How do I end it before it's even started?

[CorianderMix]

I hate ending relationships but this one hasn't even started and I have to end it. I have known this guy almost all of my life. We have had a relationship on and off for many years. It is true, we have a strong connection and great chemistry. The problem is that he has baggage and is an alcoholic. I now have DC and he is not the kind of guy I want or need in my life. I suppose I have been leading him on and feel awful because when it comes to it, I just don't want a physical relationship with him. We have been texting and flirting for some time and we had arranged to meet up recently. It fell through although I was silently relieved. I need to speak with him and tell him that we cannot start anything up again. I just feel a bit scared of telling him. Silly, I know. He won't take it well. The reasons I cannot be with him aren't very nice. There is only really one reason that I can tell him, and that is due to his drinking. But I don't want him to say he will go into recovery because (personally, I don't think he could stay off the booze long term) and even if he did, I wouldn't want him as a partner. How do I do it? What do I say? I feel like a teenager and don't like it.

Why flirt with him then and arrange to meet up ?

'I have been leading you on because < insert reason> but I'm really not up for a relationship with you.

Hi X,
Sorry to do this by text but I have been thinking and have decided with all that is going on in my life right now that I don't want to get involved with anybody. I hope you understand. Best of luck.
Coriander

Can you simply let it drop?

We have history. We know each other inside out and first and foremost, are great friends. We have electric chemistry and it has been that way for a long time. Prior to DC, I had no ties and only had me to think about. I was selfish. Now I have DC and he is not the type of man I would want in their lives, nor in mine as a partner any more. Does not stop our friendship and does not stop the chemistry. I arranged to meet up because I wanted to have this heart of heart that we need - but he thought we were meeting for something completely different. It fell through because of him, and like I say, I was relieved. In truth I am lacking courage to tell him.

How do you know he wants a relationship with you?

Tell him you've met someone and you're madly in love.

I thought of telling him straight, that I cannot have an alcoholic in my and the DC's life. The more I think about it, the more I know it cannot be. We truly do have strong chemistry though. Makes it hard.

It can't just drop because he will definitely be in touch.

I know he wants a relationship from me because he has as good as told me. He keeps saying he doesn't want to get hurt again. Maybe that is what I should say, that I don't want to hurt him again. Which I don't.

I cannot and will not be brutal or lie to him. He deserves more than that. I love him so much as a person. Always have.

Hi Coriander, I go to Al-anon and I would recommend your gut instinct of telling him straight, kindly, non-judgementally also directly. Your gut instinct is correct.

The only thing that would ever get through to an alcoholic is consequences for the choices they make to put their disease first. Ever. All the time we make allowances we are being co dependent. At the root of co depencency is denial. The first and largest denial is pretending 'it's not that bad'.

You have a duty to protect you and your children FIRST, not to spare his feelings.

Thanks, Wellwobbly. You are right, and I know what I have to say, it is just that I am scared. I am scared because no matter what, he will be hurt. He will also be annoyed, I guess. I feel as though I need someone to hold my hand when I speak with him.