So the PIL's visit is as I feared...

[onelittlepiglet]

We moved overseas 6 months ago and have settled in well. One dd age 2.9. I've given up my work to move here and this is partly so I could spend more time with her. This seems to have coincided with her turning into a daddy's girl and ignoring me most of the time when he is here. It hurts, but I've tried to make the best of it hoping it is 'just a phase'.

PILs are visiting. We do not get on. Long story (have posted before under anther name) but they have been rude and disrespectful to me for several years. Some horrible things including complaining we spent too much time with my family after we went up to see my mum twice in a couple of months because both my nan and dad died so we were there for their funerals. I could go on...

I can't bear them being in my home. They ignore me, don't even offer to help. Sit there expecting endless cups of tea, food and to be entertained. They will do nothing independently. They are only interested in dd and to the point of obsession. They sit and wait for her with books, grab her and force her to be read to (even when she doesn't want to and says no). She generally enjoys the attention and has basically ignored me for four days. They are encouraging this by not talking to me, ignoring me, only talking about daddy, shutting doors on me etc. they have presents for her everyday even when we as parents have said to her no sweets, or no new toys etc. they don't ask, they just give things to her secretly and suddenly the new presents are there, despite her behaviour being appalling and having tantrums all the time because of all the attention and presents and sweets. It really is hideous.

I don't want their attitude to me to wear off on her. And I'm worried that she will think it's ok to treat mummy like this because that is what everyone else does. My Dh doesn't think there is a problem. I have tried to explain but he just says 'oh they don't mean it, they are just excited'. I have read toxic inlaws and can see their behaviour in that book, but Dh won't read it or acknowledge it. I've tried to be firm, tried to say if it doesn't stop I will leave (with dd) but it seems extreme. He just turns into a little boy when they are here and they walk all over him.

I think I just needed to write this all down but any ideas help would be appreciated.

Is there anywhere you can go with DD?
Even if it's a hotel for a night.
You then need to call a family meeting and explain everything you have said here.
Blimey, if people were guests in my house and closed doors or me, I'd be straight in there and telling them not to.
I think you need to be much more assertive with them and your DH needs to step up as well.
But for now, I'd be making a big statement and take her away for a couple of days until they realise what nasty people they are.
But mainly your DH needs to start defending you and stop enabling their behaviour.

You will need to speak out. Don't wait on them hand and foot, find something 'interesting' to do elsewhere in the house and ignore them, sewing, painting, writing a novel, then you are too busy to fuss over them and DD can stay with them as you are busy, which I'm sure she won't want to, but if no one wants to spend time with you then fine, you're fine on your own.
This should stop them having the opportunity to be nasty and put you down.

I have had a smilar experience with in laws in the past. We travel and things got so bad we cut them out....now we have a wonderful relationship as they realised how much they wanted to be in contact. Thisvwas only possible because my DH seen it and drew a line....

However there are things you can do.

Stop being the victim. It is YOUR home, Child and Husband.
Stop making tea...open a door that they close. Remain calm but challenge a disregard for your opinion or request.

I know it's hard but take back control and do not allw them to belittle you with passive aggresive behaviour.

My dh also supported his parents until i started confronting the issue head on... Then it became unignorable for THEM so it was a catalyst for change.

Try changing your behaviour first and you'll outsmart them all.

Oh gosh. You have my sympathy! I've just had the inlaws here for three weeks and it nearly killed me!

We are overseas too, have a toddler and another on the way and after a couple of days I couldn't bear them being in my home, let alone a few weeks! In the main, they are nice enough people but they're also judgemental, think their views are always right, MIL thought I was crazy trying to keep DD to her routine (roughly) whilst they were here and they have no sense of boundaries - seriously, MIL would walk into my bedroom unannounced! They booked their flights to suit them without consultation, despite doing this last year and it nearly causing a riot (and clashing with us moving house) - they have a selfish streak and because they were on holiday, seemed to have no concept of the fact that we still had our everyday lives to go about.

Anyway, the upshot is that they definitely aren't coming here for Xmas now as I told DH I wouldn't stand for it - so actually, all's well that ends well!

I'd start by turfing their sorry asses out the door to nearest hostel. Then tell DH he can follow them there if he doesn't man up and grow a pair. Seriously OP do NOT put up with this a second longer xxx

Sorry that you have to go through this. If you are not getting any support from your DH, then take it upon yourself to sort this out.

You shouldn't go away with your Dd, they will probably turn this around and make you the problem. Why don't you speak to your miL one to one.

Tell her it's wrong to belittle you in front of your DD. tell her how you feel. She might either not care, or might actually see where you are coming from.

If your DH has any problem with this, then ask him what he is doing about it.