How to help BIL and FIL get along? This is affecting DP. (Long)

[Cookieshaper]

Hello,

Disclaimer: This is going to be a long family related story. It's not very exciting but I need some advice. It is quite long as I do not want to drip feed.

MIL passed away before DP and I got together. FIL now has a long term partner. My BIL (DP's brother) has been a difficult child, teenager, adult. He has a history of violence and strange behaviour, was kicked out of school, and was diagnosed with SN.

A few years ago BIL fell out with FIL. BIL asked FIL to choose between his son (BIL) and his partner. FIL refused to choose so BIL will not speak to him anymore.

Dead MIL's sister has been adding fuel to the fire. She does not want the boys to get along with FIL. She constantly brings up anecdotes on how FIL apparently misstreated their mother. The boys went to boarding school and they cannot actually recall incidents themselves. She also accused FIL of cheating with his now partner while MIL was alive.

BIL cannot cope with change generally. This situation is really affecting DP. DP loves both his dad and his brother. However he is torn from all sides.

I think that BIL needs professional help. However I am not sure how to help him. BIL has not very nice to me, but I bear with him for DP's sake.

How can we as a family help BIL and FIL to try to mend things?

Is your bil receiving any help from social services and so on-as an adult with special needs he is vulnerable and needs support. How sad that your bil had to suffer through undx sn at boarding school and has now broken contact.
Could your fil need to be more educated about bil's sn?
Could bil need counselling?

Honestly? You need to butt out. It's not your place to do anything.

Sorry, that sounded harsh. I know it must be a pain but it really isn't your place.

BIL had to be sent to boarding school after he was kicked out of all local schools. He sent my DP MANY times to hospital with various dislocations. My DP's childhood was a living hell from the abuses his brother made him suffer.

I think parents were not educated as much about SN in those days.

I know it's not my place. However I know that BIL loves FIL. Should FIL pass away during this feud, BIL is definitely go mad. And this will affect DP. :(

'SN' such a catch all phrase. You dont give ages either.

if BIL 'goes mad' you can get SS to deal with it.

BIL is 27 and DP is 25.

BIL has proper SN issues - think torture baby animals. I personally feel that he has a lot of repressed anger which is misdirected.

I would like him to have some counselling sessions with FIL. I am not sure how to make it happen though.