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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

another grumpy dh thread

14 replies

oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 00:24

Difference here being i dont help matters by being a highly strong partner.

Hope someone can help.
Firstly im very happy with dp,we hsve been togethrr many yrs snd have 4 dc's.get on well, he is a good decent bloke who has the same morals as i do. However he can be very serious whereas im tge opposite. He can put a dampener on fun stuff with his serious face,tho he denies this.

Another issue is,though again he would deny,is i feel he finds it difficult just to chill out and 'loosen' up when we do stuff as a family. He will often kill the moment when we sre out for the dsy, for example by suggesting its time to leave or put dc to bed. Im all for rules and generally we have good routines.

NYWAY, we have recently had a great family hol and reasonably stress free despite youngest dc quite prone tantrums on s regular basis. Now the problem is we have just had a mini break, a abreak he wasnt keen on as he feels hes done his family bit and didnt want to waste money listening tk kids arguing and dc havin a million tantrums. It was somrthing ibwanted ti do though

Well first day in dc4 had major hissy fit in public followed by dp saying ' i told u so' . 'Shoukdnt have come etc .i got all defensive abd we had major row in front of dc's which admitedly i woukdnt drop. He then basicaly blanked me for our time there.i was totally distracted eith the children then which i now feel guilty for. I took it personally as he k ew how much i wanted to go in the first place. I think he believes we should keep stressful activities to a minimum whsy the dcs are little. Again i disagree as in that case we will be waiting yrs begore our holidays are stress free.

I cant bear to speak to him now and feel awfuk for the dcs and i so want to take them away on my own to counteract the crap break they have just had.

Btw im a regular buy namechanged as although mumsnet gives fab advice its also can give a lot of flack!
How do i handle this?

Excuse typos- on phone.

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 28/08/2013 07:57

Sounds like he has a point.

jchocchip · 28/08/2013 08:01

When does school term start?

oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 09:53

Sorry i went to bed last night as i hsd no responses.
Yes i agree that he has a point. However,my argument is that any trips or holidays is stressful but that wont change for years. Not doing anything at all to avoid a potential stressful situation surely is not the answer.

OP posts:
oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 09:55

Term starts next wk.Confused.

OP posts:
oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 10:05

Has anyone got any helpful comments or dealt with similar situation as myself?

OP posts:
goonyagoodthing · 28/08/2013 10:29

I have no advice only I deal with this shit on a daily basis from DH and he makes life shit for us and for the kids. Its not nice and I understand how you feel. I would love to have words of wisdom for you but it would suit me better sort my own life out before preaching to you. If you come up with any solutions I would love to hear them.

oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 10:38

Goony you sound pissed off.

I wouldnt say i deal with it on a daily basis but my dp seriously needs to lighten up regarding leisure activities. I honestly think he would be quite happy to avoid any holidays till the dcs have grown up.
Yes its stressful with kids but thats what you sign up to as a parent. Plus generally its still fun snd better than being at home.

OP posts:
oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 15:23

No other comments?must be least answered thread ever!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/08/2013 16:41

how old are the dc?

you contradict yourself saying you very happy with him --then about how you arent happy with him?

oliviaoil · 28/08/2013 17:07

Dcs 13,8 5 and 3. I am happy and i know it sounds like a contradiction but it does irritate me that he has no get up and go at times or rather he wants to meals out,hols etc to a minimum. He does lots with kids like going psrk snd stuff. I love weekend breaks which are adult fun too.
We have no one to babysit(or rarely),therefore if we didnt go with kids we couldnt at all! Which doesnt seemto bother him.

OP posts:
jchocchip · 28/08/2013 20:06

No real answers. With wide age range often one or other of dcs will feel they don't want to do an activity. How about sitting down with the dcs and choosing activities so you have a timetable for the weekend/ day out. This has worked with my teenagers better than me just telling them what we are doing next. Can be free / lowcost things like activity at gallery or park, picnic, icecreams hour shopping for stuff. Kids then know what to expect/ endure / look forward to and give your dh structure too...

JustinBsMum · 28/08/2013 20:22

Are you SAHM and he a working DH. Because my DH, who works away from home a lot, always wants to spend his days off at home. Whereas if you are home all day you are desperate to go out.

wordyBird · 28/08/2013 20:28

Not doing anything at all to avoid a potential stressful situation surely is not the answer.

I couldn't agree more. And if you don't respond reasonably well to the stresses of having children, and don't like to loosen up and have fun sometimes, then a large family is going to be very hard work.

It's hard to pin down what might be wrong, but it seems strange that your DH didn't want to do the mini-break because he's 'done his family bit'. Makes it sound like a job he needs to tick off?

But with four children aged 3 to 13, the family bit isn't going to be 'done' for several years: your family is your life. :)

So not sure what's going on or what to suggest. It sounds as if you have different ideas of fun, and that needs discussing so that you can all be reasonably happy.

It's a shame he resorts to blanking you when unhappy - that doesn't seem much of an example to set the children. Something else to discuss, maybe?

ChairmanWow · 28/08/2013 22:19

My DH is very similar. He won't take any risks at all. I had to fight to get a week in Wales. He won't go on a plane with DD yet as she's only a few months old and DS is 2.5. Whilst in Wales DS had quite a few tantrums and DH was giving me 'I told you so' looks. I know it'll be even harder to get another holiday and am totally sick of his negative attitude.

My view, which I've shared with him, is that the kids will never get used to being away from home unless they keep experiencing it. Holidays are something they have to learn to do, like everything else. An 8 year old who has never been away will cling to their parents. And like you say, it's a long wait til they're off doing their own thing.

Keep fighting your corner. I'll be fighting mine!

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