Having to work with an abusive ex.

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I hope this isn't hard to follow and long! Ill make it as quick as possible. I need some good advice for a work friend, and I want it to be the right advice as she is fragile with not a lot of positive influences in her life.

Work friend, lets call her Mary, and her abusive ex lets call him bob.

Two years ago, Mary and bob and a very Intense relationship that lasted about a year. It moved very very fast, she was in a low place and he was/is very negative.
Thier relationship was either 100% amazing, or 100% awful. He was very sexually aggressive, i think he raped her twice (she doesnt like talking about it) lazy around the house, self centred, gas lighting, verbally very abusive and a compulsive liar.

She loved him a lot and did everything she could to make him happy, but towards the end she started fighting back, verbally and once or twice physically.

It all ended very suddenly, his decision. She dealt with it well, went completly no contact and her life has gone from strength to strength, it's taken a year, but she's about 85% of the way to having her life as she wants it and her self esteem/confidence high.

Until yesterday, we find out Bob is coming to work on a project with us!! It starts in November and lasts for a year!

It would be career suicide to drop out, make serious waves and will permantly a black mark against her name. So she has no choice but to do it. I am not sure if he knows that she will be on the project as well.

She won't have to see him everyday, maybe once/twice a week.

What should she do? How should she act? It's a horrible situation, and I have no idea what the best thing to do is. I'm not sure what he will be like with her, it could go either way! All over her like a rash or blatantent rudeness!

Help me mners!

You are going to have to speak to management and have his participation stopped.

If you both go to Management/HR they will have to listen. If she says that he raped her, they will have to listen.

I think its outrageous to tell management someone has been raped if there is no police involvement.

I think its outrageous to tell management someone has been raped if there is no police involvement.

Hissy, I know that's the right thing to do, but she won't. She says it's in the past and they were both as bad as each other and it will turn into a he said she said kind of thing that will look really unprofessional I think she is scared to rock the boat as the company is looking for any excuse to get rid of people at the moment and she doesn't want to be seen as a trouble maker (her words) as she doesn't want them to ask why she didnt go to the police. She minimizes quite a lot and even pointed out his good qualities to me today.

Her plan is to just front it out. But she's not sure how. He's a tosser, everyone knows that though so that's a bonus, but no one else will know that they had a relationship.

It's a very difficult situation, because unless the rapes were reported to the police at the time, HR might be open to legal problems if they banned him from the project. If he is really malicious, he might even decide to sue Mary for slander or defamation. (it is damn near impossible to get a conviction or even charges brought for a rape that happened years ago). HR are going to wring their hands and say there is nothing they can do, that it's a 'private' matter, and quite possibly put a note on her file to say that she's unprofessional.

If this man has the strong sense of self-preservation that many abusers have, his behaviour during the project may well be wholly professional. But if he says or does anything dubious when he reappears in the workplace, she should report him for that.

Thank you SGB, I thought that as well, but he seems to have this quite childish quality of always wanting what he can't have, and playing games so he can 'win'. I can see him being professional at the start but then getting drawn into a 'game' with her. (I've worked with him numerous times in the past and have watched him work)

I don't want her to fall back into a relationship with him. He may see her as easy prey as she is going to be right there. But it's been about a year.... Do these types of men usually go back for more?

I think she need to perfect professional, polite but distant. She is still on ADs from her time with him and suffers from anxiety so I'm worried.

As above, unproven allegations about an historical personal matter have no place in the office. Unless either is managing the other I wouldn't even disclose the relationship to HR.

As her friend it might be worth offering to mention to him that she will be on the project... just so he has a chance to reconsider.i

Um, you seem a little bit over-invested in this, actually. It is not your responsibility to make sure she doesn't rekindle a relationship with this man. It's not your responsibility to report him to HR for being a rapist on what is legally hearsay rather than evidence. Yes, I'm sure he's horrible (and indeed a rapist), yes, it would be a bad idea if she were to get sucked in by him again, but at the end of the day, she is an adult and it's up to her what she does. You're her colleague, not her mum.

in your OP you say "us", if you are both working on the project is it possible for you to make sure that she is not alone with him.

and I agree that she should be wholly professional.

This woman has been in an abusive relationship with this man & she simply cannot work with him. Indeed it may well be 'career suicide' for her if she tries. The situation is likely to majorly affect her mental health and she may well end up having to resign.

It actually sounds as though 'Mary' is OK with it (however misguided this may be) and it's the OP who is concerned.