. I often wonder if I'll find that sort of feeling in a 'normal' relationship. I wonder if the extent of the bad time was what heightened the good times to an extreme level.

Fio, thanks, i know what you mean about hard to explain

Fizog i don't think you find it at all in a normal realtionship. It is extreme. I'd rather not drag this through a court. He has only had them over a few times, and we are seeing a mediator, so i can put forward any requests i want. I am scared that he will mentally scar them. I think my point is that he is a bit of a weak roll model.
He only hit me once or twice ( before anyone jumps on the bandwagon to tell me once is enough. I know this.) The rest was mainly abuse and throwing, or kicking things.
I am fine, i just want to make sure i have a really good think about the rest of my childrens life. They are happy and secure now, they haven't seen him for months, i would hate anything to set them back.

FF - thinking of you here as I read this. You could describe your concerns to the mediator of course as you know. Also, as he has not seen the children for months, is regular visitation still a possiblity? I can imagine how much you want to protect them. I have a blended family and my DH's Xwife abandoned the two older childrennot to go on and on about it, I also didn't feel that she was a good role model and it took me 3 years to finally "force" a visitiation as she was living several states away and couldn't afford to come and see her children. We arranged it, drove up there, booked the hotel, brought her Aunt up there with us (as mediator if necessary). There is something different about a parent's love, you might just have to trust that in himI don't know what the answer is, just wanted to offer up my experience and to let you know that having the boys visit with their Mom was the right thing. It was very healing for them and looking back, I know it was the right thing to do--it killed me to do it at the time, but my sacrifice was a load of crap compared to the boy's pain. It has opened up the communication and was the start of "regular" phone calls from her that at least that they could depend on. Try not to be afraid.

Thanks sunny you make a lot of sense. I will bring it up with the mediator and only let him see them for a day at a time at first till i monitor the situation closer. I don't want them to grow up not seeing him but i didn't want him loosing it with them either. Once i mention it infront of someone else though i think he will realise i am holding most of the cards and he will have to behave himself.
Thankyou x