DH and work

[bigfuckoffpie]

Sorry, this isn't as big a problem as loads of people have on here, but I'm at the end of my tether with DH and his attitude towards work.

I had a part time job A that, for practical reasons, I have to stay close to. We'd like to move, so it made sense to do something else.

DH was made redundant at around the same time as we had DH. He was going to look for a good job but got offered a part time job with his friend, which he does along with freelancing.

We discussed it at length, and decided I'd keep job A, look for something less tying, and DH would also look for other work or to try and build up his business.

Around the same time as I came back from maternity leave, I found another job, B, which I can do from anywhere. I also picked up a bit of freelancing. And I do the bulk of the childcare.

DH hasn't really looked for another job (he's applied for a handful), and hasn't done anything to look for anything else. He does work hard. But he thinks I shouldn't leave any of my jobs until we've got a mortgage on a new place.

The thing is, I've been doing this since November and he just seems to be coming up with more excuses about moving. If, for example, I suggest going to get a list of stuff from B&Q, he insists that only he goes and then comes back with one fucking tin of paint, and we end up both having to go and get the rest of it later on, wasting time. I'm absolutely knackered and starting to make mistakes at work, and am also constantly trying to work AND look after DS at the same time.

Originally we were meant to be saving hard for a bigger deposit but since then have inherited some money; possibly enough to buy a new house while renting this one. The practicalities of the money are taking a while to sort, which is fair enough, but DH isn't really doing everything he can to resolve things and get ready to move either.

DS was a much wanted baby who we had after several goes of IVF. We'd had years of discussing at length how we'd want somewhere with a garden and with a good school if we had kids. We're still stuck in a flat in an area with no good schools and I'm getting run into the ground. I have repeatedly said I've had enough and have been in tears most days in the last fortnight but it just seems to annoy him. Help!

I'm sorry I can't pick.out the issues from your post. Is it that you do everything and he is lazy?

Sorry, that was way too long. It's basically that we're both working really long hours. I'm meant to be doing three jobs on a temporary basis until we're ready to move. Except this "temporary" thing has gone on for nearly a year and I'm shattered, and, although we are starting to do our house up to sell, DH won't cut his own hours back to give me some support and it seems like he's dragging the house move stuff out for as long as he possibly can.

I can relate to some of this as we got into a similar situation re house/work.As a mum I had a strong desire to get the house sorted and like you schools were high on my list of priorities.DH seemed less motivated.

Slowly it has changed and I think for a number of reasons.He had to be motivated and whilst he knew the sitaution wasn't ideal he found it acceptable.People tend to be motivated when they have a direct impact. For example, we had limited space in the house but dh wasn't impacted so I stopped stressing about storing/recycling stuff and slowly stuff mounted up around dh and he quickly got the picture!

Similarly we have finance worries but dh believed we were doing ok but that was because I was stressing myself balancing the money each month.I cut back, did without etc but then felt resentful.I changed my approach and decided I would buy what we needed. I'm not frivolous so it was needs not wants.Dh now sees that our finances aren't as good as he thought and we are now on the same page.For us we may downsize which I would be happy about.

I also found dh couldn't get energised as he had become worn down by the workloads issues.He needed to take time away,for him its a week away doing his hobby.I felt slightly resentful of this since I was at home taking care of the children however it has seemed to work for him.

It might be worth reflecting on the areas where you are compromising too much, maybe it is your work.What if you stopped? Would you really not manage or would your dh step in? Resentment is so destructive to relationships.What are you doing because you feel you have to? Is that really the case?

sounds a bit like my situation many years ago, my xh would say if you decorate the house and sort cupboards etc we can sell house faster, I would run myself into the ground then he would say outside needs doing now, would do that, then next excuse was we need a new kitchen fitted, next excuse we need new bathroom suite, I would sort cupboards out and pile junk for him to take to the tip, he would put all the junk back in the cupboards,(he didn't want to move) he was just stringing me along,after 10yrs of his excuses and empty promises I gave up, but xh was a violent control freak.

forgot to say xh never lifted a finger to get the house sorted, it was always my job, as was looking after 4dc 3 that have sn

For me the issues are clear. You do everything and are working towards the future you both appeared to have planned. He says all the things he thinks you want to hear but then doesn't actually physically do anything, while telling you what to do.

My thought was to take the money you are inheriting and buy a house for your DS and you to live in. Alone. Without a man who doesn't appear to have grown up yet and certainly doesn't care that you are knackered.

Think about what you want, what is a deal breaker and what the consequences will be if it doesn't happen or your husband says he doesn't want the same as you. Then talk to him. He sounds pathetic tbh.

