Advice on how to get him to move out

[RollerCola]

I'm in need of some assertiveness help. My husband & I decided to separate 6 weeks ago. I am going to stay in the family home with the dcs & buy his share. I'm am currently in talks with our current lender to discuss extra borrowing etc.

We have agreed the percentage equity split & most other details regarding childcare etc. But he won't move out until we have both signed a financial consent order as he seems to think that once he's left I could change my mind. We own the house jointly at the moment.

I've explained that it'll take me a while to sort out my finances & that in the meantime I think he should think about renting somewhere to give us both space but he won't. Living in the same house (& having to share a bed ) is unbearable but he's not lifting a finger to help with anything. He's just waiting for me to sort everything out.

We've agreed that I will divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, so he's not even bothering to get a solicitor. He's said he'll move out when the legal documents are prepared, but I don't feel I can ask my solicitor to prepare them yet as I've not got my finances agreed yet.

He's barely started looking at houses for himself, & although he says he wants to buy one he has no clue whether he can get a mortgage. He's made no effort to see the bank or get any kind of advice.

I'm desperate for him to move out but can't see me getting sorted financially for weeks yet. Should I give him a deadline? It's still his house so I probably can't just 'kick him out' but he's making no effort to do anything.

Unfortunately you can't, legally, throw him out unless he is violent.

How old are your DC? Because it could help if you withdraw all domestic services (ie cook for yourself and DC but not for him, make him do his own washing etc) but if he is selfish and manipulative (which he sounds) and the DC are old enough to fall for 'Mummy's being horrible to me, isn't mummy a cow?' then it's going to be more difficult.

But your main priority probably needs to be not sleeping in the same bed. COule you put a mattress in DC's bedroom? Campbed on the living room floor?

Well on the plus side it seems that he's agreeing with everything and that you're not at each other's throats. You know that eventually you will get your finances sorted and things will move forward so probably best to focus on that - at least there will be an end point if you just keep working to the plan you have both agreed.

Perhaps someone advised him against moving out?

Agree it is crazy to be still sleeping in the same bed - can't one of you at least go on the sofa?

To be honest, most nights I end up on the sofa because I can't bear being in the same bed as him. He doesn't seem bothered but he has bought an airbed & slept on that last night as he felt guilty seeing me on the sofa.

The children have known we're separating (they're 11 & 6) for the last 3 weeks & in a way it's given them time to get used to the idea before he actually moves out. But if too much time goes by they're going to start getting confused. Plus dd starts high school next week so there's really no avoiding disrupting her now .

I just feel in limbo, I know 6 weeks isn't that long but it feels like we've been limping on like this for ages now.

Ok, that's quite a good sign. He may have been advised by someone not to leave the house until he has to even though you are beingreasonable about finance etc. If he is being civil, then it's perhaps as well to try to accept it for the moment but, if there's no progress within a month or so, go back to your own solicitor and see what else can be done.

Best off cracking on with the divorce... there's no reason you can't draw up the financial agreement at the same time as the divorce papers as you can submit them to court at the same time.

But I'm not yet sure whether I can borrow the money I need - I presume I need to wait for confirmation from my lender before I draw up a financial agreement?

might be worth posting on the legal board to check? certainly you don't want to draw something up which might need to be changed as that would cost you extra.

my stbx had similar advice not to move out, but I was never sure why. he doesn't lose any of his claim to his fair share.

I know, he's still half owner of the house & will be until he signs it over to me so I don't know what he's worried about.

He's just dragging his heels now. It's awful, I can't even bear to look at him . I just want him to go.