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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is far too sensitive, please help me tackle'

17 replies

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 21:53

Another argument tonight. DC esp DD who is 6 has been especially trying this last few weeks. She was refusing to go to bed and DH screamed at her. He's always like this screams and shouts like a madman and then denies it saying he was reasonable and that it was him trying to deal with the situation. He cannot accept any criticism or fault finding but is very quick to accuse me of controlling what he does and that I'm the aggressive one.

We are having counselling but Im getting fed up with it as I feel our male counsellor takes DH side. I've tried to express my frustration but always seem to be portrayed as the feisty emotional one whereas DH portrays himself as quite reasonable.

Really fed up as everytime I try to explain frustration at his unreasonableness I have to give specific examples(my memory is attrocious on details of events and times) and because I can't I'm seen as being irrational and that I am wrong and cause the arguments. Because counsellor sees his side it feels impossible to get him to see his faults. Hate that he can criticise and raise his voice (with that annoying eyes up to the ceiling that makes me look bad to others).

Sorry this is one jumble of emotions but really fed up tonight and need some help trying to get him to see things for how they are and from my perspective.

The DC are definitely pushing buttons and as DD is now being exceptionally trying at the moment I think she is picking up our bad argumentative habits.

Thanks if anyone can help x

OP posts:

MNiscold · 28/08/2013 21:57

Oh I do remember 6 year olds being really good at pushing buttons....

Can you write down details when something happens, so you don't have to remember everything when you see the counselor? And I remember someone suggesting recording H when he's getting loud - can play that back to him so he hears how bad he gets, and/or play that for counselor, too.... could be interesting!

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:03

I might try that, thanks!

Even when he raises his voice and I tell him when he's doing it he in turn accuses me of shouting and as I said before trying to control him and tell him what to do, it's like dealing with a child which to my shame I have said .

Just need to say right things for him to change and see my POV.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:05

He's downstairs whilst I'm stuck up here on my phone. Again.

OP posts:

MNiscold · 28/08/2013 22:07

I'm not sure that saying " right things for him to change and see my POV." will actually work. It does sound like he's pretty controlling himself, and men like that usually don't come around that easily.

It DOES sound like dealing with a child - about 13 years old! - but I know full-size men can be pretty intimidating. He probably does resent it if you get involved as he's dealing with DD, but I think recording him while just standing out of the way and not saying anything might be helpful.

Good luck!

SolidGoldBrass · 28/08/2013 22:13

Does he stamp and roar and screeeeeeeam when he doesn't get his own way at work? If not, this is about him trying to train the rest of the family to worship him as an angry god, He Who Must be Obeyed.

Hissy · 28/08/2013 22:15

Stop the counselling, the joint stuff anyway.

My theory is that the controlling aspect your H is accusing you of, is actually what he is.

Roaring at a child to get his own way, then denying it? That's really not acceptable!

My worry is that, at best, this guy's manipulative, and is using the counsellor to strengthen his position.

He's apparently minor league, but he sounds abusive to me.

Stop joint counselling today get counselling for yourself, to gain strength and insight as to boundaries, deal breakers and safe parenting.

bestfriendActually · 28/08/2013 22:18

A full-size man should not be screaming at a 6 year old child no matter how many buttons she is pressing! This isn't right!

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:22

Thanks all. I think the words he uses about me being controlling are about him.

I can predict that for any recordings of him shouting and picking at me or DC will be side swerved.

solidgold again to my shame I've said that about his behaviour at work, but I've had that thrown in my face too, that its my behaviour that makes him this way. He is like a politician in that he has a smart comeback for everything that I question him on.

OP posts:

ageofgrandillusion · 28/08/2013 22:33

Do you actually even like this guy OP?

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:33

I have thought it to be abusive before and posted on here previously hence counselling but as you rightly pointed out it has been to his advantage as he has an ally in the counsellor. I've said I'm not going back as feel it has not helped us.

I suppose when he shouts and tells DC off I have stepped in and counsellor said that undermined DH but I have had to diffuse the situation. I'm not perfect but think I balance the disciplining with being loving. Any advice on good parenting techniques would be helpful from you all too although I get accused of sending DC mixed messages.

Sorry this is all over the place but his unreasonableness and tiring young DC have worn me out and I'm quite frankly so fed up and frustrated. I always feel tense and unhappy, I've previously been diagnosed with depression which I'm trying to keep on top of.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:38

Yes ageofgrand I do still like and love him. We've been together 8/9 years, we blow hot and cold, sometimes we get on great but when we disagree or when I'm apparently fault finding it's horrible, like tonight. I wouldn't look at anyone else, not that anyone else would put up with me.

OP posts:

TVTonight · 28/08/2013 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smallandimperfectlyformed · 28/08/2013 22:42

Why wouldn't anyone put up with you? Is that what you think or is that something he says? Because if he does say that to you, he is being awful.

Original poster

Sillymooo · 28/08/2013 22:57

No that is definitely me what with the size of me amongst other things.

OP posts:

slipperySlip000 · 28/08/2013 23:16

Having a different opinion on managing a 6yo is one thing. Screaming at a child then denying/minimising/justifying is quite another. My XH used to do this. His particular low point involved shouting at dd1 as she hung up her stocking for Father Christmas on Xmas Eve.

I agree with whoever suggested counselling alone for OP, to explore emotional boundaries and healthy parenting. In my view, OP, if you are 'always tense and unhappy' you are walking on eggshells. Minor league abuse sums it up very well. I would also recommend enrolling on The Freedom Program, either online or IRL.

Cluffyflump · 28/08/2013 23:28

I also suggest solo counselling.
He isn't sounding very nice at all

Would you like somone to treat your Dd the way he treats you?
I don't think you would and if I'm right, you need help to get yourself sorted so you don't believe you deserve this treatment.

Kiwiinkits · 29/08/2013 02:34

A counselor isn't a judge. He or she is not there to find fault or adjudicate who is right or wrong. They are there to help you talk about your issues and find things that YOU can change.

You might find that your DH feels that the counselor isn't taking HIS side.

That said, shouty stroppiness is shit for everyone. Your DH needs to mind his temper.

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