He needs some .

Or maybe it is you that needs the balls.

Thanks all. DH does work hard - he usually gets up at 6 to do a bit of work before DS gets up, for example. He's not bad around the house either and does do his share of the housework, and does spend a fair bit of time with DS (we take turns at mornings and he does most bedtimes).

It's just that the lack of willingness to sort out some sort of compromise when I say I can't keep on doing this much work unless he cuts back on his own working hours is getting me down (I've also, at various times, suggested getting a cleaner and neither of us wants to put DS into childcare more than he goes already). Also, his general lack of direction is getting to me.

We had a row about it last night and I suggested going to counselling. He wants to do this but part of me thinks it's just going to be a way of avoiding addressing the problems (and I don't know how we're going to fit in time to go either!)

We're talking about it tonight; I don't think our relationship is a write off yet, but hopefully he'll agree the working/childcare arrangements need to change.

I do sympathise as it is terribly hard work when you feel like you are having to make the decisions about everything in a relationship. Can you tackle one thing at a time and in that horrible business jargon, try to create a sense of 'burning platform' in your DH about that thing? For instance, if it's that he needs to focus on schools, go and look at some or invite friends round with school age DC (it is good timing - they can parade in shiny new uniforms!)

I wonder if your DH has some reluctance to move and maybe you need to get to the bottom of why that is. Is he attached to your current area, not wanting to leave friends or family, worried about covering the mortgage somewhere larger?

Is this freelance 'work' of his something which is well-paid? if it's not well paid at present, is there a really good chance that it will become more financially rewarding fairly soon? Because I've seen threads on here about a man who 'works hard' and is 'setting up his own business' and it's something that's really a hobby and will never generate enough money to contribute properly to the household, yet the man prioritises spending time on his 'work' above getting a more lucrative job.

Miss Strawberry, how did you do that? (the balls, I mean!)

[ tennis ] without the gaps.

! Are there other unlisted secret smileys?

Hi OP
What struck me from your post is that you are doing more and more and feeling really resentful. You are trying to make him listen, make him do, make him feel. I think you need to accept that you can't make him do anything. But you can change YOU and what YOU do. So, if you don't want to work so hard, DON'T. Cut back your hours. Get the cleaner. Take time out.

The other thing is, it sounds like you both need a break. Prioritise this. It's important to have time out.

I think you might be using counselling as a way to force him to listen. Using it as a tool to get through to him. It may not work like you hope it will. It's possible it will dredge up lots of frustrations that he has with you.

No, they are all listed, no secret ones.

OP - why can't you just stop doing 1 of your jobs. & also get a cleaner? What/who is stopping you? I'm reading thread and truly can't see why you're running yourself into the ground like this. Is there a bit of " martyr syndrome " going on here?

Stop looking at your husband all the time, and start changing your own situation. You've said he works hard etc but that's not relevant. You're knackered and resentful. That's what matters.

It sounds as if your DH doesn't want to move. I've a mind that deep down you know exactly why - after all, you know your DH - but that reason isn't being voiced and dealt with, which is unhealthy for your relationship.

I can't see what counselling will achieve at this stage. Face the underlying issue re DH's reluctance to move head on. If he won't engage in resolving it then at least you know, & can think clearly re. what to do next.

Incidentally do you really & honestly need to move house right now?

I hope you can work things out together. Particularly your work issues. If you run yourself into the ground at the expense of your physical & emotional health you'll be no use to yourself or anybody, flat on your arse with plenty of time to think " if only " & be resentful, full of regrets. You're not a machine and generally no good comes of behaving as if you are

I think the justification offered for keeping all three jobs is to be able to declare all three incomes for mortgage purposes. However, something has got to give in this situation, it is simply unsustainable.

You seem to be letting your DH get his own way quite a lot, OP. It's his insistence that you keep all three jobs on. He insists on going to B&Q on his own, why can't you go and leave DS with him? He won't cut his hours back. He doesn't want a cleaner. He won't go and get a steady full-time job despite the fact you do most of the childcare. It's all his way.

It does strike me you don't need counselling so much as he needs a wake-up call. It will also be another drain on your time, money and emotions at the moment (and I would lay odds you'll end up doing all the running both to make counselling happen and then at the counselling itself).

I totally agree with MistressDeeCee, dump one of the jobs. Get a cleaner. Write out the timeline of what you want to happen when in order to make a house move possible, OR agree that you will wait one year before moving. You don't say how old DS is and therefore how imminent the school situation is. And then present him with this for discussion, amendment and agreement. It's a business plan for your family.