Have name changed. To give the background, I've been with the same man for ~15 years and married for 7. I'm 40. He had an affair and left me and DS but returned and we are working on our marriage, seeing a couple's counsellor etc. I believe that a big part of why he did what he did was the cooling off of our sexual relationship as we TTC (fairly big problems) and then again after our DS eventually arrived. We had so much sex by numbers when TTC that it became very boring. After birth, I was tired from childcare and felt unsexy and wanted personal space, as odd as it might sound. A gap opened up and we had sex very rarely.
Since he returned, he has been in the spare room and we have not kissed, let alone anything else.
Before all the above, our sex life was ok but if I'm honest I always felt let down by it. I never have orgasms through sex and find it really really hard to let go with someone else there. His technique was not great but as other areas of our life were really great, I took it as a compromise and was happy with that.
Now of course the re-examining of everything our relationship has been, is and will be is making me question this. I know I don't want a return to those old days but I am CRIPPLED by fear of talking about what I might want. I bought a vibrator (not my first) while he was off with his OW and it is so good I don't want to lose it, and would love to incorporate it into a proper sex life, but if I'm truthful it mortifies me to think of confessing that I have it, let alone showing him (it is quite big!) and using it with him. It feels too much.
But if we don't fix the sex problems then the marriage is not going to have my full commitment, if that's the right word. I wouldn't stray, but I might well keep the vibrator hidden in my cupboard and only use it in private and frankly have nightmares about being found out and humiliated.
This feels really fucked up. Why can't I share this stuff with him - it's not outrageous, is important and without it we might never get on track together. I just can't begin to imagine the situation in which I'm confident enough to discuss it with him. Please help me!